Struggling with my children having a step mum

[whatsthetimemisterwolf]

Hello, I posted this on AIBU - but thought this might be more appropriate.

I separated from my children's father 2.5 years ago, and 6 months ago, his new partner (I will refer to her as 'A') and her two children moved into what was our home. Her youngest child ('B') has joined our children's school.

I am struggling with my feelings around this.

My children say many negative things, eg.
"I never get time with just Dad because now 6 people live in our house",
"I never get space from B because she is in my class and at Dad's,
'A lets me sit in the front seat with no car seat and listen to songs with the F word',
'B says naughty words all the time and Dad smacks her',
'A doesn't make me wear a helmet',
'A vapes but she told us it is a whistle', etc.

Our 6-year-old son has phoned me and sent messages while with his father saying A's teenage son is being mean to him.

But they also say positive things, about the presents A buys them, and are excited about all going on holiday together. A frequently posts photos of my children on social media which portray happy times. My children talk with ease about their step-mum and step-siblings.

For reference, her children have different fathers and have had a range of living situations in their lives, so the vocabulary of 'step' is very normal for them and I think my children have picked up on this, not necessarily giving it the weight I do.

Their father and I are very different in terms of our perspectives on parenting. I don't feel I am in a position to talk to them about anything - and what would I say anyway? - because of this difference in views - the lack of helmets, car seats, swearing in front of children, smacking them, etc, are all things he condones (and part of the reason we didn't work!)

We went through court to arrange custody, being unable to come to an agreement together, and none of these things matter in the court system here (nor does his drug use or refusal to stay under the legal driving limit when he has care of the children). I have worked hard to try and accept this - that what I thought was clear-cut 'wrong' behavior is actually not in the eyes of the law.

I have tried to be supportive of this change for my children, and have for example, bought her daughter a birthday present from my children (there was no thank you from either A or my ex), and have also had B stay the night with my children when my ex and A needed a babysitter.

I have a new partner who is amazing and are in no rush to move in together because I don't want my children to be juggling this step situation in both of their homes. I like that my time with them is undiluted.

Even as I write this, I can feel a clear bias towards this woman and I don't really know her to be able to judge. She doesn't talk to me (even when she dropped her daughter off to stay the night, all she said was "A has a bit of a cold"). Avoiding each other at school pick-ups and drop-offs seems to be an unspoken strategy.

I guess I am not asking if I am being unreasonable but for any connections/wisdom in regard to all of this. How can I be less biased towards this? I don't want my children to feel divided and worry they pick up on my feelings, despite my actions.

Honestly I think that you probably just need to get over it and keep as much distance as you can from it. How much one on one time did your kids spend with their dad when you all lived together?

It is difficult, especially as they moved into your kids established house , but it kind of is what it is.

I know my step dd moans about not being the centre of his universe, but they never did anything together when they all lived together so sometimes I think they just are looking for issues or feeling jealous, which is fine, but indulging this will just make things worse in the longer term.

It takes some adjustment and all you can do is listen and be supportive , you can’t intervene or change anything and thinking about it constantly will probably drive you nuts.

Don’t babysit for them. You aren’t friends and don’t owe them that.

That sounds awful. I would tell the kids that they need to talk to dad about things that happen when they are with him. Just keep making the most of your time with them.

Don’t buy presents. If their dad wants them to get A’s kids a present, let him sort it.

The swearing is a bit inevitable if there is a big difference in sibling ages. I remember a kid at my son’s daycare swearing rather shockingly (to me) but he had 14 year old twin brothers so he would
have picked it up there

The smacking and the car seats absolutely suck. Hopefully your kids will soon be big enough to not need seats.

I never understand the "step-mum" title. There isn't a vacancy and being a mum is not a title or a costume. She's their dad's GF.

She isn't making any effort to be friendly with you either so I would knock that on the head.

I think validate your children if they contact you whilst there or in conversation but the only solution should come from them i.e. "yes, that is really tough, what do you think you could do next time?" Then your not interfering but are given your children agency.

Can I get this right - he smacks the children (yours and his girlfriend's), he drives under the influence of drink and drugs, and doesn't use car seats?

Then you say 'none of these things matter in the court system here'.

Are you outside the UK? The family courts here may be crap but they're not that crap.

I don’t think anyone can really help you feel less biased and your feelings are (imo) perfectly valid.

Don’t offer to babysit again or buy presents for this woman’s child.

Have you spoken to your ex about your children’s concerns re lack of 1-1 time?

I like muchalover’s advice. Validate their feelings and discuss what they should do if situation xyz happens again.

Unfortunately there is no guarantee this new relationship will last so ‘SM’ and her kids may not be in the lives for long.

I would say it feels hard because it is hard and as a parent you want your DC to be looked after in the way you would and it’s hard to not be able to implement that. I think the fact that you’re conscious of your feelings means that you’re conscious to not be negative about their dads partner and that’s all you can do.
In terms of the issues the children talk to you about is to validate their feelings. I don’t think I could hold back from saying about the car seat and helmet though and I’d be encouraging your DC to make sure they wear a helmet themselves

@whatsthetimemisterwolf
Your children live in the real world. They are probably aware that you and dad do not share the same views on everything, so it will hardly be an earth shattering realization that you and his girlfriend have different opinions on certain subjects. That is not bias, that is just different points of view.

You couldn't fix your ex when you lived with him; you have even less influence in his life now that you are not together.

I would keep insisting on seat belts and helmets, but even there you cannot force them to be responsible or law abiding.

If her children have been exposed to revolving door partners, not much you can do about that. It just means that her kids probably have pretty elastic terminology as relates to family. Every new parent partner becomes a "step parent."

You can explain the literal definitions to your children, but if dad subscribes to the same notion, there is not much that you can do.

I think you're using A as a scapegoat here when the main issues are coming from your ex. He's the one smacking them, drinking and doing drugs. If their dad doesn't use the correct car seats or encourage them to wear a helmet it's not really on her to enforce it. Vaping's hardly the crime of the century and I think we've probably all had a song pop up on our playlist with a swear word.

They're not missing 1:1 time with their dad because of A, it's because their dad isn't ensuring he makes time for them. I wasn't particularly thrilled about having to live with my 3 younger and annoying brother's (who were all full bio bros) when I was growing up but that was just life. I also ended up in the same class as my brother as the school had composite classes.

I understand it must be hard when a new woman moves into your old home and lives with your kids but it's probably hard for her too having to live in someone else's shadow, in a house full of memories she wasn't a part of, probably feeling like a stranger in her own home.

Being a SM is hard. In your situation if your ex is as you described, I'd probably be grateful that there's another adult present with my children. Unless of course she is also drinking and doing drugs around them.

Thank you for your replies - I appreciate it. I think it is correct that I am blaming her presence when the issue is really my children's father. He didn't spend time with the children when we were together, so it is a continuation of his parenting style, rather than her influence.

I don't live in the UK - we live in the Southern Hemisphere, and yes, none of those things mattered in court. There is a big push here currently that 50/50 custody is best (my opinion is quite different) and a lot is tolerated to achieve this - I was naive when we entered the court system and thought the things I had issues with were definitively 'wrong', but the perception is they are just different parenting styles. It is a really tough situation. Thank you for the reminders to keep giving my children agency - this is most valuable.

I think they smack his GFs kids, not hers. I also think he is drinking ‘over the legal limit’ but not actually driving, OP has just used that to highlight the amount he’s drinking, which tbf doesn’t sound like a lot.