Need to step back

[letsallcountsheep]

Bit of background...

EA few months ago I ended my 10 year relationship

We share a DC and I have 2 DSC

We are currently still living in the same house while my ex is looking for somewhere else to live, we have DSC every weekend and half of the school holidays plus all of the Christmas break.

As we are now separated I am actively trying to step back on the amount of involvement I have with DSC both financially and when it comes to childcare.

I have booked a holiday for me and DC for next year DSC obviously aren't invited and I have told ex I will no longer be contributing to DSC expenses i.e. Christmas presents, clothes, activities, household expenses I am not going to spend time splitting bills, food etc so we still contribute 50/50 there.

He has tried to make me feel guilty/make snide comments about DSC missing out on holidays because he can't afford to take them and that he will struggle with Christmas etc. In the past childcare was never discussed it was just assumed that if one of us was off with DC then DSC were here as well, this have stopped since we split now DSC are here only when ex is here to take care of them. I needed to step back for my own mental and physical health from my ex and SDC.

Has anybody else had to deal with splitting and what happens with DSC? Please tell me the guilt regarding DSC will subside?

You are right Uk establish boundaries and protect yourself and your children. 💐

It is absolutely not your problem if your ex can’t afford to take his kid on holiday.

don’t get caught up in the emotional manipulation!!

Emotional manipulation is one of the reasons I ended it. I am quite good at keeping up my defensives around ex, exhausting while living in the same house but hopefully it won't be for too much longer.

I've never been in your position Op but I think you've been very sensible to refuse to mind his DC anymore. If you go on looking after them as if nothing has changed it's going to be harder for them when one of you leaves, this way they have a chance to adjust before the split. He's still trying to manipulate you so be kind to his DC but don't let him blackmail you

While I completely understand your position and agree you should step back. I think this could be horribly upsetting for the children caught up in the mess.

Children don't ask for the decisions the adults in their life make, and they aren't going to understand your change towards them.

How long are they going to be put through this before you are living separately? They can't be that old if you are mentioning child care?

They are 11 and 13 but very young and they fight so can't be left alone for long

They both know we are no longer together despite living in the same house.

By young I mean immature, the older can be home alone for a while but not together

I think you need to get out of there asap and stop letting him guilt trip you. Of course you shouldn't be subsidising his kids when you've split. Most SMs don't even subsidise their SKs when they're with the dad. He's taken you for a ride.

Absolutely do not let him emotionally blackmail you.
You are not their support human.
Best of luck being strong - you're doing it for yourself and your children.

Thanks all, Mum guilt is the worst even when there's no biology involved

How long have you been in their lives? I understand stepping back, stepping completely out of the picture seems extreme. If you are still in the house together at Christmas will you really have two children there and not buy them anything?

10 years.

I will be getting them something, they are aware we are no longer together.

So you are contributing to their Christmas which I think is great, horrible for them to feel the last ten years have been some sort of act with you not being genuine.

Having a holiday with just your own child seems entirely normal as does not being responsible for childcare although if it is something like he needs to pop out to a shop or something for 20 minutes being able to leave the kids if they don't want to go seems appropriate, I'd see that as OK if I was sharing a holiday house with a friend for example but maybe you need to have the boundaries there. I see that one as a bit less black and white.

I won't be contributing as I would usually but I will be getting them something from myself. They have 2 parents of their own and as I have been reminded a few times I am not their mother.

I can't carry on as normal, which doesn't mean the last 10 years were an act.

Sharing a holiday house with a friend is a choice, I do not choose to continue living with my ex but I would be completely heartless to ask him to leave with nowhere to go. I think I have been very reasonable regarding this.

I'm glad you are getting them something, I do think people need to acknowledge some responsibility when they have been in a child's life for 10 years. My DH had a step child for roughly 2 years, he continued to send presents until the child was a teenager when I told him he had to accept that the 5 year old was now a teenager and we had no idea what he liked disliked. He did visit us as an adult to let DH know about his life and to talk about the things he remembered during the 2 years between 3 and 5.

Being a step parent can be hard, being a step child can be harder.

So whose house is it @letsallcountsheep - is it co-owned between you and you and your partner? Is he looking to rent or does he have family to move in with?🌹

It's currently in both our names but I am remortgaging to buy him out. He wants to buy somewhere. Can't stay with friends and no room with family as he doesn't want to change the routine of having DSC.