Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Need your opinion

14 replies

reflection · 17/12/2004 09:02

Any one that has read any of my previous threads will know that we have had a pretty tough time recently because of dh redundency. Any way due to things picking up we have paid bm her back maint but from a different account.

Previously I had tried to reduce contact with Bm as she has been very difficult and can be rather digging on the phone. So I don't answer her calls and so she has to call dh(he is always polite but not chatty)which is only right I feel(is that right?).

To get to the point this morning at 0745 she phoned me using SD phone(so I got a shock when it wasn't her)to tell me that she didn't have her money at the same time saying "I'm not hasstling". I relly didn't like getting that call I feel horrible after talking to her. Should I email her and ask her to call DH in future about money and please don't use sd phone as it was bought so we could talk to her with ease? Not having to call the house and have to listen to her going on about their wonderful life... Would this cause unneccessary grief? What about the impact on sd? Just feel manipulated again. When do I stand up for myself.

OP posts:

TheHollyAndTheTwiglett · 17/12/2004 09:05

I would be tempted to .. but I think frist I'd talk to DH about it

Nelli29 · 17/12/2004 09:30

Hi reflections, its all so difficult isn't it? Its so hard to keep your cool all the time when all you really want to do is give bm a piece of your mind! The thing that I have learnt over the last couple of very stressful months is that whatever way you look at it you just have to let these things go over your head. Its most definately not easy by any means, and its by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do , but otherwise it will consume you, and life will become too serious. BM is trying to upset you by behaving this way, they all play games and its very frustrating and pathetic!! But by not reacting it just proves that you are by far the better person, things can get twisted round by bm, who may try to make it look like you are the bad guy and that she is 'just making the effort' and 'just wanted to discuss it with you' I know it terribly unfair but just remember the reason behind her talking to you is probably just to wind you up. I do feel for you...xxx

cab · 17/12/2004 09:43

I would leave it - if she phones again get in asap and say - here I'll pass you to dh or here is his mobile number, I'm just dashing out the door, whatever.

Original poster

reflection · 17/12/2004 09:44

Thank you. I won't take any action. Just off loading here really helps. I can't say how much of a life saver this site is. I know what you say is right Nelli29 it's just good to hear it from someone else otherwise I could really tie my self up in knots...Thanks again to you both for your reply.

OP posts:

Caligulights · 17/12/2004 09:44

Why is her money late? Is she talking about maintenance?

Caligulights · 17/12/2004 09:57

Thanks for the offensive comment about all birth mothers playing games and being pathetic Nelli29, as all mothers unless they adopt are birth mothers, I guess you're saying we're all pathetic game players. If someone came on and made derogatory comments about all stepmothers, I think that would be considered beyond the pale. Quite rightly.

Nelli29 · 17/12/2004 10:13

Caligulights - Your right and I'm sorry , I shouldn't have generalised like that and I apologise. I didn't mean to cause offense to you or to anyone else who uses this site as it has been my saviour. Sorry again - Nelli x

Nelli29 · 17/12/2004 10:24

Caligulights - Just read my message again - still didn't make my self clear, I would never have made remarks like that about bms , if I had previewed my message before posting it, obviously not all bms behave in this way, and I am hoping to become a bm myself! What I should have said is that some bm's who have split from their partners can be difficult in certain situations. Again apologies

FrostyTheSurfMum · 17/12/2004 11:55

Hi Reflection - I agree with Nelli that it really is best to let everything go over your head. Dsd's mum has accused me of all sorts, threatened me, been extremely abusive and even told me that she hoped my baby would be born deformed. I used to feel angry at the injustice of it all as all I really wanted was to make sure her dd had a good time when she was with us, and she just didn't seem to trust my motives. I decided just to ignore everything she did and everything she said.

I agree with cab too - just be polite, make an excuse and say you'll get dh to ring her about it.

otto · 17/12/2004 11:57

Hi Reflection. It sounds as if you're feeling a bit better about things. This site is great for getting things of your chest isn't it. If the phone thing happens again maybe you could get dh to talk to her about not using sd's phone. I came to this site fairly recently so don't know the background to your situation. Is your dh working now?

Original poster

reflection · 17/12/2004 13:05

Caligulights, yes it is the maint. As Dh is now self employed money is erratic but is getting better. So, I offered to pay the maint from my account as I get a monthly salery and so the maint would remain consistant. However DH acc is with the same bank as BM and so the transfer was instant but my acc is with a different bank and so the transfer takes up to five days. This was explained to her at the time.

Frosty that's sounds terrible...

I would just like to say that SS has different BM and she is lovely we get on very well. The reason that I come on to this site is because it is a safe and reassuring place to let off steam as often that is just not possible. All this is to protect my sd. If it was not for her then I would speak my mind.

OP posts:

Caligulights · 17/12/2004 20:28

Apology accepted Nelli, I'm glad you don't really think that. I know how easy it is to make sweeping generalisations without really meaning it on Mumsnet - I do it often enough myself!

FrostyTheSurfMum · 18/12/2004 15:43

I understand what you're saying, Reflection. I often feel totally frustrated that I cannot say to bm what I really want to. I've written her loads of letters that have never been posted! I get rid of my frustration that way - by the time I've put it all down in writing it's off my chest. I would never post anything to her, and would never say the things I put to her, as it would just inflame the situation and we just want things nice and calm between the two parties. The only time I did actually say something to her she responded with such anger and venom, completely out of proportion to what I had said (it was the baby being deformed comment), and I realised there was no point at all in entering into any form of dialogue with her. I can see mumsnet now being a place I will vent - its helpful to know you aren't the only feeling the way you do.

Original poster

reflection · 19/12/2004 21:44

All I want is a simple life...just have fun xx

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread