DB is struggling with the DSC

[Rainrainrainsunny]

I don’t have and DSC so I am trying to understand the dynamic.

my DB has two dc 15 and 13, his gf also has two dc 15 and 12.

They live together, DB children visit mum EOW plus one week night, his DSC are home full time

when they talk about the children it’s “our four”.

all seemed well, except my DB is currently struggling with his oldest dsd, she’s moody, shouts at everyone and calls people names, she’s entitled and just not nice to be around. She’s always struggled with the relationship she has with her dad and this often comes out with tears after and screaming session.

iv told him basically it’s not it’s problem and he should ignore it, go out and let his gf deal with it. He seems reluctant to do this and I think it’s making him ill.

what would other step families do? What can I do to support DB?

Kindly the best thing you can do is not interfere, not offer advice unless you’re asked & just be a non judgemental listening ear. I can appreciate he’s your brother & of course you’re worried but this is his family & unless you fear he’s really having a breakdown your job is to be a sister & a friend, not a manager. Of course it’s his problem if it affects the harmony of his household & subsequently the other children living there, he and his partner are supposed to be a united front & a team! If one of your niece / nephew was seriously emotionally struggling & the new stepmum was like ‘lol not my problem’ and wasn’t willing to offer support to dad, would that be fair? They’re either a family or they’re not. Your brother is obviously trying to do the right thing here.

I’m only assuming based on one post but it sounds like his SK is struggling after visits with dad or lack of visits / broken down relationship, that she’s hurt by the separation from him & her lack of family unit with dad. For your brother to them be all ‘not my problem I’m going out’ just reiterates that she is not part of a family in her own home either, I think he’s trying to do the right thing & should be commended for that.

however if it’s impacting on her sibling, mum, stepdad & step siblings & this is a situation that is getting worse rather than improving, it would be helpful (if the family unit in the home can afford it) for her to have therapy.

i am sorry he’s going through this & I’m sorry you see what he’s going through, it’s horrible feeling helpless when someone is struggling.

His stepchild. His family are going through this completely normal thing called parenting a teenager. Your attitude isn't helpful. Your DH has chosen this family and thinks of these kids as his own (our four)
But your nose out if you can't be nice

I seem to be coming across as unkind when this isn’t the case at all but I think he’s having a bit of a breakdown with it all. He doesn’t seem to be able to make his own decisions without the say so from his GF either. he’s moved to where she wants to live further away from his dc school when he was living walking distance for them. Now they (his GF takes them and picks up) have to do a 30 min school run every day. Now they live where none of the children have friends but her children still attend lots of sporting activities after school and hang out before coming home.

I just think it’s all really hard for him as he has a stressful job and his GF doesn’t even work

There seems a lot to unpack. But it’s not unusual for blended families to need to compromise on area if they aren’t already living very close. Was it a case of one household would need to move for them to live together - had your brother moved into her home? Did she own her home / have the bigger home so it made more sense? Are there reasons she couldn’t move eg, one of her children attending a specific SEN school making it more difficult for her to move?

are your brothers children happy in the blended home?

they do sound ‘team’ if his partner is doing 2 hours in the car every day to facilitate school drop offs, when it would likely be easier for the children to go to school in their new homes catchment area, are they opposed to changing schools? I can appreciate for the 15 year old that could be disruptive with GCSEs coming up.

do you have a good relationship with brothers partner?

you don’t sound unkind, I’m sure you are coming from a good place & obviously love your brother or you wouldn’t be here.

has your brother confided what’s specifically upsetting him or is it just knowing him well as you do?