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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How can you plan for Christmas with loose arrangements for DSD

12 replies

Serendipity84 · 21/10/2023 22:30

Soooo DSD is now 11 and able to have input on her Christmas plans but she hasn’t quite considered what she wants to do, by next year I’m sure she will be certain but this year so sketchy.

There a history of disagreements leading to a court order of alternate Christmas Eve/day. It’s never really worked 12pm Christmas Eve to 12pm Christmas Day then switch the year after. There are always several changes with poor DSD going back and forth twice over on Christmas Day!!

one Christmas Day she stayed and her family picked her up at 10am travelled 40 mins home, opened presents and brought her back for 12pm with the expectations that we then taking her back to them for 6pm. The reason, it was an adult only Christmas. She’d had enough and stayed with us till Boxing Day in the end.

last Christmas it was her year to be at home so we suggested a visit on Boxing Day instead of the back and forth over Christmas Day. This was met with abuse of how terrible we were etc etc. it was to help DSD not he dragged around the county on Christmas Day but never mind.

So this year Christmas what to do. DSD is asking, happy for her to come but don’t want the stupid back and forth all Christmas Day! Her family are really awkward, I imagine they enjoy the inconvenience it is of having to be home at certain times and then plan meals around drop off time. So her mum isn’t giving anything away about plans etc. DSD is suggesting she’ll be with us but then asks is it her year etc. I’ve talked to her about her having some choice but she’s not quite there. I’ve started getting us all things for Christmas Eve but feel like we are just on standby.

any other dysfunctional family out there!?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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RandomMess · 21/10/2023 22:33

I think perhaps you need to refuse to do any of the dropping off/picking up so if her family want to fanny around it's on them.

What a ridiculous farce they want to put her through

Original poster

Serendipity84 · 21/10/2023 22:35

Thanks for the support. They did pick up and drop off one year when they took her for an hour in the morning but it just locked us in to be back home when we wanted to go out visiting etc.

sure it’s just a way to petty point score but don’t want to come across like we don’t want DSD as we do and she is always welcome!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 21/10/2023 22:39

Can you plan the day to be t home and folk visit you so DSD being there or not has no impact?

Perhaps you need to ask DSD if she would like to come for the whole day to yours and next year be with her Mum on their Christmas?

happylittlesloth · 21/10/2023 22:40

Awful. Just awful. Poor kid. No one should have been allowing the terrible to-ing and fro-ing. She picks one house to spend Christmas eve night in and wake up and spend Christmas day in. Then on boxing day she can go to the other house. Next year swap. Stick to the court order.

Maybe each house needs to tone down their Christmas plans if the poor kid can't bear to miss out on either. It is just one day.

My DSD had the ridiculous position of their mum not wanting them Christmas day as her new partner has his kids on boxing day so they were going to do a big family thing. DH put a stop to that, the rule is alternate Christmas so that is what's happening. You don't piss around with the kids routine.

Anyway sorry as you can tell the subject is a sore one but the kids coming first doesn't always mean they get to call the shots.

In real life I'm far more laid back and if they turn up unexpectedly they turn up and we'll just make do and have tiny portions :) it's the people that make Christmas not the food.

happylittlesloth · 21/10/2023 22:41

Serendipity84 · 21/10/2023 22:35

Thanks for the support. They did pick up and drop off one year when they took her for an hour in the morning but it just locked us in to be back home when we wanted to go out visiting etc.

sure it’s just a way to petty point score but don’t want to come across like we don’t want DSD as we do and she is always welcome!

I agree, they must always be welcome. But that doesn't mean you can't plan etc. So say we're going out after Xmas Dinner but you're welcome to join us. Then do it. And if they turn up while you're out then you had told them!

Original poster

Serendipity84 · 21/10/2023 22:50

Yes we did that last year and she wanted mums which is fine. There other kids there so I get it the Christmas magic probably feels more present. It was the year before we had her and it was several trips back and forth. This year it is technically our year but every time it is our year there is several changes and mucking about. Nothing else is abided by in the visit plan so if mum decides she’s having her then it won’t be our year. I am trying to get some clarity from DSD of what she may like but she seems confused :(

OP posts:

QueenOfCarrotFlowers · 22/10/2023 09:52

If I were you I would keep trying to stick to the court order.

I wouldn't keep asking her about her preferences, that is too much pressure, and she has already mentioned she wants to be at yours to go with it. Adults need to come to a sensible arrangement.

If I were you I would either alternate Christmas and boxing day. If they are intent on splitting Christmas day, I would suggest Xmas eve, morning and lunch at one house - picked up by other household members to spending late afternoon/evening and boxing day at other home.

The back and forth is just tiring and ridiculous!

TheSandgroper · 22/10/2023 14:12

I think she is just too young to navigate the family politics. Take the decision away from her this year by saying the court order says “x” and we are very much looking forward to it.

And then DH needs to take no shit over trying to change the arrangements. There may be considerable comfort for DSD in this.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/10/2023 08:40

Another here advocating for her not to be involved in the arrangements. When things are amicable then by all means.

This isn't easy for the adults so her father needs to step up and secure a court order or enforce the current one. That way there is the independent voice of court and can be enforced if necessary.

Topsyturvy33 · 23/10/2023 20:41

I’d stick to the court order. My ex and I alternate 6pm xmas eve to 6pm xmas day (and split rest of hols) so Kids aren’t rushed round. And we only love 0.5 miles away. He’s welcome to pop for a cuppa in am if he wishes and did when they were younger

i also think 11 is quite young to make these big choices if there is animosity and she maybe worried about hurting feelings…

GrannyRose15 · 26/12/2023 15:25

It seems very unfair that the child should always have to travel on Christmas Day. Can’t you alternate Christmas Eve to Boxing Day lunchtime each year?

crumpet · 26/12/2023 16:40

Splitting the day half way is shit for the child. Whoever thought that was a good idea is insane. Especially when younger kids want to be in one place, open presents have a chance to enjoy them/play with them.

Unfortunately you have a court order, so should comply with it, but the poor child has had years of being treated like a parcel at Christmas and my heart goes out to her. Perhaps at some point a revised order can be put in place, to give her a better chance to enjoy Christmases before her childhood is over

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