Looking for happy stories

[Libelula21]

I’m a widow with a child. Life’s hard sometimes, but ok, and actually the two of us have a nice life for now.

However, after 5 years widowed I feel ready to (maybe!) date again. But I’m wary of rocking our wee boat.

In my own limited experience, the blended families I know seem to be riven with problems of one kind or another.

I’d like to hear stories with happy outcomes to reassure me that step-parenting / step-siblinging can be a happy and positive thing.

Being a step mum has enriched my life in so many ways, I had to readjust my expectations for my future as my children were becoming adults and I thought parenting phase of my life was changing.
I think it has helped that my stepchild isn't the same age as mine and my partners relationship with mine didn't really involve parenting because of their ages.
I am incredibly happy and fulfilled with a partner who loves and cares for me,there are bumps in the road but for me it's worth it.
You deserve love and happiness and as long as you have your eyes wide open you can find that.

Try to understand what you want, what you are not prepared to compromise , communicate it clearly and stick with that x

I have a step mum and a step dad. They couldn't be more different. I'm 36 and my step mum has been in my life for 34 years. My step dad since I was 13. When I was younger we did really get on with my step mum. She was very young really (10 years younger than my dad) and I think in secure of the link my siblings and I provided to my mum. My dad was still quite involved. Saw us every other weekend came to parents evening etc. since we have got older she's chilled out more and especially since me and my sibilants have had our own children she seems better. But the relationships with my dad and her has e never really been a close one. But it's ok.

My step dad is brilliant. The most laid back man you will ever meet with a heart of gold. He has been to my children a grandparent that my dad has failed to be really. I think the main defining feature is that he never wanted to be my dad. He never felt that need to fill that father role in that way. (He has done and more) but by my choice and I turn to him for support for all the things you would your dad. He has carved a place in my heart that yes is not my dad but somewhere extremely close.

I think step parenting must be so hard

It's a bit telling that there are only two nice stories.

Please help. I'm the gf of a lovely man who is the primary carer of his nearly 6 year old child. I'm doing my best but I need advice on how to fit in. I grew up with stepparents and it wasn't great. Please can people point me in the right direction of resources, reading, anything that will help me get this right. I don't have kids of my own.

I was widowed left with toddler daughter. 5 years later met someone. Now with him for 8 years and a 2 year old. Soo very happy, appreciating my second chance. We’re all happy xx you’ll get there

I utterly love my step son. Was in his life since he was 4. Got on fab with his mum. And even though I've since divorced his dad, (DSS was 20 at the time) he still calls me his step mum, I'm one of the first to get fab news from him and his fiancé and I regularly see him. He's a great big brother to my DD (technically half sibling, but they just simply are brother and sister).

we all really get on and he does laugh when he has his mum at an event, I'm there, and his dad and his wife. He thinks it's funny and we all just get on fine. :)

That sounds lovely @Allthorpe100 . I’m a bit older and my childbearing days are behind me. I wonder if it made tea difference that both DC are your own flesh and blood.

I have a great & fun connection with my child, and I guess I can given them all my energy and focus, but I’m perimenopausal and sometimes I now feel like I couldn’t be bothered taking on the additional work of cooking and cleaning and playing and ferrying of other DSC, plus a partner too! But I’m lonely, have love to give and it would be nice but my child to have more people in their life.

No of course it’s easier they are both mine. I should have probably explained more! It’s nice my DD has another male figure in her life that loves her - I know blending families isn’t easy for all, also in our unfortunate case there isn’t also the biological father to consider so that does change the dynamic.

My late partners family are still very much in our lives and absolutely adore my partner and my new baby, even calls my DD’s grandparents Nana and Grandad.

I can’t advise you on dealing with someone elses children, but I’d say if you meet someone you like just see how it goes and deal with it when you cross that bridge. I waited 4 years before I moved in with my partner (that worked best for us). You do deserve to be happy again and you never know you might meet someone without kids or with older kids or even if they are young they might be great kids. You’ll have to work out what works best for you and your partner when you meet them.

I know its so hard to get back out there, the worry and the guilt, but go for it, I’m so glad I did! Life will never be the same and it’s a shitty boat to be in. Start slow and try a date or 2 to find out if you’re really ready. Xx

I would still, 100%, have preferred to meet someone with no kids.

The ex drama, the needy and overindulged kids. Don’t need it. I’ve never needed it. I don’t get any benefit from the step kids , only hassle, they don’t enrich my life at all.

Damn my gorgeous husband for blinding me into it! I wouldn’t do it again!

Sorry! Best of luck x

Hi , my ex dp left dd and me when she was 3 months old for another woman. When she was 4 , I met a childless friend of a friend and we got together. We have been together for nearly 20 years , and had two more dc . We haven’t had an ex to deal with as ex dp stopped seeing dd1 , it has worked pretty well .

Thank you for the encouragement @Allthorpe100 . It’s hard finding the time but I might give it a try.

Neither of the two positive stories involve the mum being a step mother, just the DP being a step father, so I’ll wait to see if any more heartening stories appear!

I was a lone parent, so no other parent involved, but we also hadn’t had the trauma of a parent or partners death. I met my now husband when our son was three, he nows eight, he now has a little sister and two legal parents. We’re all very happy and very settled.

My dad, wife and his stepkids are very happy. I wish he’d gone about it a different way, but they genuinely are.

My positive story was me being a stepmum @Libelula21 :)

I was a widow / am ? Gosh never know what to call myself
We had no kids though i longed for it

Met a lovely man, he had kids / didn't expect to then have our own kid and then his son decided to move in with us

I became a new mum and Stepmum at the same time - it's hard so v hard

I try to look for the wine like my dd gaining brother whereas she'd have been an only child - but that's all I got

Excuse the Freudian slip

I'm also always looking for the wine too!

Ah, yes, this is true! Thank you for reminding me! :-)

It’s swings and roundabouts. Sometimes it’s unpleasant and I think ‘how have I ended up in this situation’ and other times it’s absolutely wonderful.

My DH has three children from a previous marriage, all are teens/adult now. Sadly his ex wife remains hostile, as she sees me as the other woman - their relationship ended nearly 9yrs before I even met my DH! This has caused a lot of conflict and unnecessary drama I didn’t expect in my life. It altered the children’s behaviour for a time too. Took a while to figure out why - a high conflict mother definitely makes the whole blending a lot harder!

Being a stepmother is a LOT to take on. Other peoples children will always be harder work than your own. The relationship with the kids and myself is good. I don’t overstep, they feel happy & comfortable in my presence. It took time but we achieved the right balance. They still drive me mad at times, but that’s all part of being a family. Blended or otherwise.

We are expecting a shared DC soon and contrary to what a lot of mumsnetters suggest, this has been a very positive thing to happen to the SC. They are at the ages now where a new sibling isn’t seen as a threat or a loss of their Dad, but something exciting.

It takes a lot of work and you often have to put your own relationship on the back burner to prioritise the children. I didn’t come with kids so probably made it a little easier.

Hi there Libelula,

I don't usually reply to posts, but it was so refreshing to see yours! Like you say there are so many nightmare step-parenting threads out there, which don't resonate at all with my experience of being a step parent. The one time I raised my head above the mumsnet parapet about my family set up I was shouted down that being a step parent isn't being a "proper" parent!

Maybe I was just unbelievably lucky but blending life with my husband and daughter has, for the most part, gone really smoothly and happily. Note that I refer to my daughter, not my step-daughter. Although she is my step-daughter I don't believe I love her any less than if I had adopted a child, and I wouldn't always refer to them as my adopted-daughter so don't constantly refer to her as my step-daughter.

My husband and his ex separated when she was small, around 18 months, and have 50/50 custody - with her spending alternate weeks at each house. They've always lived fairly close to each other (maximum about 15 minutes, which is where we are currently) so easy for school, activities, friends, and helping each other out with the odd last minute child care emergencies. Their relationship is cordial for their daughter, but definitely no love lost between the pair of them.

We met when she was 6 and her dad and I were friends for a couple of years before romance blossomed. We've now been together six years, and married for two.

I think it has helped that there was no sense of "replacing" her mum, as she has no conscious memory of a time when her parents were together, and that I knew her as a friend before starting a relationship with her dad, but I can honestly say being a family with her and her dad has bought so much joy to my life.

Her dad and I discussed how we would work as a family and both agreed that if we were serious about building a future together I should be an equal parent in our household. It wasn't just us getting together, it was us coming together as a family of three.

Although I don't currently have any legal parental responsibility we share all the parenting duties in our family - both the fun stuff and the discipline! Interestingly when my husband had a health scare earlier this year our daughter asked what would happen to her if dad died. We asked what she would want, and she told us that she would want to carry on living half at her mums and half at our home with me. Thankfully my husband is now in good health again but we are discussing this with her mum and making sure the legal framework is in place to ensure her wishes would be followed.

I think our approach helped her realise early on that I saw her as important and would truly care for her, not just as extra "baggage" to be put up with because I was going out with her dad. We made, and make, time to spend together just us (as does her dad with her) and she turns to me with her joys and worries just as she does with her natural parents.

It's not how I would have planned to have a family - we still have the odd ex partner stresses and I sometimes feel sad that I missed out on the early years of motherhood - but I do feel that I am complete as a mother. I have a daughter who I love and who loves me. Our family might not look like other peoples but we know that for us it is perfect.

If the EW is a normal, reasonable human being & your DH / partner is able to co parent with them it should be fine.

However…. if the EW is a toxic, controlling narcissist who thinks they are in charge then they will likely make your life a living hell.

I’ve been a SP for over 9 years. It’s been tough at times and I wouldn’t do it again.

If the kids DF & I split up I wouldn’t see the kids again. The daughter (now 18) was generally unpleasant to me for years. Ignoring me, non communicative and generally rude. After 9 years of her mum badmouthing me & her dad we don’t see her anymore. The relief for me has been immense, I am sad the way things have turned out for my DH (hey dad).

The son (15) I do get on with. He’s (sadly) never been allowed by the mother to form any relationship with me so it’s superficial.

Good luck, it’s tough.

Well I grew up in a blended family. From my view point it wasn't ever the kids that caused issues but the adults around them that used the kids as battering rams to attack each other.

That said me and my sister (half for MN reference only) are best of friends.

And my dd has a sm with her dad and I'm a sm myself. And I think my views have remained relatively the same.

There's a big difference between the bar for a mum to be considered good vs a dad to be considered good and the step lens amplifies it.

Often you hear of a step dad who was brillant and a step mum who was awful when relativity speaking usually both have performed the same tasks for the kids.

But the thing that makes step parenting hard remains in my view the adults. It's is either a man who doesn't want to parent and doesn't think of his partner as a actual partner more scivey come nanny, come maid or you have ex who is a nightmare - who either will say your too hands on with the kids or too stand offish. Or if really unlucky a toxic version of both.

You can screen for the Disney dad in men, but you can't do easily screen for a nightmare ex until your in too deep.

I'm a step mum. I married a widower with children when I didn't have any myself. My experience is a blended family when one parent has died and there are no exs around is pretty straightforward compared to most the stories you hear about step families following splits.
Our kids have one home, with us, one set of rules, and adults on the same team. It's much easier to build a relationship together when you live together all the time. I love my step kids the same as my biological child. It must be very different with children you only see every other weekend or who see you as a rival to their real parent.
So maybe you'll meet a man with no children who is open to being a step parent and have a drama free time!