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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Don't know how to handle this

17 replies

Thisbig · 20/10/2023 13:02

Been with DH 20-odd years, 2 DSC now mid-late 20's and a DGC now age 3. Our relationship with DSC was strong throughout their childhood and we all remained close until the last couple of years but it's all gone to shit now. DSD has slowly drifted away, less and less contact and now doesn't even respond to messages although there has been no actual falling out. DSS had a relatively minor disagreement with DH about a year ago and hasn't been in touch since, again doesn't even return calls/messages although DH has tried.

All this is hard on DH, he isn't perfect but definitely doesn't deserve this, he's always been a good dad. I just feel angry with DSC and obviously don't have quite the same bond with them as he does so not seeing them doesn't affect me in the same way but I hate seeing how much it hurts DH.

So that's where we are, DGC is DSS's child so contact with them ceased when DSS fell out with DH which was devastating for him as he was very close to DGC. After a while DSS's ex (DGC's mum) contacted us and offered contact with DGC through her which DH jumped at and we now see DGC every couple of weeks for a few hours.

The problem now is me, I don't really have much of a bond with DGC and feel conflicted about whether it's really right for us to be seeing them effectively behind DSS's back (DSS doesn't know about our arrangement with his ex). DGC pretty much forgot who we were in the gap where we didn't see them and we're having to rebuild the relationship from scratch which DH is finding hard and upsetting and I think DGC is finding confusing. I'm finding myself dreading the visits, they're tense and awkward and uncomfortable and I'm not convinced they're really in anyone's best interests tbh.

I would like to step back but that feels very unsupportive of DH, on the other hand I don't really agree with what he's doing, it feels like he's trying to force a relationship and the whole thing feels underhand to me because DSS doesn't know. In addition, if I'm really honest, it feels a bit like we're back where we were when DSC were little (in a more minor way obviously) and I suppose I'm resenting having my freedom curtailed to make plans at the weekend without having to factor in a rigid arrangement to see DGC. I never had a problem with us making time to see DSC/DGC before the fall out but this feels different, like an obligation rather than just naturally spending time with family.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound like a total arsehole, I suppose I just thought we were past the whole contact arrangement thing and things would be a bit more fluid and organic by now. I'm also peri menopausal which I don't think is helping, saying yes when I mean no is sitting really uncomfortably with me and I'm worried about that causing resentment towards DH.

What I would really like is to just step back and leave him to it but I know DH (and probably PIL's and wider family) would see that as me being unsupportive and a bit heartless and I suppose they would be right. I can't see a compromise that won't just cause more upset but I'm not sure I can carry on like this, the whole thing just feels wrong to me.

OP posts:

happylittlesloth · 20/10/2023 13:05

I agree with you- you're going behind your stepchild's back and that isn't fair. They are the child's parent.

BoohooWoohoo · 20/10/2023 13:10

If when dss finds out, the minor fall out is going to become a massive fall out. It's a terrible idea to have contact behind the parental backs and I predict GC saying something innocent that gives things away.

JamieFrasersBitOnTheSide · 20/10/2023 13:10

He’s risking having no relationship with any of them in the future. I’d be absolutely livid if my child was having contact with someone behind my back. That’s wrong on so many levels.

Edited to say if I was that child’s parent neither grandparents would ever be trusted again nd there would be a very high chance I’d cut them out of my life.

Pleasealexa · 20/10/2023 13:14

It's very wrong and your DSS will be even more angry with your DH as this will all come out when the child is old enough to talk.

Why is no one dealing with the cause of the estrangement? What does the ex say as clearly she knows?

You feel uncomfortable because it's a very unhealthy dynamic and you know it will lead to greater resentment.

fedupandstuck · 20/10/2023 13:14

The grandchild's mother is also the parent though, and if she wants to facilitate a relationship with her child's grandparents then that's her choice too.

It will take time, at a couple of hours every couple of weeks, for a relationship with the grandchild to build up. Does your step-son have his child at all do you know? Surely the child at some point is going to talk and mention that they saw granddad at the weekend?

Perhaps your DH could write to your step-son and explain that he has been offered contact by the ex, and has accepted. But that at some point you would also like to see them both together, if the step-son would like to. Then you aren't going behind anyone's back.

Coldinscotland · 20/10/2023 13:15

Imo dh served his purpose to his dc... Atm.. Now they cba with him. Seeing the dgc is the right thing to do. Does dss bother with his own dc? Betting not.

Original poster

Thisbig · 20/10/2023 13:20

I think DH just sees it as it being DGC's mum's decision who she allows to have contact with her DC on her time, no different to letting her own family see DGC. And I can kind of see what he means, I often read on here that DM's can't dictate who DC's see during DF's time with DC so I do understand the thinking. But yes, I do worry about DSS's reaction when he finds out, and yes it's inevitable that DGC will say something at some point.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisbig · 20/10/2023 13:31

Why is no one dealing with the cause of the estrangement? What does the ex say as clearly she knows?

DH has tried to reach out to DSS several times, he just doesn't reply or answer the phone. Relations are still fairly hostile between DSS and his ex so DSS hasn't told her anything other than that he's fallen out with DH. Ex just thinks DSS is being an arsehole, which is just him being true to form in her eyes as they pretty much hate each other.

Does dss bother with his own dc? Betting not.

Not as much as he did no, contact has slowly gone from 50/50 to every other weekend over the last year since he's been with new GF

OP posts:

Laurdo · 20/10/2023 13:57

I think any GP who hadn't seen their DGC would jump at this chance, so I don't blame your DH at all. The child's mother is equally entitled to decide who her child spends time with. The only worry I would have is building a relationship with DGC and then contact being stopped. But I think that's the risk he has to take. Either that or never seeing his DGC again.

Chasingsquirrels · 20/10/2023 14:02

I think this would be sensible.

Justcallmebebes · 20/10/2023 14:05

Laurdo · 20/10/2023 13:57

This. I don't care who I fell out with to see my DGC. Your DH seems to have no relationship with his DS so what does it matter?

PuddlingWood · 20/10/2023 14:13

My friend's Mum had this contact with her grandchild on the Mum's time. Her son was not happy and she said well you parent your child then and I can see my grandchild on your time but no way am I giving up my time with my grandchild because you are acting like a petulant child. She even also had the half sibling of her grandchild on lots of occasions too. In her mind they lived in the same house and one of them had a bio Dad who was present who was a brilliant step Dad to her grandchild.

I think I would get your Dh to text his son to say he is seeing his grandchild. If it kicks off then it shows that his son is willing and able to punish both his Dad and his child because he fell out with his Dad. Pathetic.

As for you, do you want a relationship with this grandchild? Would you want your Dh involved with your grandchild if the boot was on the other foot? We had grandparents who my children saw every 5 weeks ish, they were very close to them because both sides made an effort.

aSofaNearYou · 20/10/2023 14:22

I'm surprised by the early responses as generally on here the idea that PIL are within their rights to see DGC through their child's ex is supported.

I do think, from experience, that it is likely to cause issues though. Slightly different situation as my DP hasn't fallen out with his parents and they still see DSS through him but through the years it has caused ill feeling that they haven't respected him asking them not to do various things with DSS with his ex. So I do think that it would probably blow up. Your DH needs to think about whether his relationship with DGC is worth burning bridges in his relationship with his son. I can't imagine making that decision personally.

It should be fine for you to say you don't want to be drawn into a regular contact schedule, though, regardless.

IncomingTraffic · 21/10/2023 13:36

I’d be concerned that the whole thing is a proxy war in a bigger power struggle between acrimonious exes. That feels like a dangerous game to become embroiled in.

it doesn’t sound like it’s come from a previously close relationship with the ex and wanting to continue that - otherwise it would feel like just seeing family (even if DSS doesn’t want to be involved).

I’d be uncomfortable too and suggesting to DH that he really needs to concentrate on building bridges with his son (not potentially eradicating what might remain of the broken ones). At the very least, he needs to be open with his son.

Khvdrt · 22/10/2023 13:12

I think it’s really good that you’re still seeing your DGC and I’d find it really sad to not see him when you’re able to based on the situation with your DSS. It’s not the DGCs fault.
I think it’s a little dramatic to say that you’re rebuilding the relationship from scratch; plenty of children don’t see relatives for a while due to distance.
Sorry to be harsh but I think the second part of your post is more honest in that you don’t have a bond with the child and don’t like your freedom being curtailed. That’s understandable but don’t use excuses to try and make it seem that your DH shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t see why you have to always there when the DGC is there; make your own plans if you feel like it and treat this as your DHs thing that yoi support but aren’t always actively involved in

CornishGem1975 · 22/10/2023 14:17

The grandchild's mother is also the parent though, and if she wants to facilitate a relationship with her child's grandparents then that's her choice too.

I absolutely agree with this. It's actually not for anyone else to decide. DSS doesn't like it? Tough.

HelenFisksBrownSuit · 22/10/2023 19:28

There's a good chance the contact is being used by the mother as a way of getting back at your stepson.

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