AIBU to suggest partner’s 50-50 is a bad idea

[Stepladdering]

I need advice on how to speak to my partner about the fact he’s not coping with his kids as a 50-50 parenting split. I’ve arranged for us to have couples therapy in 2 weeks so I can try and raise it in a gentle and calm way. What should I say?

Long story short, I’ve been dating this single dad for almost 3 years. I know his kids (8 and 9.5) well. He’s such a loving parent but he’s not coping with 50-50 despite having a part-time nanny I found for him.
He works full time in a high level IT job. Long hours. His ex wife is part time and he pays her child support generously due to income differentials.
I would never tell him this but you can really tell he’s struggling at this single dad thing. The kids are usually on video games, fighting, or at the weekend getting taken out for meals and cinema and theme parks and bought sweets and slushies and everything they nag for (nice kids not their fault they know whining works).

DP can’t seem to manage set bedtimes or basic continence (forgets to get them to drink water in the day and they drink gallons at night then wet beds).
He spends a load of time when he has them trying to work.

I know this is not right. I’m single mum to one who I share 50/50 with his dad. My ex does all the basics and more and his mum is there most days to make sure he does!

I don’t want to move in with my partner and parent his kids for him. It’s not my place as they have 2 parents. He’s tried asking for this of course. But, once divorced, I value my independence and for my kid to live v near his dad and other relatives.

Nowadays DP is always complaining about the kids. Says they’re exhausting. He has mental health struggles like depression and we both think he probably has autism. He has been signed off work sick and takes days off during wfh secretly then has to catch up at weekends.

For majority of our relationships he was doing EOW with 2/3 after schools a week with kids but no mid week overnights. This was til about a year ago. Kids were younger when he and ex 1st split. But he kept asking for the 50-50 and after youngest turned 7 ex wife agreed and got a new BF and new job.

I don’t see DP any less cos of 50/50 he simply has more overnights on days I wouldn’t see him anyway. But I get less from the relationship in general. He’s now often exhausted, drained, depressed and snappy. I know, poss LTB. The kids don’t seem massively happy and keep asking to go ‘home’ to their mum’s. Ex wife gave up work when they were babies and was always the primary parent.

I’ve asked partner why he wants this 50/50 so much and he said ‘so me and her are equal’ referring to ex wife. I’m not sure it’s about the kids.

What should I say in therapy?

I'm really confused as to why 50/50 for two school age kids with a p/t nanny is too much for him. I think he definitely needs a parenting class, probably a sit down with his ex, and a good chat with the nanny to lay down some agreed approaches. Maybe he needs to get signed off work for a couple of weeks so he can re-set and make some changes. Maybe he needs to drop some hours, maybe he needs to change his job.

But I really don't know how it's your place to tell him any of this! Maybe individual counselling would be better for him? Do NOT move in with him...

Unless you think the kids are at risk of neglect or abuse, you need ti stay out of it. Not your circus.

You’re absolutely right it’s not my circus.
DP was so keen for me to move in with him cos he loved the rights of 50-50 but would rather have help with the responsibilities.
Given that I can’t cope with seeing him not cope and don’t have the energy to take on more kids I’ve always wanted more of a dating relationship until the kids are grown. I plan to tell him this and then if he argues for more of a blended family I will know what he’s really looking for is someone to help him parent (in exactly his way) and I’m sure he will move on to a dating site to find a childless woman who’s starry eyed about being a stepmum and getting married and folding everyone’s pants.

It seems that the elephant in the room is his full time high pressure job.

The reason so many women go part time is because it's bloody hard parenting and working full time.

He wants his high flying career, he wants parity with his ex wife (who made the sacrifices when he didn't). He needs to look at what his priorities are - hint - it's not the children.

I’ve asked partner why he wants this 50/50 so much and he said ‘so me and her are equal’ referring to ex wife. I’m not sure it’s about the kids.

Yeah, that's very concerning. It's not about the kids. He needs to do a parenting course and be challenged on whether he thinks what he is doing is really right for his children.

An 8 and 9 1/2 year old wetting the bed on a regular basis is really concerning.

(Yes I know that I have taken a very small aspect of what Op has said but previous posters have covered the rest.)

DP was so keen for me to move in with him cos he loved the rights of 50-50 but would rather have help with the responsibilities.

What. The. Fuck. So have his cake and eat it, you mean?

@ToastMarmalade

”despite having a part-time nanny I found for him. I got as far as this and it tells me everything that I need to know. If you have to get a nanny, then it’s not 50/50 shared parenting, it’s 50/50 parcel it out to a nanny. And if you have to wait for your GF to sort out the nanny…”

i agree on the OP sorting the nanny but disagree that this means it’s not 50:50. Given the ages of the kids I assume this is an after school nanny who perhaps stays on longer than an after school club or childminder would allow and maybe sorts dinner for the kids too. Most kids this age will require after school care if parents are working.

Totally agree with this.

And honestly, even if they are drinking a lot before bed, they should still be waking up, at this age. Has he been to a GP about it?

I don’t think that that is true. The vast majority of parents who neglect their children to the extent that they have t be taken into care do love their children and are doing their best. That doesn’t mean that they are not neglected though.

In this case he has decided he wants 50:50 because he wants “equity” not because he wants to put the time and effort into raising the children. The children are not happy with the decision. He is not meeting their basic needs. He is allowing them to spend too much time on screens as that is convenient for him. He would rather foist then off onto random women (you, the nanny) than allow their mother to raise them.

I am not sure that this is bad parenting but it definitely isn’t good parenting. Good parenting means that you consistently put the kids first. It means you sort the basics every single time. It isn’t glamorous, it is sheer drudgery most of the time. But most of us do it because we want our children to have a good childhood.

Yes, this is a man who has badgered his ex (who has gone part-time so that she is able to look after his children, no doubt damaging her earning potential) to have 50-50 and what he proposes to do is have OP do the actual work (that which is not done by the nanny she has found for him). As other posters have said, he is not putting his DC first.
Not a man I would respect sufficiently to be in a relationship with.

*their children, obviously the DC are their mum’s responsibility as well.

He sounds like a shit dad.

I would extricate myself from that circus asap, op.

Wetting the bed regularly at their ages is really weird. Do they do it at their mum’s?

Otherwise, having childcare and being worn out from a high pressure full-time job isn’t weird at all, nor is kids fighting and whining. If you’re not up for it, the answer is to split, not to tell him to reduce his custody time. Being part of a blended family with three children is always going to be more chaotic than being a 50/50 parent to one, and if you don’t want to, that’s fine.

Op sounds like your head is screwed on the right way.

Unreasonable people try to FOG when they come up against reasonable boundaries.

I doubt there's any women on this planet who's desperate to fold his underwear and be non paid nanny. Sadly some men aren't up front about their expections and usually they behave just well enough to get to the move in, just married or get their wife pregnant before they really are honest about what they expectations and then start yelling but you clearly hate my kids, sadly the society's expectations then further gaslight the sm into thinking that they should have 0 boundaries.

Run

Are you serious? Please expect more from the men in your life
your ex shouldn’t need his mum there to make sure he parents your DC
and your Dp should be able to parent his own children, find his own nanny, or spot his own issues with parenting and deal with them himself, or at least ask for help himself. Why do these men need yours and their mums help being parents when you are expected to parent properly all by yourself, on top of helping them.

I think you can more or less say what you wrote - but you need to leave the solution open ended - is he going to improve his parenting or give up the arrangement?

also - do you have any idea what the ex thinks?