Why is he still paying her?

[Runnyyolkplease]

I can’t decide if I’m being unreasonable about the fact my OH is still paying his Ex money each month. Here are the circumstances:
Kids are 15 and 18.
15YO at school.
18YO at college 1 day a week and works full time.
Both kids with us 50% of the time (Weds eve to Sunday morn).
Me and OH have no kids together.
Anything they need we buy (as you’d expect!).
Ex takes “housekeeping” money from 18YO, we do not. We often give extra money to cover Petrol.

OH and I are reasonably high earners (only just into the higher bracket) and have bought a house together in the last 12 months. The mortgage is huge as we needed space for us all, plus office space for two. We wanted to stay close to school and their Mum to make things easier for everyone but it meant buying in the most expensive part of town.

In addition, the ex wife refuses to engage with my OH on anything to do with the kids - example being when she goes on holiday and we need to change our plans to have them with us at the last minute.
She also kicked them both out at the beginning of the year for 2 months, no explanation just told them they couldn’t come back - they stayed with us. She didn’t speak to them during this time. It was heartbreaking to see the impact of this treatment on them both. She has done this a few times with the youngest because he doesn’t get along with her new boyfriend.

OH pays her £200 a month, which I know isn’t a lot - but I have suggested he splits this and gives it directly to the kids instead. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with her. I’m just frustrated I think…

In your shoes I think I'd be making my support abundantly clear for the kids to just move in with you full time JFC their mother is a right one isn't she? Poor kids would have some stability with you.
He shouldn't worry about rocking the boat. It has already sunk.

You need to have a real come to Jesus Christ conversation with him about this.
It's not about the kids anymore, it's about him being in the "FOG" (fear, obligation and guilt ) to her.
Which needs to stop.

It’s really up to your partner, it should come from his spending money though. You could ask the children what their preference for living situation is. It’s not unreasonable to expect a working 18 year old to pay rent (in fact it’s probably a good idea?). I’m not sure I’d give the money to the children, it’s likely to be frittered away and would be better used by either parent for living expenses

If you have them 50/50 you shouldn't pay any maintenance.

Given you have them 50/50, and their ages, any money I would be paying directly to the child. That way you know they're getting it all at least.

I mean, rocking what boat? She's hardly mother of the year is she and I'd assume the kids know that and wouldn't refuse to see their Dad at this point whatever she said.

They are both old enough to decide where they live. Why after 2 months of wanting nothing to do with them did she decide to take them back 50%? And why did they go back? Discuss with your OH and then make clear to the kids that they can spend as much time as they want at your house. If they want to drift into spending all theur time at yours that might be the easiest way to give them stability. Rather than a line in the sand that could cause them or their Mum upset.

£200pcm isn't much if you are financially comfortable so it may not be worth refusing to pay it for the next 3 years if there's going to be an impact on the kids.

My db had to carry on paying maintenance to his ex wife when his youngest began university. Db wanted to pay money directly to his ds but ex made it clear that she wouldn’t allow her ds home on holidays if he did. Db worked away a lot and wanted his ds to have a family to go to.

student finance calculations are based solely on residential parent and that parent is expected to make up the loan deficit. I think it’s different if the child is working but if they’re a student they’re judged to still be dependent on the parent so it’s not that unusual for maintenance to continue.

You have them 4 nights and she has 3 nights so she should be paying your OH maintenance if anything!

I could understand if they had an okay relationship and he didn’t want to upset things, but they don’t. It’s basically the children’s choice to see him now anyway.
Does she work, would this put her in financial hardship. Has he discussed what will happen when the eldest hits 18? She should be planning to do without this money, and yes any money for the 18 year old should be going directly to him, especially if she’s charging housekeeping anyway.

Thanks so much for your replies.
To answer questions - she does work and at a similar level to us so not in hardship as far as we know.
We are very careful in what we say about her to the kids, we try to talk openly about things and encourage them to talk about how they feel. We try to model a good relationship here so they hopefully see what that looks like. It’s very hard, we would never say anything negative about her to them but try to ask them the questions and think about the situation for themselves. As for living with us full time - it wouldn’t be an issue and in a lot of ways would be simpler. But she’s their Mum and they are young, it’s hard for them to see it. We know there’s a “narrative” about us round at the other house and it’s something we won’t stoop to or make the kids feel bad about in any way. It does leave us wondering when the next time something is going to kick off… thank you, it’s helped to get that out!

I agree with all of this, although I would stop the payments.

Because maintenance isn’t due and it doesn’t sound as if there’s any good will to save. Plus presumably you’d be happy for both children to move in full time.

Your DH could open a couple of ISAs and put £100 pm into those. (18yo will need to open their own but your DH could still pay in)

I'm guessing that this arrangement isn't with the advice of CMS.

It wouldn't harm to ask their opinion on payments.

You have them 4 nights a week?

She'd end up paying you!