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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is it my duty to get card and present?

15 replies

orandeyu · 25/10/2023 20:33

My partners birthday next week.

We only see his child in school holidays due to a very large distance (mum moved away).

But this half term we haven't had child due to mum taking them away.

Anyway, is it my duty to buy/order birthday card and present from his child or is it his ex's?

Child is 11.

I don't know if the ex would bother or not but I have only been on the scene for three years. Last two times I did the card as child was with us and we celebrated the weekend before.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EmptyYoghurtPot · 25/10/2023 20:41

Step mum of 3 here and I’ve never bought cards from them for DH. When they were school age the may have made him a card, once they got older the girls sorted themselves out and DSS forgot - he always texts a few days after 😂

Coffee473 · 25/10/2023 20:42

Are you in contact with the child? With my step children I’ll ask or text them to ask of they’ve got anything for their dad. Is his child going to be with you on DP’s birthday? If so I would get a card and bar of choc just in case. Of youIf not, and if you are not normally in touch with them, I wouldn’t worry.

Beamur · 25/10/2023 20:44

No. But you could help facilitate if the child is with you. I.e give them some money/suggest making a card etc.

BoohooWoohoo · 25/10/2023 20:46

Based on what happened in the past then I'd say you should do it.
Ex will probably assume that you will be doing it and not bother.

Personally I helped my kids buy for ex and they took over when they got older. They would be very embarrassed not to have a card and gift and this is why I bought for ex really.

OnAir · 25/10/2023 20:50

Both my partner and I do it for each others kids. Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers/Father's Day. My ex hasn't ever done it and neither has his we both see it as our responsibility now. Not a problem I enjoy it.

Original poster

orandeyu · 25/10/2023 20:58

I've just got them to log in to my moonpig to make a card. We won't be seeing them no.

They'd like to send some chocolates so I think I'll just order them for them?

OP posts:

Coffee473 · 25/10/2023 21:13

@orandeyu sounds like a good solution! If they tell you what they want to get him, I would just buy it and wrap it up for him.

aSofaNearYou · 25/10/2023 21:22

If they happened to be with us at the time ahead of the birthday and hadn't got something, then yes, but otherwise I wouldn't.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 21:33

orandeyu · 25/10/2023 20:58

I've just got them to log in to my moonpig to make a card. We won't be seeing them no.

They'd like to send some chocolates so I think I'll just order them for them?

Yes I was just about to say if the child has a phone to text them and ask if they need helping choosing/giving something.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 25/10/2023 22:18

You sound lovely and thoughtful, but no it is not your duty. I am an-ex wife and I always made sure DC had presents or cards for their father. When they were young of course I would choose the present but as they got older I asked their opinion or gave them money to buy. Over the last couple of years I have stepped away from this and i no longer remind DC. Ex's birthday was last week and the now young adult DC was in a panic. I reminded them that they work near many shops with a great card selection and they needed to give up their lunch break or stop after work. I never received any level of thoughtfulness from my ex.

londoner2345 · 27/10/2023 13:46

My SD is around that age - I know her mum won't sort a gift for SD's dad (and I don't know if I think it's her responsibility)

I usually remind SD to make him a card, and also give her a £20 budget to buy him a gift. I do the same for holiday presents.

When she has her own money/more independence I will stop.

londoner2345 · 27/10/2023 13:47

For the record, we make sure she has a card for Mother's Day and her mum's birthday but we don't arrange a gift.

CornishGem1975 · 31/10/2023 10:17

I buy cards for my stepchildren for birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day etc and presents because they're too young/don't have the money or whereabouts to do it themselves and their mother things their father should burn to a crisp in hell so she'd never do it. I won't do it when they are in their teens though.

PickledOnionCrisps · 05/11/2023 17:16

I always arrange it with DSS to ensure that DH has a gift/card. I’ve stopped with DSD as she’s an adult and I don’t like her.

RM2013 · 05/11/2023 19:04

I always did because DSS was 8 (DH and his ex split when DSS was just 2) when me and DH first got together because ex wouldn’t have bothered and DSS didn’t even know when his dads birthday was. We had very sporadic contact - was supposed to be every other weekend but ended up every 4-6 weeks due to ex being difficult and cancelling weekends (but that’s a whole other story!)
I eventually stopped when DSS reached the age of around 16.

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