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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to suggest partner’s 50-50 is a bad idea

42 replies

Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:10

I need advice on how to speak to my partner about the fact he’s not coping with his kids as a 50-50 parenting split. I’ve arranged for us to have couples therapy in 2 weeks so I can try and raise it in a gentle and calm way. What should I say?

Long story short, I’ve been dating this single dad for almost 3 years. I know his kids (8 and 9.5) well. He’s such a loving parent but he’s not coping with 50-50 despite having a part-time nanny I found for him.
He works full time in a high level IT job. Long hours. His ex wife is part time and he pays her child support generously due to income differentials.
I would never tell him this but you can really tell he’s struggling at this single dad thing. The kids are usually on video games, fighting, or at the weekend getting taken out for meals and cinema and theme parks and bought sweets and slushies and everything they nag for (nice kids not their fault they know whining works).

DP can’t seem to manage set bedtimes or basic continence (forgets to get them to drink water in the day and they drink gallons at night then wet beds).
He spends a load of time when he has them trying to work.

I know this is not right. I’m single mum to one who I share 50/50 with his dad. My ex does all the basics and more and his mum is there most days to make sure he does!

I don’t want to move in with my partner and parent his kids for him. It’s not my place as they have 2 parents. He’s tried asking for this of course. But, once divorced, I value my independence and for my kid to live v near his dad and other relatives.

Nowadays DP is always complaining about the kids. Says they’re exhausting. He has mental health struggles like depression and we both think he probably has autism. He has been signed off work sick and takes days off during wfh secretly then has to catch up at weekends.

For majority of our relationships he was doing EOW with 2/3 after schools a week with kids but no mid week overnights. This was til about a year ago. Kids were younger when he and ex 1st split. But he kept asking for the 50-50 and after youngest turned 7 ex wife agreed and got a new BF and new job.

I don’t see DP any less cos of 50/50 he simply has more overnights on days I wouldn’t see him anyway. But I get less from the relationship in general. He’s now often exhausted, drained, depressed and snappy. I know, poss LTB. The kids don’t seem massively happy and keep asking to go ‘home’ to their mum’s. Ex wife gave up work when they were babies and was always the primary parent.

I’ve asked partner why he wants this 50/50 so much and he said ‘so me and her are equal’ referring to ex wife. I’m not sure it’s about the kids.

What should I say in therapy?

OP posts:
Bouncyball23 · 03/10/2023 21:22

Most people who work and look after their kids can be grumpy and moody. Maybe suggest a parenting class for him to attend.

Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:28

That’s a good point actually.
I don’t want to come across like ‘give up your kids’ but ‘try and do it better so you have more energy.’

OP posts:
Starzinsky · 03/10/2023 21:34

Sounds pretty normal to me, juggling demanding jobs and parenting is very tough but that's the reality of life for many. He has stepped up to take on half the responsibility of parenting so good for him. Not sure what you want from counselling, sounds like you don't like the 50:50 parenting split and want him to reduce it, but like it or not, easy or not, he is 50% responsible for raising those kids.

Duckingella · 03/10/2023 21:34

So he's basically a Disney dad.

It's not that he's not coping,he probably could if he set rules,boundaries,stuck to a routine etc;the real issue is laziness.

I also understand having a ND condition is hard;I have a ND condition as does a friend who's a single mum to 4;we have to still parent.

You're absolutely right not to move in as he's definitely looking for someone to dump the responsibility onto.

For the love of god do not ever get pregnant by him as he's already shown the type of father he is.

Goldflap · 03/10/2023 21:35

Why is he still paying his ex wife if he is doing 50/50 ?

If I were you I'd just be totally honest and say you don't think it's working for anyone and he isn't coping.
Not sure why you don't feel you can say that but a good therapist should offer you an opportunity to be honest.

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2023 21:36

I would LTB, tbh.

I don’t think it’s your place to push him to move away from 50:50, he was asking for it for years, he has got it and his ex has arranged her life accordingly.

Sounds like he could use a parenting class, but it’s not your job to teach him.

Ponderingwindow · 03/10/2023 21:36

Maybe suggest he ask his ex-wife for tips on making sure his household runs smoothly when the children are in his care? Making it clear he is not asking her to solve his problems, just that he values her experience and since he is trying to do better would appreciate any advice she wants to give.

if the kids aren’t entirely happy, she probably has thoughts about what is happening and will welcome the chance to advise him.

you absolutely should not suggest a parent not be an active, involved parent there doing the daily work of parenting.

Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:40

This is really helpful @Ponderingwindow
I know I can’t ask him to reduce his contact time with own kids. They do come as a set. I’d be horrified if he asked me to spend less time with mine.
I guess I need to use the counselling to work out whether I can continue to accept the realities of this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:42

I don’t like the idea of the kids seeing him depressed but if it was that he was still with ex they’d still see it wouldn’t they? It’s a sad thing but it is what it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:45

Hmmm @SheilaFentiman you may well be right! I can’t tell him he needs parenting classes can I?

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 03/10/2023 21:48

I’ve arranged for us to have couples therapy in 2 weeks so I can try and raise it in a gentle and calm way.

If you've not raised this yet, what does he think the couples counselling is actually for?

Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:49

Goldflap · 03/10/2023 21:35

Why is he still paying his ex wife if he is doing 50/50 ?

If I were you I'd just be totally honest and say you don't think it's working for anyone and he isn't coping.
Not sure why you don't feel you can say that but a good therapist should offer you an opportunity to be honest.

I think because he can well afford to and it’s bad for kids if one parent earns so much more and can give them more? My ex and I earn about the same but if my wage was 5x his I’d probably pay him money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:51

excelledyourself · 03/10/2023 21:48

I’ve arranged for us to have couples therapy in 2 weeks so I can try and raise it in a gentle and calm way.

If you've not raised this yet, what does he think the couples counselling is actually for?

Ha good point! I said at this stage in our relationship we should check in with a counsellor to discuss our future goals, like when we might actually ever live together or marry. We don’t manage to speak about tough stuff much as he’s so exhausted all the time.

OP posts:
gillywee · 03/10/2023 21:53

If you're in couples therapy after less than three years, know you'll probably never want to live with him and you suspect that he only wants to live with you so you'll parent his kids ... do you really need us to spell it out?
Sorry love, I think you should get out before it's too late.

androidnotapple · 03/10/2023 21:55

Honestly, I'd leave. No kids together? Don't drag your kids into this

strawberrysea · 03/10/2023 21:57

I'm sorry to be the arsehole but a man unable to parent his kids properly after 9 years would be a turn off that I couldn't come back from.

Why are you organising the nanny?! Why couldn't he do it?! I'm not chastising you whatsoever, I'm just extremely confused about why he isn't able to make these sorts of parenting decisions himself.

Many single parents are completely alone and have their kids 100% of the time and so if he's struggling with 50% I'm not sure that a parenting class will be sufficient.

It sounds to me as though he wanted this 50/50 split after his ex wife being the primary carer for years and is only now facing the realities of parenting. The fact that he can't fulfil basic needs like hydration is quite concerning.

excelledyourself · 03/10/2023 21:58

I'd call it day.

You say he's already tried to ask you to live with him and you don't want to. That was an opportunity to talk about what you now want him to discuss in counselling.

At less than three years, it sounds like too much hassle to me,

Rabbitbrain · 03/10/2023 21:59

I would phrase it as concern for him and the children. I think it’s very difficult if you’ve spent years being the ‘secondary’ parent to adapt to day-to-day parenting. Having to pause your own stuff (work etc) and instead do necessary drudgery like dinner and laundry. But if he’s going to have them 50:50 he has to take it seriously, for his own well-being as well as theirs. Most people actually have to try quite hard to be decent parents. If you feel you are good at this stuff you could be a source of advice and support. But clearly saying this only works if he’s not defensive, which seems fairly unlikely tbh.

LocalHobo · 03/10/2023 22:03

The kids are usually on video games, fighting, or at the weekend getting taken out for meals and cinema and theme parks and bought sweets and slushies
This sounds pretty normal to me.

Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 22:06

LocalHobo · 03/10/2023 22:03

The kids are usually on video games, fighting, or at the weekend getting taken out for meals and cinema and theme parks and bought sweets and slushies
This sounds pretty normal to me.

Haha I’m sure it is! I also need to examine my own expectations which therapy will help with.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 03/10/2023 22:09

LocalHobo · 03/10/2023 22:03

The kids are usually on video games, fighting, or at the weekend getting taken out for meals and cinema and theme parks and bought sweets and slushies
This sounds pretty normal to me.

Yup I thought this. I'm supposed to work 4 days but lately I work much more including weekends. You'd probably think my parenting is shit too and I've got DH around some of the time!

I think just don't move in with him. Leave him to it. It'll probably get easier as dc get older but you have a long time to wait.

Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 22:15

Rabbitbrain · 03/10/2023 21:59

I would phrase it as concern for him and the children. I think it’s very difficult if you’ve spent years being the ‘secondary’ parent to adapt to day-to-day parenting. Having to pause your own stuff (work etc) and instead do necessary drudgery like dinner and laundry. But if he’s going to have them 50:50 he has to take it seriously, for his own well-being as well as theirs. Most people actually have to try quite hard to be decent parents. If you feel you are good at this stuff you could be a source of advice and support. But clearly saying this only works if he’s not defensive, which seems fairly unlikely tbh.

I agree with all of this.
Hard for me to provide advice and support usually. As a parent I’m the polar opposite of DP and his ex wife. They’re both v loving but also they don’t do rules. Quite a lot of rules in my house that get followed. DP gets exasperated kids won’t listen then shouts. I don’t do the shouting cos my kid knows exactly what to do when. Maybe I’m a control freak and my kid is a robot. But I wouldn’t know where to start with DP’s kids. They seem like they are in charge of both households. I don’t want to unleash my parenting style on them it will be like moving them to another country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 22:18

ZenNudist · 03/10/2023 22:09

Yup I thought this. I'm supposed to work 4 days but lately I work much more including weekends. You'd probably think my parenting is shit too and I've got DH around some of the time!

I think just don't move in with him. Leave him to it. It'll probably get easier as dc get older but you have a long time to wait.

Show quote history

There’s no such thing as bad parenting when you love your kids and do your best. Whatever happens on a given day they may not remember but they will remember they were loved by people who did their best.

OP posts:
ToastMarmalade · 03/10/2023 22:19

despite having a part-time nanny I found for him. I got as far as this and it tells me everything that I need to know. If you have to get a nanny, then it’s not 50/50 shared parenting, it’s 50/50 parcel it out to a nanny. And if you have to wait for your GF to sort out the nanny…

The childcare arrangements are supposed to put the kids in the centre. Not the adults. Kids normally do best with their parents, and the parents who do the parenting best, and in financial and emotional security.

Unless the mother is not a good parent, then he needs to have another frank chat with her about an arrangement which suits the kids better, even if it means giving her maintenance so that she can get the nanny. Sounds like that would be better for the kids.

caban · 03/10/2023 22:24

This isn't really about 50-50.

There is too much of a difference in parenting styles and personality types for this relationship to go anywhere.