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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Please help me overcome my feelings to DSD

28 replies

Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 06:58

Haven't seen DSD10 since summer holidays. As not to drip feed summer holiday where stressful for us all, had moved into my parents house, me and DH where stressed because of the move and it just was not a happy environment for anyone.

When DSD went back to mums she said she didn't want to see us any more, I got this as having to stay with your step mums parent that you have met a handful of times is not ideal.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and she wants to see fad but not me and her brother, this crushed me. I've known DSD since she was 2 and have always treated he like my own, I used to have her all through the holidays whilst mum and dad worked, take her out on day trips and if I did something woth friends who had children of similar age she always came with me. Even when DS was born all fun events where arraigned for when we had DSD with us, including events I did woth my friends, which she loves as they have children she can play with. DS idolise his sister, but she is very jealous of him, she said it was better when it was just her (she's an only child on mums side and was an only child on our side before DS, no siblings or cousins)

Just for context DSD has just been diagnosed with mild learning difficulties, with further assessment into ASD and sees the world very black and white. Its almost like she doesn't know her feelings and emotions and either shuts down if you ask her to say how she's feeling, or will say what she thinks you want to hear.

Will its half term and mums going on holiday so DSD has had to come to us. I'm doing the school pick up and honestly I'm still feeling very hurt. me and DS have lots if fun activities booked this week with friends that i know DSD will injoy, but i don't want to take her, she can stay at home with dad as she only wants to see her dad and not me and her DB. But then I try to remember she's still a child and I am the adult and should overcome this, it's just so hard to do.

OP posts:
urrrgh46 · 27/10/2023 07:08

I'm not a step mum but I do have several children with SEN and autism/ADHD so I know quite a bit about that. I would suspect given her age and circumstances etc that she's subconsciously controlling what she can control in a world that feels pretty out of control for her. I think all you can do is tell her - through her Dad and maybe a card and a small present that you and her brother are going to miss her and when she's ready to see you again you'll be looking forward to seeing her and doing some fun activities together. Whilst she's rejecting you the last thing she needs is to have the idea in her head that you also reject/are disappointed by her (feelings mutual kind of thing). She can't remember life without you if she has known you from being 2 - suspect this is much more about what's going on for her right now and her trying to work things out in her own childlike (as she is a child) way.

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:10

She wants to see her dad, not be dragged around. That’s ok.

Original poster
Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:12

@urrrgh46 Thank-you for that, it's put it into a better perspective for me. I know she's not being malicious and is probably feeling very lost as she hates any changes. But it really did hurt my feelings, I think maybe the car ride home may be a good place for me to explain to her how she did make me feel but I do understand, would you recommend that?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:14

I would just offer her the chance to come with you, or to stay with dad. Let her decide.

Original poster
Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:14

Just to say she's not always woth me, me and DS will often go out for the day just the two of us visiting family and DSD will spend the day just her and dad. But if I'm doing an activity such as swimming, adventure park, trampoline Park then I always make the arraignment for the days she is with us.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 27/10/2023 07:21

Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:12

@urrrgh46 Thank-you for that, it's put it into a better perspective for me. I know she's not being malicious and is probably feeling very lost as she hates any changes. But it really did hurt my feelings, I think maybe the car ride home may be a good place for me to explain to her how she did make me feel but I do understand, would you recommend that?

I wouldnt, shes a child and one that is struggling a little at the moment, she doesnt need to hear how her attempts to control things are upsetting (understandably) you. Maybe at a later date a conversation could be had, but now in the midst of it all it would make things worse imo

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 07:28

Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:12

@urrrgh46 Thank-you for that, it's put it into a better perspective for me. I know she's not being malicious and is probably feeling very lost as she hates any changes. But it really did hurt my feelings, I think maybe the car ride home may be a good place for me to explain to her how she did make me feel but I do understand, would you recommend that?

I wouldn’t have that conversation. It’s how you might handle an issue with an adult. But she’s a child, talking about how her actions made you feel is not going to help.

Keep the conversation light and positive. She almost certainly needs to feel that you’re all pleased to see her (regardless what’s happened). She may even be nervous about coming because she had said she didn’t want to see any of you.

Just draw a line under it in your mind and act as if contact had continued as normal.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 27/10/2023 07:28

Please don't put on her how you are feeling, just allow her space and time to talk about how she is feeling if she wants. I have been very much where you are, my DSD went through a stage where she didn't want to see me, only my DH during her teenage years. I sent her letter telling her how important she is to me and how much I cared about her and then we just gave her time. She spent time with her dad and brothers and I just stayed out of it. After about 6 months she just came round, she came into the house one day, gave me a massive hug and that was that. She's 21 now and we have a really nice relationship. Of course it super hurt at the time, I was pregnant too (although she didn't know that for most of the time) so hormones were racing, didn't always deal with it as well as I wanted but ultimately kept my crap away from her. She needed to feel safe to make the choices she wanted, to have some control over her life. Give her time, give her space, be patient.

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 07:30

Her dad should probably make sure he’s got some low pressure 1:1 activities planned with her so that she can talk about how she feels or what’s happened if she’d like to.

Things like going for a walk or completing a craft activity together can be good because you don’t need to be facing each other and other things can be the focus. It can make it easier for children to open up
a bit.

lunar1 · 27/10/2023 07:31

Don't put adult emotions and responsibilities onto a 10 year old.

Original poster
Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:31

Thanks everyone, you have put a lot of things I to perspective for me. I have no experience of 10 year old girls, accept when I was one. I think your right, I'm going her an adult response where really she is just a child.

Feeling a lot more positive now and think when I see her will just give her a big hug and tell her how much we have missed her, maybe not in the school playground though 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:33

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 07:30

Her dad should probably make sure he’s got some low pressure 1:1 activities planned with her so that she can talk about how she feels or what’s happened if she’d like to.

Things like going for a walk or completing a craft activity together can be good because you don’t need to be facing each other and other things can be the focus. It can make it easier for children to open up
a bit.

That's a really good idea. I'm in the office a few days this week and DS is in preschool so gives DSD and DH time together, I'll suggest they go for a walk.

OP posts:
TicTacNicNak · 27/10/2023 07:36

If her DM is going on holiday without her is there a chance she's feeling rejected by her own mother? That must be hard for her too.

ittakes2 · 27/10/2023 07:53

My daughter has mild Sen - preteen is a tricky age as so much for them is changing but they struggle with change. I actually suspect this is not about you. It’s more a rejection of the change of you moving to your parents house. She knows she needs to see her dad but she doesn’t want the whole package of adapting to a new environment specifically a very busy household which it would be with 4 adults and two children….very different to her mum’s household of the two of them. She would have sensory overload issues. Has she got a quiet space like her own room in your parents home to decompress? My daughter would come home from school and need to be alone for several hours to get a break from her sensory overload. Your describe ‘mild’ sen but in reality girls tend to mask so they are drained after staying on ‘high alert’ to consciously mask their Sen traits. My daughter has to spend her days consciously watching others social cues and making sure she is acting according to social norms rather than this happening subconsciously like it does with neurotypical people - and it’s very draining basically spending her whole day being hyper alert to her environment.

ittakes2 · 27/10/2023 07:57

Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 07:31

Thanks everyone, you have put a lot of things I to perspective for me. I have no experience of 10 year old girls, accept when I was one. I think your right, I'm going her an adult response where really she is just a child.

Feeling a lot more positive now and think when I see her will just give her a big hug and tell her how much we have missed her, maybe not in the school playground though 🤣

In theory this sounds very kind and caring - but she has Asd - some autistic people don’t like to be hugged. You sound like a really lovely person - maybe ask her first if she feels like a hug.

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 07:59

OP, children regularly say things they don't mean. Most older children have told their parents that they hate them, at some point, which usually lasts about 20 minutes. Your ds will probably do it one day but it means nothing.

She didn't mean it, and she won't have realised that she hurt you. Take a deep breath and let it go.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 27/10/2023 08:10

I'd give dsd and df a chance to spend a day together but invite her to any events you and ds are going to.
If you say anything it shouldn't be about the way that you feel.
I'd say something along the lines of " I'm so glad you're coming with us dsd, we've really missed you, it's lovely that we're getting to spend some time together"
Let her know she's loved and missed, put your feelings aside, she's a child.

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 08:17

I also think that, if possible, it would be best if her dad did the school pick up.

Just looking at it from DSD’s perspective. She’s possibly feeling rejected by her mum and has been sent to stay at a house she’d said she didn’t want to return to. It’s likely that she’s feeling nervous about seeing her SM.

If her dad can do the pick up, it’s probably going to be easiest for everyone (emotionally).

lamalamalamasquirrel · 27/10/2023 08:49

I think dad should give her the option of going with you or staying with him. You should try and just carry on with your little one as you would have previously- she shouldn't affect that. Give her options and don't take to heart if she rejects you. Hard I know. Be a constant. She obviously feels comfortable enough around you to reject you rather than pretend to want to be with you. Time. Slowly slowly.

lamalamalamasquirrel · 27/10/2023 08:49

P.S a lot of people with neurodiversity can find moving house unsettling. Give it time. Work on making her room a safe haven

Mariposista · 27/10/2023 09:21

between you and DP gove her space but don’t put up with any bratty behaviour. You are the adults and don’t have to pander.

aSofaNearYou · 27/10/2023 10:06

Hmm I'm on the fence about these responses tbh. I know people say not to put adult emotions on a child but tbh I think a child that age does need to learn that words do have consequences and hurt people's feelings. I don't totally shield kids from that myself, especially by 11. I wouldn't go in heavy handed but I wouldn't fall over yourself to show her that this hasn't hurt you at all, because that's not how life works and if she says she doesn't want to see people anymore, she will upset them.

I would let her spend time with her dad (including school runs) and get on with doing fun things with your toddler, let her come to feel that she is missing out. I wouldn't only arrange fun things for when she's there, either.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/10/2023 10:10

Just for context DSD has just been diagnosed with mild learning difficulties, with further assessment into ASD and sees the world very black and white. Its almost like she doesn't know her feelings and emotions and either shuts down if you ask her to say how she's feeling, or will say what she thinks you want to hear

Most ASD are like this. My 17 year old doesn’t, it’s called alexithyma. Shutting down is normal as is saying what she thinks you want her to hear ( fawning) it’s too hard for her to say what she wants. All classic ASd. And lots of it driven by anxiety.

Original poster
Itsrainingshessnoring · 27/10/2023 21:10

I picked her up and we had a lovely heart to heart which she started. I didn't realise how much I actually missed her. Its so nice to have her back, we are our little family again. She said at the time she didn't want to see us but after a couple of weeks she really missed us, she said she really missed her brother and loves him so much, just sometimes she wants to spend time with her dad and go out just her and dad, which I totally get.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/10/2023 22:11

Sounds like a great chat OP, I'm glad that it wasn't totally ignored and you did have a heart to heart about it.

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