Adult SC who "don't want to hear that"

[WonderingYonder]

NC for this as it feels very personal.

Inspired by a post on another thread. I'm wondering about people's experiences with adult DC who have been given "one side of the story" by RP, are asking NRP questions, but don't want to hear negative things about the RP.

For context DP has always had a strained relationship with his son. The son is a young adult (just turned 22) and is asking questions about why DP left the family home (approx 10 years ago) and also stories and memories he has of arguments between the parents, and stories from his mum about various spats and disagreements over the years.

DP hasn't denied the behaviour and has apologised. However, DSS keeps asking "why" XYZ happened. DP has tried a few different tactics: From just apologising and saying he was wrong, to trying explain more about the dynamics of the relationship and the grief from his ex, for example to explain some of the back story to the breakup. However, DSS says he doesn't want to hear anything negative about his mum, but is still asking the "why" questions.

Has anyone experienced this? And how was it resolved? DP feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. He has changed a lot in this time and acknowledges his mistakes and has apologised. However, he struggles to answer the "why" questions from DSS without talking about the relationship, breakup and subsequent attepts at co-parenting from his POV. And, in turn, his own "side of the story". DP also (selfishly) doesn't like to be seen as the only "bad guy", as he feels like this is how he is seen/portrayed. Hence the strained relationship with his son, and DP is resentful towards his ex about this.

As an aside, I think this has been made harder by over-sharing from his ex to their child, as DSS seems to have a blow by blow account of every disagreement and argument.

It feels tough. I feel like both DP and his ex could, and should, have done many things differently over the years. But here we are, and I'm worried this is the end of DP's relationship with his son. Really don't know where to go from here.

Honestly, I think family therapy for them both is the best way for them to get through this and you need to take a big step back.

You only have your DPs side of the story and DSS has his memories, as well as his mother's side. Don't make assumptions about what went on in their marriage, there may be things you don't know

Suggest counselling and let them work through it together.

Presumably the lad isn't as old as his Dad was when this was all going down.
IME (child of divorce here) I had a much broader perspective on my parents' marriage and divorce once I was a lot older than they had been at the time.
If DH was, e.g., 30 at the time, and DSS is now 22, he can't be expected to have the experience and background to make sense of what his Dad tells him.

What would happen if DH said, "I will talk about this, but in a few years time, not now, because I think you'll appreciate the ins and outs a bit better then"?

Thanks for your replies

@Godzillaisjusthangry I'll suggest counselling, i hadn't thought of that. 2bh I 100% believe DSS and his mum in terms of their descriptions of actions and behaviour etc, and DP has said the accounts are true. So I'll take extra care to try to come across as not disbelieving DSS when he talks about it (DSS actually ended up asking me why DP did XYZ, which obviously I couldn't answer).

@Paperbagsaremine I also hadn't thought of this perspective either. I think you're right in essence. In our situation, It feels like DSS is eager to talk about it now, which makes it harder. DP has tried to say he doesn't want to talk in detail, but is sorry etc.

OP - he was 12 old enough to know remember and see. My oldest definitely does and has an understanding in a very adult way.

For your DP to try to explain the EXs "grief" or for you to think she over shared is not going to go down well. He was not a small child he was a teen - they see and hear all sorts.

Counselling for both of them in a neutral place has to be the right way to address it. He will know his Mum is not 100% blame free but he lived with her by the sounds of things in the main and his view and knowledge is how it affected her. 10 yrs is a long time for anyone to be neurtral and not show emotion when there are issues - so rather than blame the Ex for over sharing point them to a neutral place to work things through.

In the short term, in your DH's place, I'd want to say "I can't explain the circumstances without occasionally mentioning your mum's role in it, just as when your mum talks about it, she'll mention my mistakes.
It feels like you're really not quite ready to hear this stuff, as much as you want to understand it. Nothing is one-sided. But if you ever want to understand it better, I'm happy to pay for us to talk via a therapist who can support the conversation"

Thanks for the reply @uneffingbelievable ,to clarify by "over-sharing" I'm specifically referring to things that happened before DSC was born when DP and ex were dating, which the ex has told DSC about. But I do agree with what you said about the things DSC did hear and see, you're right. And I do appreciate 10 years is a long time for DSC to not have mentioned it and held in emotions. Counselling feels like a way to go as there's clearly lots of emotions.

@saraclara I really appreciate your perspective and response. This feels like a good way for DP to frame his perspective.