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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Adult dss is driving me mad

40 replies

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:18

I used to get on very well with him (he is 19) and have provided him with a stable home when his mum rejected him for no reason at all.
The thing is that he had been taking the piss behaviour wise for about a year and dp had his head in the sand about it. This all came to a head around Christmas time when he behaved appallingly and dp suddenly realised that he wasn't a freaking saint and that I wasn't a harpie.
So I laid down some ground-rules and his behaviour has improved but the problem lies with the fact that I just feel he is in my personal space all the time now. He is driving me crazy by just stupid little things.
Eating food is a big one actually, I would never begrudge him any food but he just ploughs through the kitchen eating stuff that I have factored into a meal later in the week iyswim. All I want him to do is to appreciate that he needs to ask. He suffers from the typical teenage thing of feeling like this is a house share situation and he can do what he likes. the irony being that if he was sharing a house he would have to be a lot more considerate.
The other thing that pisses me off is that he, when he feels like it, is really unnecessarily harsh and strict with dd(4) and ignores her the rest of the time.

The problems I have are non-specific, domestic ones, our house is tiny and I wish he would move out so that I can have a good relationship with him.
I NEED SPACE!!!!!

Dp says he wants to offer him a home until he finishes college, which I completely understand but now he is making noises about staying another year and I don't think that I will be able to last that long.

Rant, rant, rant............

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Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:33

Oh come on. I know it is boring but I rarely trouble any of you with my dull life......

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Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:50

Cheers, you are all great mates.....

OP posts:

CarGirl · 09/03/2008 21:51

Could you afford to help with the rent if he moved into a shared house?

Disenchanted · 09/03/2008 21:52

I think your DP needs to talk to him! It sounds like anything you say may be disregarded anyway.

Has his dad ever put his foor down with him?

SOunds tough for you

pedilia · 09/03/2008 21:54

I can understand why that would p**s you off, is cargirls suggestion an option?

Is he at college or uni? Does he pay any rent?
If he is 19 can't he buy his own food?

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:55

I think that we could afford to help him a bit if he moved out. In fairness to dp he is pulling him up on a lot more than he used to.

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Disenchanted · 09/03/2008 21:55

Does he contribute to food bills?

Lulumama · 09/03/2008 21:55

sorry you are having a tough time, especially when you feel DP is not going to take your feelings into account...

perhaps ask him for a contribution towards the housekeeping especially if he is eating your cupboards bare?

CarGirl · 09/03/2008 21:56

I just wonder if it's a way forward to say I need my space, I want to help him but I need a break, I think it would be good for our relationship if he moved out for 6 months - something like that????

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:56

He works part time and spends his money on going out, he contributes nothing and he doesn't really want to move out

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Lulumama · 09/03/2008 21:57

why would he want to move out when he has an easy and free ride

does he contribute to teh household in other ways? helping wiht chores, babysitting, gardening?

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:58

Dp knows I want him to move out but it is a VERY sensitive issue because his mum threw him out and dp can't bear to do the same. I try to explain that it is NORMAL for a 19 yr old to move out, and that it is not rejection, just practicality

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CarGirl · 09/03/2008 21:59

Well he needs to be paying board & lodgings even if it is a token gesture. My only other suggestion is that you have one cupboard which has "help yourself" stuff in it and itterate and reitterate he must ask before he eats anything else.

Get your dh to sort out his attitude to your dd.

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 21:59

He does babysit and he does clean the kitchen after he cooks.
I can't underestimate the value of the babysitting tbh.

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Lulumama · 09/03/2008 22:00

babysitting is good

don;t know what to say

it must be so hard to tread the line between not rejecting hi, and not letting him rule the roost

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 22:01

Ah well he is at chef school so he wants to cook all the bloody time. And while that might sound like heaven to a lot of you, it is not for me as I was a chef and really enjoy cooking. I am feeling territorial about my kitchen too if I am being honest. He makes a god awful mess (but I have had enough tantrums that he knows to clean up after himself)

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Lulumama · 09/03/2008 22:02

so, i presume he wants to work,and earn a living and eventually move out.. or at least contribute more?

what is it that you would like in an ideal world?

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 22:04

I would like him to be more polite and considerate for the next cuple of months and then I would like him to move out and get a full time job(he has been offered one) and to visit frequently.

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Lulumama · 09/03/2008 22:04

and if you discuss that with him and DP, what do you think would happen?

CarGirl · 09/03/2008 22:05

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps you need to tell him that even if he stays on at college that as of the summer he will need to pay board & lodgings, it may encourage him to accept the full time job.....

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 22:07

I think that I might be just suffering from cabin fever. It is tough being a step parent, I would be able to handle it so much differently if he was my own. I would have lain down groundrules that he wouldn't dare break. He has been brought up without any real parameters, his dad is far too lax with him imo. He is a nice young man but he is very emotionally immature and his dad has not really done him any favours by worrying too much about upsetting him iyswim.

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CarGirl · 09/03/2008 22:09

I used to be a full time step parent, it was sooooooooooooo hard, I made many many mistakes. Can you have a chat with him and tell him that you have cabin fever and that as a chef you feel protective over your kitchen and that for your sanity another year at college would not be for the best???

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 22:11

I really and truly don't think he needs another year in college. Not the college he is on anyhow, it is not good. He has a job on Fridays in a very good restaurant in The City and they will give him a full time job and he would learn there much more than he can learn from the also-rans teaching in the college he is in.

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CarGirl · 09/03/2008 22:13

think you may just have to bite the bullet and have a chat. Perhaps find out why he wants to stay at college, perhaps he is feeling insecure and thinks if he takes the job you will kick him out whereas if he's at college you won't ask him to leave.

If he were working full time would you be able to cope with him staying longer (would he be out of the eay more?)

Original poster

Carmenere · 09/03/2008 22:18

Actually if he was working full time and contributing to the household I might be able to bear him a bit more.
His teacher says he should stay on in college but I suspect that that is because the rest of the class are underachievers and unmotivated and dss is easy to teach.

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