Hi everyone! First time posting and myself and my partner are in need of desperate advice. So we have been together almost 4 years, engaged. No children from myself but we are discussing the idea of having a child together in the future.
My partner has a 5 year old girl with his ex girlfriend. I’ve been in her life 3 years just and love the absolute bones of her, she’s just an amazing little girl and I love having her around and doing arts and playing dolls etc. However roughly a year or so ago his ex moved 3 hours away to be with a new boyfriend as no family in her area (25 minute drive from us) apart from my partners family (the daughters grandparents, great grand parents, aunties etc) obviously this was the last thing that anyone wanted but it was the mums choice so we changed contact from weekend to every weekend, meaning child maintainence went up as having her less due to distance and his current job only allowing him to work the half day Friday if he makes up the other 3.5 hours through the week which he does so he can make the time to travel to pick her up from school on time. The issue now is there has been 8/7 maybe occasions where it gets to a Thursday night before collecting her on the Friday afternoon, he gets a message to say “oh they have a birthday party this weekend” “we’ve got something planned with my boyfriends family”, we understand last minute plans happen, people forget things but it’s gone on to forgetting to tell him about school events, plays, parents evening, we also found out tonight that she had a parents evening today that he found out about not through the ex but through the school app which discussed it. We usually plan things to do for a Saturday like swimming or zoo etc for the weekends we do have her and then chill out on the Sunday morning before he has to drive her back. I’m just wondering is there anything he can do to make a permanent arrangement for seeing his child on the weekends he’s meant to, and there’s nothing that can stop him. He had a very big patience with his ex which is understandable it is his child’s mother, I don’t get involved in any of the arrangements but I want to support him as yet again, he’s down in the dumps, crying that he can’t see his child yet again until the next two weeks after because of the work pattern and distance. For me personally I would’ve replied nope it is my weekend to see our child and we have things pre planned but he’s so scared of upsetting the mother as she has used the child as a weapon to hurt him in this past, E.G you don’t love her, I’m taking her to a place she’ll be loved (she had been with her partner 6 months at this point when deciding to move 3 hours away) we’re looking at citizens advice, don’t want anything to do with taking the child away from her mum because she is a good mum and she deserves to have them both in her life and don’t want to disturb her current routine of school / friends, just something to guarantee he gets that eow access. He’s currently in therapy as it’s getting his moods rather low in regards to it.
slight rant - there’s so many dads including the mums who don’t want anything to do with their kids or pay for them but he tries everything possible, he wants the parents evenings, the school plays but he isn’t included!! He pays on time the CMA amount every month and then gets her stuff on top of that to have at the mothers house which we usually have to pick up on our weekends with his daughter, we don’t get the clothes / shoes / toys back that is taken there on the Sunday and I feel like my brain is screaming! We never say anything but positive things about mum and boyfriend around said daughter, nothing but respect and civility in front of his daughter because it’s not fair for a child to feel split between two homes I’ve been there myself and it was horrible.
any helpful advice would be really welcomed, thank you.
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Fiancés ex and daughter - advice needed!
Feelinghelpless96 · 05/10/2023 20:17
Feelinghelpless96 · 05/10/2023 20:30
My apologies I sort of jumbled everything altogether before they moved 3 hours away it was every weekend, now it’s every other weekend and now due to work pattern and distance and spending time doing things with mum and partner he’s okay to stick to every other weekend but it seems to be when it is his weekend, something crops up very last minute. He deffo needs a talk with her 100% agree with that
SawX · 05/10/2023 20:55
Lol. He wants parents evenings and school plays but he can't even be bothered seeing her every other weekend. Ex says no and he immediately agrees - almost like he doesn't give a shit eh.
SawX · 05/10/2023 20:55
Lol. He wants parents evenings and school plays but he can't even be bothered seeing her every other weekend. Ex says no and he immediately agrees - almost like he doesn't give a shit eh.
stichguru · 27/02/2024 17:35
Check with school what info goes on the app. For my child everything that you have mentioned would be in the weekly emailed newsletters, the app, and occasional paper letters. If he is listed as the child's father and has the app, the thing stopping him having all the info he needs, would be his own choice to be too lazy to read it, as it would all be on the app. If this is not the case, get him to tell the school and see if he can access the info another way. I can see it being annoying that his ex doesn't share the info with him, but he could get what he wanted if he tried.
"He gets a message to say “oh they have a birthday party this weekend” “we’ve got something planned with my boyfriends family”, we understand last minute plans happen...,"
Yes these aren't last minute plans and mum should let dad know as soon as a plan comes up on his weekend, but honestly things like birthday parties would only need to take a couple of hours out of the weekend if Dad would take her. If Mum takes her whenever there's an event, because dad won't facilitate her going to the event, then that's on Dad for being LAZY!
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