Late night phone calls from partner's kid

[Hoorayforchips]

Bit of a tricky one here.
My partner's 8 year old daughter is a lovely, affectionate and at times emotional soul. In what is a recent trend she's been calling him from mum's phone quite late at night for an 8 y/o (9pm, 930pm) in tears about something or other -examples are a dog that died three years ago and the fact my DP, who works full time with a long commute, didn't go to a mid morning event at the primary school.

During these calls, the ex wife is by the kid's side talking as well. The usual pattern is that I will hear the start of the call and what its apparently about, and then leave the room. I try not to mention it when its over as that means using up our scarce time together discussing the ex wife (I'm not having that, she's his ex wife, not mine).

Now for the last few weeks these calls are coming whenever DP and i are spending an evening together. We don't live together and both do 50-50 with our kids. We usually spend time alone once a week on Thursdays and every other Friday.

What should my position be here I don't want to deny a child access to their parent. Equally I'm not sure what is motivating exw and daughter to keep calling.

I personally would not allow my child (9) to call his dad after dinner time, not he's ever really asked. My ex and I have a good working relationship, respect each other's kid free evenings and trust each other to get on with it. If my ex couldn't put our kid to bed without calling me, I would have words.

My children have access to us both at all times. I would not tolerate a partner that came between my child and me, my ex would be the same. He actually ended his last relationship because she had an issue with his son ringing on her time🤷‍♀️

She's calling her dad. I think you need to accept this is how it is.

There's nothing you can do.

But this does sound a bit like my DC, especially DS - late in the evening a combination of wanting to avoid bed time and tiredness that lets them release their internal barriers means they're suddenly wanting big long conversations about things, usually things they're unhappy/stressed about.

To be honest, I had to nip it in the bud. It was hard because you want to validate their feelings and ensure they can talk to you BUT... there's a time and a place. And I deeply suspected that a great deal of this angst was being pulled out as a clever way to get attention.

It's amazing how much better things are since I stopped. I'd say things like, "ok, this is definitely something we should talk about - let's discuss it tomorrow over breakfast".

I know some people will say I'm mean, but I know my children - they would spiral down into a complete tailspin and it all just took on epic proportions. There is a time and a place for properly engaging on this stuff and a time and a place for helping them to put it aside.

of course, it could just be that his ex is cross he doesn't turn up for events or whatever so she's winding the DC up to guilt trip him.

How often does it happen? I wouldn't be encourage it in my own child and neither would my DP, but we don't particularly pander to kids getting overly emotional around bedtime and would take a more deflective approach. There's not much you can do if the ex doesn't share that approach, though.

I think you're well within your rights to tell your partner that it's really wasting your child free time and see if he can find an approach that works better, though.

She's troubled

That's all there is to it. You can't really compare with your 9yo, who isn't troubled.

I think the child is being over indulged. They don't need long conversations late in the evening. Only you know if the ex-wife is encouraging phone calls at this time but sometimes kids just start something and it becomes a habit. I would encourage Notlactosefree advice and say you are happy to chat in the morning. It would have to come from your DP though.

Yes, this.

DS once did a sleepover with SIL. SHE started texted me at 11pm about how traumatised DS was about x and y and z and he'd "Really opened up" to her etc etc. All I wanted to do was go to bed and I knew fully that she was being silly to let him get all over emotional when he was already HOURS past his bed time.

But impossible to say if your DP's ex is like my SIL and doesn't see it or not. But it's up to your DP to sort out.

and the fact my DP, who works full time with a long commute, didn't go to a mid morning event at the primary school.

Most parents work full time and many have a long commute.

A parent not appearing at a school event is something that a primary-aged child would take to heart.

Who knows what lies behind this spate of evening phone calls but I think you're just going to have to put up with it for now.

I'd also be pissed if the ex wife is on the call too. I agree with pp your husband needs to find an alternative way to support his daughter. Ie 1:2:1 time.

He's not the op's dh, they don't live together and they 'scarcely' see each other.

OK boyfriend I stand corrected.

My SD did this when my DH and I got together. It continued for a while, always with her Mum in the background of the call. I think part of it was testing the waters to see if she was still number 1 to her Dad, but as I’ve learnt over the years, some of it was egged on by Mum.

It will get better when she realises you’re not a threat there to steal her Dad. Personally, I’d just put it out of my mind and accept it’s one of those things for the time being. My SD does still occasionally ‘test’ her Dad, but it’s just her trying to find security.

How is she when she's with her dad? You say he has her 50:50. Does she get emotional and want to call her mum? If not it would seem like the ex his perhaps encouraging this for some reason. If she's getting emotional and upset at mum's then mum should be able to deal with it.

I get that your DP wants to support his DD but pandering to her constantly isn't healthy for anyone. You don't see your DP much so if he wants to maintain a relationship he needs to start protecting the time you do have together. If he's not willing to do that then he's not really in the right place to be having a relationship.

Sounds like she’s majorly struggling with her parents split and feels comfort from speaking to them both together.

I am not part of a step family currently , but should I ever be, I would understand that the child’s needs would need to trump my own.

I think anyone who choses a new partner with kids should understand that btw I am not directing that to you OP.

Why 1-2 hours after suitable bedtime tho?
When I first split from my ex we accounted for this feeling of our son wanting both parents together and scheduled 6pm Facetimes each day. Then he grew out of it and said he didn't need to do it anymore. My ex and I are like good colleagues, we sit our kid down together if ever we need to and agree in advance about calls, bedtimes, routines, diet, internet access etc. Since being in this current relationship i've realised how lucky i am to have this.

Tell your partner to call his child each night around 7pm to have a chat and say good night there is then no reason for child to phone later, child probably just missing her dad!!

@Hoorayforchips yes that’s sounds very sensible and healthy, I guess they’re not at that stage yet and who knows if they will be.

in regards to the girl though, she’s probably struggling / anxious from it and likely best you let the period pass by and unfold.

I generally think children, if permitted, will do anything they can to not go to bed.
My son has tried every trick. Thirsty, need the loo, 'terribly' upset. All dealt with by eg make sure you drink your whole water bottle at school, two big wees before bed, sitting with him while he had a bath with lavender bubbles and candles (when younger) to discuss any worries from the day. I reckon if I'd got to 830pm and then said 'bedtime!' it would have taken far longer to settle him and then he'd probably have been so tired and strung out by 930 he'd also have been wailing for something or other.

I do think he needs to have a think about boundaries and routines. I love that he always wants to be there for his kid. But is that the same as always being at their beck and call? I always thought I'd prefer to be with someone, post-divorce, who'd had their own kids and marriage before instead of one of those eternal bachelors who act like a 17 year old with a bigger bank account. I'm lucky to have found a really kind man and don't want to ever berate him for taking a call from his child. That said, I do feel that if he can't protect our rare time together - and the reason its 1-2 x p/w is because I expect him to give himself fully to his daughter when he has her - its not worth doing. I'm not going to simply be there to feed him dinner and clear up while he chats on the phone to his child at 930pm-10pm. I also don't think that's being unfair to a child, who he could call each day he doesn't have her during his way home from work or while I'm cooking.

I totally agree with your approach OP. My experience with both my DSS and DD has been that the minute it's past their bedtime, that's when the tears start. They just need to go to their bed, they're tired and it's making them emotional. It doesn't help anything to drag it out.

And yes, when he has plans with you it's unreasonable to expect you to just make dinner while he is on the phone. I think a PPs suggestion of him ringing her a bit earlier for a catch up and that being it is a good one.

We had this with SD. Not crying, but for a short while she asked to call her mum when she realised it was a way to delay bedtime.

The way we approached it was by asking her every evening a reasonable time before bedtime - would you like to ring your mum? If so we need to ring soon or it will be bedtime.

She rarely actually wanted to call when offered, it was literally a bedtime delay thing in her case.

The other side of this could also be if SD doesn't feel she is allowed to ring Dad unless she is upset, and is basically seeking attention from him (I don't mean that negatively - kids need attention and will try and get it on ways that they know will work).

In both cases, the answer would be to routinely offer to call dad at an earlier time.

I realise this is something that DHs ex would need to do. But if she is receptive, it could help.

I do think he needs to have a think about boundaries and routines. I love that he always wants to be there for his kid. But is that the same as always being at their beck and call?

No he needs to put in boundaries for her emotional health now, and her emotional health in her relationships, especially intimate ones, when she is older. She will model how she is treated and what she sees.

So like a PP said there should be an agreed time in the evening when they call each other e.g. 8pm since he has a long commute. Then if she says calls after 8.45pm he basically needs to find out if it is an emergency e.g. mother in hospital and if it is not immediately cut the phone call very short by telling her he will speak to her tomorrow at a more reasonable time.

Once she is older and has her own phone if neither parent has given her boundaries when it's appropriate to call someone she will be trying to call him and other people at all hours of the day and night.