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Step-parenting

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Original poster

am I being taken advantage of?

33 replies

MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 10:32

Hi all, my other half has 2 daughters who live in another city an hour away, he moved down south to be with me, so I get that they miss him, but he visits them often on his own as I like to give him his time with them ( they both have children so are grown ups now) last time one of them came to us though with the kids to visit a few days , she wanted to go out for dinner with dad on his own leaving me at home with the kids , not a chore as they are lovely kids , BUT I did take offence as I spent time driving everyone around and cooking all the time they were here, I feel like even though we've been together nearly 10 years Im still not part of the family , am I being unreasonable? He goes to them about 6 times a year but they only visit us rarely due to kids commitments ( apparently)

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/11/2023 10:52

I think whether or not you feel you're being taken advantage of is up to you. By babysitting for them, you're doing them a favour, but not an astronomical one that is definitely taking the piss.

Do they seem grateful? I imagine that's the bottom line and why you feel resentful about driving them around and cooking etc. I don't think this would be a massive issue if they seemed duly grateful for the things you do. But that said, even if they are grateful, you aren't obliged to be a babysitter if you don't want to.

gldd · 16/11/2023 10:53

You "like to give him his time with them"? Do you decide how he spends the rest of him time? Doesn't sound very collaborative, or fair.

I can understand that them expecting you to look after their children while they go out with their dad would be a bit galling, but taking offense certainly wouldn't help. How about a simple 'No thanks, that's not going to work for me.'

Having said that, for me it would completely depend on how they asked. It is quite a kindness for you to be able to give your partner and his children some time together on their own. If they were polite and asked very kindly and really appreciated what you were doing (and the kids aren't a nightmare), i'd probably be inclined to help. If they assumed, or didn't ask very nicely, or weren't very appreciative, well ... 'No thanks, that's not going to work for me.'

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 16/11/2023 10:59

Is the issue that you looked after them or that you were not invited to the dinner and expected to stay home as the unpaid help instead?

because I think that’s key?

LemonLimeDivine · 16/11/2023 11:08

Only you can decide how you feel about it @MaggieMay99
After years of feeling taken advantage of by my DH and SC i put my foot down and started to say no and left them to it. It was most refreshing.
If it makes you feel like the unpaid help then next time they visit, make yourself unavailable. Have other plans and don’t be used.

Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:09

I wasn't asked or thanked, they just told dad it would be nice to go out just dad and daughter, I was just expected to stay in and feed / babysit the kids , to be fair that's probably the issue now I think about it

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/11/2023 11:12

MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:09

I wasn't asked or thanked, they just told dad it would be nice to go out just dad and daughter, I was just expected to stay in and feed / babysit the kids , to be fair that's probably the issue now I think about it

Yes, that is the issue, that's very rude. Every now and then my parents watch my DC so I can have a break, and I ensure that I am obviously grateful for it, and that is my own parents. You don't just assume someone will babysit your kids and not even thank them.

gldd · 16/11/2023 11:13

Well, in my opinion that is extremely rude and entitled. I wouldn't be driving them around or cooking for them again, and I certainly wouldn't be looking after their children. I'd also be having a word with my partner and asking how he's managed to raise such rude and ungrateful children.

Rjahdhdvd · 16/11/2023 11:16

Hmm yes I think that was cheeky. I have a step parent and I am a step parent; I like seeing my mum by herself but i wouldn’t just expect my stepdad to babysit. I wouldn’t just expect it of anyone without asking them and thanking them after

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 16/11/2023 11:35

MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:09

I wasn't asked or thanked, they just told dad it would be nice to go out just dad and daughter, I was just expected to stay in and feed / babysit the kids , to be fair that's probably the issue now I think about it

I can understand you’re upset, you’ve been together a long time and you should be considered part of the family. I’m sorry this happened. Have you spoken to your DH about how it made you feel?

Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:55

Did say at the time yes , he just said well I can’t tell her no can i ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:57

For context he’s semi retired whilst I work full time I took time off work to entertain while they were here , paid for days out etc as I earn more

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 16/11/2023 11:59

MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:55

Did say at the time yes , he just said well I can’t tell her no can i ?

Say, ‘it feels like I am treated like the chauffeur/babysitter’-I don’t really want that to continue.

Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 12:00

Thanks for all your answers I do feel validated to say no in future without being made to feel selfish

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 16/11/2023 12:03

MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:55

Did say at the time yes , he just said well I can’t tell her no can i ?

Total bollocks. He could easily have said "sure but it's up to @MaggieMay99 if she wants to babysit - have you checked with her?"

Sounds like he looks at you like the paid help. How's the balance in your household otherwise OP? Especially considering you work and he has cut back.

MuggleMe · 16/11/2023 12:07

It is a balance, my dad remarried after my mum died and you couldn't ever get time with him without stepmum too. One on one time is important, but the lack of gratitude for giving her a child free meal with her dad would grate and I'd definitely feel pushed out. You went above and beyond without acknowledgement. You're not just the help.

Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 12:09

he doesn’t drive so makes it harder as I’m the only driver in the household , we don’t live in the middle of nowhere but I wouldn’t stand and leg them take the bus when I’ve got a car sat there

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 12:10

Yes I liked time with my dad too without stepmom , I just think they get that when he goes on his own to see them at their homes ?
in my home I feel I should be included

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 12:11

Guys never posted before but so helpful all your replies thanks a million really felt I was being nasty by having these feelings

OP posts:
79Beastie · 16/11/2023 12:18

Id be having a glass of wine or 2 next time the cheeky git is due a visit. Oops I can't drive you around and I can't look after kids as I've had a drink would be my response to that

Wheeeeee · 16/11/2023 12:24

In the last 20 years I can barely think of a time that I've seen my Dad without my stepmum, and it sucks, even as an adult. So I just wanted to say that you've been very gracious and thoughtful.

aSofaNearYou · 16/11/2023 12:32

MaggieMay99 · 16/11/2023 11:55

Did say at the time yes , he just said well I can’t tell her no can i ?

Of course he can, what a weak response. My parents say no to babysitting regularly.

Isheabastard · 16/11/2023 12:35

I think because he often goes to visit on his own, it’s set up an assumption that he will always have some Dad/Dd time alone. So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that in itself.

The Dd has been very rude to not thank you for everything you have done re hosting, feeding, babysitting and driving.

I think the only thing you can do is next time this happens is to talk beforehand about what you will and won’t do. It doesn’t need to be nuclear, but he could make up all the beds beforehand and cook most meals. Don’t take time off work. If they are getting free babysitting they can afford taxis. He should also tell his Dd to thank you with gifts.

you aren’t unreasonable to be offended at getting no thanks. This used to happen to be with my ex husbands family (I’m not a step on though). In spite of the fact when hosting and they could see me doing all the work, it was him that got thanked not me.

You end up gradually doing less for these people until you reach a balance that seems fair.

cannaecookrisotto · 16/11/2023 12:41

My step mum has been with my dad since I was 6. I'm 30 now.

She is truly engrained, I don't see her as "step mum" anymore. She's my second mother and my child sees her completely and utterly as Grandma. They call her this too.

I wouldn't want to just go out with my dad and leave her at home. If we go out, we all go out together.

"Spending time with dad" doesn't cross my mind anymore. I'm an adult with my own children and after this length of time, I enjoy spending time with her probably more than my father 😆.

If you insist that they go out alone, then that's how they will treat you. Does that make sense?

hotcandle · 16/11/2023 12:43

I think you've been very thoughtful.

I also want to spend time with my Dad without my stepmum. It's not that I don't like her. She's just not my parent.

I wouldn't have babysat without being properly asked and then thanked though. That is extremely rude.

SheilaFentiman · 16/11/2023 12:47

I can understand them wanting time alone together and also she wouldn’t know any babysitters near you if she wanted a specific adult evening, so it would be hard to organise you going too.

but sorting the kids’ food before they left, a thank you bouquet of flowers and asking not telling would go a long way.