Fiancés ex and daughter - advice needed!

[Feelinghelpless96]

Hi everyone! First time posting and myself and my partner are in need of desperate advice. So we have been together almost 4 years, engaged. No children from myself but we are discussing the idea of having a child together in the future.

My partner has a 5 year old girl with his ex girlfriend. I’ve been in her life 3 years just and love the absolute bones of her, she’s just an amazing little girl and I love having her around and doing arts and playing dolls etc. However roughly a year or so ago his ex moved 3 hours away to be with a new boyfriend as no family in her area (25 minute drive from us) apart from my partners family (the daughters grandparents, great grand parents, aunties etc) obviously this was the last thing that anyone wanted but it was the mums choice so we changed contact from weekend to every weekend, meaning child maintainence went up as having her less due to distance and his current job only allowing him to work the half day Friday if he makes up the other 3.5 hours through the week which he does so he can make the time to travel to pick her up from school on time. The issue now is there has been 8/7 maybe occasions where it gets to a Thursday night before collecting her on the Friday afternoon, he gets a message to say “oh they have a birthday party this weekend” “we’ve got something planned with my boyfriends family”, we understand last minute plans happen, people forget things but it’s gone on to forgetting to tell him about school events, plays, parents evening, we also found out tonight that she had a parents evening today that he found out about not through the ex but through the school app which discussed it. We usually plan things to do for a Saturday like swimming or zoo etc for the weekends we do have her and then chill out on the Sunday morning before he has to drive her back. I’m just wondering is there anything he can do to make a permanent arrangement for seeing his child on the weekends he’s meant to, and there’s nothing that can stop him. He had a very big patience with his ex which is understandable it is his child’s mother, I don’t get involved in any of the arrangements but I want to support him as yet again, he’s down in the dumps, crying that he can’t see his child yet again until the next two weeks after because of the work pattern and distance. For me personally I would’ve replied nope it is my weekend to see our child and we have things pre planned but he’s so scared of upsetting the mother as she has used the child as a weapon to hurt him in this past, E.G you don’t love her, I’m taking her to a place she’ll be loved (she had been with her partner 6 months at this point when deciding to move 3 hours away) we’re looking at citizens advice, don’t want anything to do with taking the child away from her mum because she is a good mum and she deserves to have them both in her life and don’t want to disturb her current routine of school / friends, just something to guarantee he gets that eow access. He’s currently in therapy as it’s getting his moods rather low in regards to it.

slight rant - there’s so many dads including the mums who don’t want anything to do with their kids or pay for them but he tries everything possible, he wants the parents evenings, the school plays but he isn’t included!! He pays on time the CMA amount every month and then gets her stuff on top of that to have at the mothers house which we usually have to pick up on our weekends with his daughter, we don’t get the clothes / shoes / toys back that is taken there on the Sunday and I feel like my brain is screaming! We never say anything but positive things about mum and boyfriend around said daughter, nothing but respect and civility in front of his daughter because it’s not fair for a child to feel split between two homes I’ve been there myself and it was horrible.

any helpful advice would be really welcomed, thank you.

I actually think they need to have a conversation about all this .. every weekend means Dc will probably never get to go to any parties .

I realise that mum moved but maybe an agreement of how many weekends are reasonable then you might get more notice .

Well, he let them move 3 hours away. He could have taken steps to try and prevent that. Sounds like he might need to think about getting a court order if she's technically preventing contact.

My apologies I sort of jumbled everything altogether before they moved 3 hours away it was every weekend, now it’s every other weekend and now due to work pattern and distance and spending time doing things with mum and partner he’s okay to stick to every other weekend but it seems to be when it is his weekend, something crops up very last minute. He deffo needs a talk with her 100% agree with that

He should go to meditation and then court

Yes weekends should be set in stone. The mum can let the school friends parents know which weekends she's away so that they can plan play dates or parties on other weekends.

Does he have parental responsibility?
If so he should complain to school and insist they also correspond with him

Of course there's a way, which he should be capable of discovering himself if he's so distraught. Like many, many other people in the same situation, he needs to get a court order (will have to go through mediation first but this won't achieve what he wants judging by the current situation,.as it isn't binding).

If he has the school app then that is probably where ex gets info about stuff like parents evening too. I'm assuming that he's registered with school if he has the app but sometimes the important info is on the website, emails or newsletter too. If school aren't sending him info then complain as he is owed that from the school.

With regards to contact he should get a Child Arrangement Order (£210 plus mediation) so his weekends are protected. He also needs to learn to say no because his time with his dd is also important.

Can he move closer so he can increase contact and be involved in classmates parties etc?

Lol. He wants parents evenings and school plays but he can't even be bothered seeing her every other weekend. Ex says no and he immediately agrees - almost like he doesn't give a shit eh.

Should've gone to Specsaver's because that's not what the OP said at all.

Not sure how you got any of that from the op

He should be in contact with the school himself. He’s got the app so why does she have to tell him? It’s not on his ex to let him know there’s a parents evening coming up or a school play. He’s perfectly capable of finding all that out on his own and she shouldn’t have to baby him the information.

Are you willing to take the child to the parties instead? If your not and don’t want to go early to take her etc then he can’t moan about missing out on the time. Kids friendships and parties are important to them. My kids would of been so upset missing them all the time.

Even if you got a court order though no judge is going to tell the mum off for allowing her child to a friends party, specially if the dad doesn’t want to do it himself.

The only thing he has a right to complain about is her doing stuff with the kid on his weekend… but why can’t he swap weekends if she’s busy? He can work the extra 3.5 hours in the week every week?

Paying his CMS on time and every month is a bare basic and doesn’t deserve a round of applause.

Check with school what info goes on the app. For my child everything that you have mentioned would be in the weekly emailed newsletters, the app, and occasional paper letters. If he is listed as the child's father and has the app, the thing stopping him having all the info he needs, would be his own choice to be too lazy to read it, as it would all be on the app. If this is not the case, get him to tell the school and see if he can access the info another way. I can see it being annoying that his ex doesn't share the info with him, but he could get what he wanted if he tried.

"He gets a message to say “oh they have a birthday party this weekend” “we’ve got something planned with my boyfriends family”, we understand last minute plans happen...,"

Yes these aren't last minute plans and mum should let dad know as soon as a plan comes up on his weekend, but honestly things like birthday parties would only need to take a couple of hours out of the weekend if Dad would take her. If Mum takes her whenever there's an event, because dad won't facilitate her going to the event, then that's on Dad for being LAZY!

First, your partner is responsible for some of this. He has not fought hard enough to see his child or to keep involved in her life.

He needs to organise with the school to get information about parents' evenings etc if his ex is not willing to pass this information on. It can be hard to keep in the loop when you are not with your child day to day, but you have to fight the temptation to step back and leave the school admin to the resident parent.

He should have fought the move away, and not agreed to reduced contact. But now that has happened, he need to learn his lesson and go through mediation and court to ensure that his child has sufficient access to him.

Unfortunately it is clear that his ex has no interest in him continuing to have a relationship with his child, and that means he will have to fight if he doesn't want to ultimately lost contact altogether. This will cost money and time and stress. But his child is his responsibility.

Having said all this, his ex should not be restricting contact. A child needs a relationship with both parents (if both parents are safe and willing). A mother who seeks to prevent this is neglectful and cares more about her own life than the well being of her child. It absolutely horrifies me that some people think that a missed birthday party here and there will damage a child more than not seeing a parent for months on end. He isn't missing out on the time, the child is missing out on time with her father. The astonishingly low value given to the role of a father in a child's life is shocking.

(and driving her to events/birthday parties on his time would not just take a "few hours" out of the weekend -- the ex moved 3 HOURS AWAY!)

It is fairly clear that the Ex is trying to write the child's father out of their life.
And I would like to think that the OP's partner has done a decent thing by letting the mother of his child be with her family so that she can get the support that she wanted.

And TBH its not just a couple of hours out of the weekend for events its a whole afternoon or morning.

I'm also a bit confused about why the ex needs to tell him about the parents evening if he can see it on the the app. She's not his pa.

The last minute changes in contact are frustrating but why are you not swapping a weekend rather than just missing it?

Being so far away from each other is going to make things difficult going forward. If you were closer you could just offer to take her to the party instead.
It agree that it seems like the ex is trying to write your partner out. I think you need court ordered contact and I would consider moving closer so he can be more present in her life.

First, your partner needs to tell his ex he wants every other weekend without exceptions. Then mediation and then court if ex doesn’t stick to it.
Keep communication on text and email so there is a record for court. Record when ex has changed plans and how much notice and response to being told no. This isn't anywhere near taking the child away from her mother. It's just making sure she has an opportunity to see her father.