To think some exes get confused between co-dependency & co-parenting?

[Poppy128xx]

I'm an avid reader of this board being a step-mum myself and it seems that a lot of issues stem from exes expecting co-parenting to be more like a co-dependency relationship?

I talk from experience as the first 12-24 months of DP & I's relationship was hard because of this and setting boundaries in place with the ex wife. My DP really wanted to establish a good co-parenting relationship at the start but his expectations & his ex wife's expectations of what this looked like were very different.

For example, ex wife would ring him in the evenings wanting him to fix issues with plumbing, installing new appliances, would ring him during his DD's contact days less than 24 hours into him having his daughter checking if she was ok, wanting to meet in person over a coffee at the start of every school hols to discuss arrangements, and do all present shopping for DD together, invite him over to her family BBQs and give him attitude when he declined, expecting DP to come rushing over to check she was ok after a minor car accident (when she didn't have DD & no hospital admission) etc etc. My DP felt all this was an invasion of his privacy and our privacy together. The ex wife had gotten into the habit of ringing him for every single detail/plan instead of dropping him a text/email. When he didn't answer it was met with 'I am the mother to your child and you will answer me'.

My DP's idea of co-parenting was more of keeping each other informed of anything important in DD's life and sharing the same views on discipline etc, informing each other of change of contact if needed, medical appointments, school etc etc. In his view this would mean that sometimes days, even weeks could pass as DD grew without needing any contact (she was 5 at the time of split). He tried to express this many times to ex wife but she would still ring him daily. Some days if he hadn't replied to a text within 30 minutes she would either call/text again asking why he hadn't responded and chasing him.

Fast forward 4 years and sadly this has now led to them having an almost non-existent relationship between the two of them as it had become so toxic trying to agree on how was best to communicate. Tbh it can be a massive pain when we need to try and change simple plans and the worry of what might happen. I'd much rather things could be more civil. I can't really blame DP here as he did try. I'm not sure how much more he could have put up with if I'm honest. It was really bad at one point (we are talking 5 missed calls & 10 texts in the space of an hour as he hadn't replied. This was a year into them being divorced).

Anyways I'm rambling now and not sure what I'm asking here. But has any other step-mum's out there thought the same thing about all this in terms of co-parenting and co-dependency of the ex wife? Is it possible to establish a good co-parenting relationship much further down the line???

some exes

yes, pretty sure you can think of any feature that “some” have

I genuinely believe ( and in my experience) the ex wives just want to control and still have them jumping everytime they shout.

I communicate with my ex about the kids when I need to. DH’s ex would love him to deal with every single minor thing ( she’ll interrupt us, ask him and then usually ignores the advice!)

he just ignores her when it isn’t relevant to him seeing the kids.

What you have described is literally exactly the same relationship have with my ex.

Neither of us have a new partner so… no problem

I imagine this was the case before you came on the scene and then quite understandably your DP wanted it to change. And I suppose she’s playing catch up

My now DH & his EW have been divorced over 10 years.

She never wanted a Co - Parenting relationship because as far as she was (and still is concerned) she’s the more important parent, in control & charge & he must do as she instructs. If he doesn’t all hell breaks loose. Years ago she would without contact as punishment or use the children as a weapon. Now the children are older she doesn’t have quite as much power.

The ‘I am the mother of your children’ line was (and still is trotted out) all of the time. It’s called ‘the golden uterus’ syndrome.

You can’t Co-Parent with people like this - they are too emotionally damaged to think and behave like a normal, rational person.

My dp continued to pick up his ex's slack way beyond the kids being in school. Despite 50/50 he did all the running about, all the gp/dentist/general parenting/uniform and shoe/trainer shopping/everything. At the drop of a hat he would up and off to sort them out whilst the ex just clicked her fingers. We changed our plans so many times because of his ex rearranging stuff without even considering anyone else (even the kids).

I do think that dp was at fault for enabling it - once or twice saying 'no, I can't drop everything at a moments notice to cancel a plan you made a week ago' might have made her think a little more about someone other than herself.

Disappointing to realise now the dc think they have dp at their beck and call in adulthood and are seemingly incapable of considering anyone else but themselves.

OP has your DP's ex-wife got another partner?

The only people I know where there is not this toxic mess is where both parties have partners AND the split was not due to one of them cheating.

My DPs ex is like this and I think at the beginning he enabled it because he felt guilty about them splitting and her being the main parent and also he wanted his kids to see him as supporting their mum. What has changed over the years isn’t so much him being in another relationship, although I’m sure that’s been a factor, but also the fact that it’s become an expectation, and there is no appreciation of anything he’s done. So for example he’s carried out a lot of specialist work / organised decorators / tradespeople as he knows people in the industry and often covered the cost in addition to maintenance etc, but it was very much treated as this is the least you can do as I am the mother of your children. He’s started pushing back over the last few years, it’s difficult as I understand that while he wants to have boundaries, he also wants to look like someone that helps to his kids. So I don’t give him too much of a hard time as I know he finds it difficult, it does piss me off though. And no, she doesn’t have a new partner, she’s dated but nothing serious.

I have this from my ex. Only I’m female he’s male, he even has a new partner yet is just so totally over involved in my life (he even tells me things about her I don’t want to know). He behaves as if we’re still together and if I try to push back or put some boundaries in he kicks off and all hell breaks loose.

Thankfully I’m pretty strong and I’m working hard with support to stick to said boundaries. Unfortunately like PP it’s led to us having more of a parallel parenting relationship as opposed to co-parenting. A shame for the kids but it is what it is.

I would prefer us to just keep one another at arms length and have our own privacy and lives etc. He thinks this is obstructive and rude. We just have very different perceptions of what co-parenting is.

i think it is fair to say that many ex male partners - have not got a clue about the day to day running of a childs life. The cordination, planning and cost in both time and monies. They expect one sided co parenting and the co depnednece stuff to continue.

They expect the usually now RP to continue doing all these things even when on "their" time and see maintenance as their way of paying the EX to do this for them - ie, paid slave - ignoring the fact that the maintenance is to cover the childs costs and in many cases does not come close to covering what a child costs

So yes they remian co dependent on the other parent to do it all for them..

Please not I said that many ex males partners not all.

My Ex has no clue about most of this, so I pick it up for the DCs not him otherwise they suffer not him - he sails along in his ignorance. What became an issue was his new partner resenting what little he did do for his DCs and reducing his input to a miniscule. New DP is now ex new DP and wrub along ok - but still me doing the majority. So yes he is co depndent on me facilitating his life - not truly co parenting and tbh lst year he decided to try th co parent bit but after 10 yrs I told him to fuck off as he was answering school emails but not telling me and generlly buggering up a well oiled system - he did not see he needed to tell me when he had done stuff - like I had ESP!

I think we must be unusual. DH and his ex have always had a friendly and cooperative approach to parenting their children.
No games, no nastiness - always civil. I get on with her perfectly well and she's been very kind to my DD too.
They've always had 50:50 but I think that the kids Mum has always been the one on the ball with admin, doctors appointments and the like.

The sheer amount of tiny detail in your post tells me that much of what has gone on originates from you telling him how to interact with his ex because you felt threatened by/jealous of her. I mean it sounds like he went from her telling him what to do to you telling him what to do. Would this man even know what day of the week it was without the woman in his life organising him and telling him what to think? It always makes me roll my eyes that the new partner comes along, completely changes the present dynamic, which was probably working fine till that point and then moans about unreasonable behaviour when the ex doesn't eagerly capitulate.

I get there needs to be boundaries when new relationships start, everything needs to shift around but you and he sound incredibly self righteous and simply pissed off that she won't cooperate with how the two of you have determined Things Should Be. I wouldn't want to communicate with either of you either if I was the ex tbh. You can't have it all your own way.

I’m wincing as I read this but this is exactly how DH was behaving with his Ex when I came into the picture and she was delighted by me and insisted on communicating with and via me for DSD. I think it came from DH’s own insecurities - Ex is wealthier than him, her new partner is even wealthier than her and a nice guy who took on DSD like this own, and he felt he’d be replaced in DSD’s life. It had nothing to do with him being unable to move on and eventually as we settled into our relationship he chilled out a lot.

Is there any chance Ex might respond well to you if you invited her out for a coffee / chat without DSD? Honestly if he was a twat during their marriage it might be better for you both to develop a bond.

To be honest just because the situation was working for you, it doesn't mean it was working for all. Men have the ability to state that though but often use new gf wife's as a excuse for their own agenda.

That said co decency doesn't actually need to exist. I'm not co dependant on my ex in anyway. And I'm mindful to not put any issues with my ex on the new gf.

That said ultimately when you break up you can't control what goes down in the other house (baring abuse).

But I find it incredibly lazy way of approaching a situation to blame the majority of change on the new women like the man's some helpless creature 🙄 if he didn't agree he wouldn't do it.

I'm all for parents prioritising the kids needs but that doesn't equate to prioritising mums needs. People seem to conflate the too.

Dad putting his new gf or wife above the needs of mum wanting him to come do some non diy back at the house, is treating mum like a child not a adult with the ability to call up a handyman.

But I realise we are not all the same

Most step-parents where there is no animosity or crap behaviour screwing up their, any involved children and their partners lives don't post on forums as they simply have no need.

DH’s ex is a nightmare for this. It’s all ‘mum and dad together’ when she wants to show a United front on something that she deems to be required. However, when DH suggests something as radical as DSS attending school more regularly (attendance currently 71%) it’s met with abuse and he’s basically told to screw himself. To put it into context, DSS has stayed off because he’s got a slight headache and then gone to walk the dog not that ill then 🙄 plus all sorts of other stupid reasons.

Can be described as someone with an antisocial personality disorder.

We have one - it's truly rediculous

That how it was with my ex’s wife. She’s an absolute gem. I came down with chicken pox just before my son’s sixth birthday - and after the invitations to his party had gone out. She made all the food for it, including a huge cake like a castle, packed it in the car and they travelled over 100 miles to deliver it all. Forty years later she’s a really good friend.