DH and SD relationship breakdown

[Itsrainingshessnoring]

Advice needed please on the relationship breakdown of DH and DSD

Have been in DSD life since just gone 3, she is now 10.

DSD was only child on both mum and dad's side until DS was born 3 years ago.

I've had a lot of involvement on DSDs life, looking after her when mum and dad are at work, taking her for daysbout and on holiday just the two of us. Have continued to do so even when DS was born. Have always done this as I've only ever worked a few days a week where as mum and dad work full time.

DsD used to cry having to go back to mums, however since DS was born the relationship has started ro break down. DSD started to not want to come and visit saying its not the same since DS and she doesn't get the attention she wants, she stated she wanted more time with DH, that's understandable so I would take DS out so they could spend 1:1 time together.

Unfortunately we have now been placed in temporary accommodation and the relationship has completely nroken down. DsD doesn't want to stay in the accommodation, completely understandable, but is now also saying she doesn't want to see me or her brother, only DH. Whilst I get it, it's not possible to only see DH on his own all the time and this has put DH in a really awkward position.

DS loves her big sister and keeps asking to see her and if I'm honest I feel really hurt by this. DH is torn, he wants to see his daughter, but says she can't dictate that she only sees him and not the rest of the family and she has to learn she is no longer the only child.

I'm struggling to see how we will come back from this, even when back in our own home.

What's the distance between where you and ex currently live? Will the distance be closer or more when you get a home?

A lot closer, we will be 20mins half an hour away. Currently over an hour away

It sounds pretty difficult. A 3 year old and 10 year old don't have much in common and it sounds like with being in temporary accommodation it's hard to make visits work. For now I'd take the pressure off really and make plans for sd and dad to have quality time together and if she sees you and her brother in passing and just naturally in a low key way that's good but have no expectations . She'll come around hopefully in time. Try not to be hurt about it, she's trying to figure things out. Would she want to trip out with just you occasionally given the history?

How long in temporary accommodation?

Could dh go every Sunday and spend a few hours with her. And if he could rearrange work try to pick her up from school one evening.

Seeing your ds would she face time?

How long has this been going on? If only a couple of months then I'd not give up all hope of it being a phase

She is around the age where a judge would allow her to choose how much contact she had with each parent and going to secondary (age 11) is often an age where contact patterns change anyway.
What I'm trying to say is that she's not unreasonable to express a preference of contact with just dad. If your h went to court then he'd be expected to suck it up because courts wouldn't force a 11yo to see him if she didn't want to even if it only spend a few hours rather than days together. She's clearly jealous of her half brother and if your h says that he won't see her without your ds there then he'll be picking him over her. Is there any chance of accommodating some time just dad and daughter? Contact is for seeing dad.

Ride it out.
A huge amount has changed for her and she is at a really tricky age. She might see the baby as the catalyst where everything went wrong. She won't feel like this forever.
I'd tell her that you know it feels like everything is ruined sometimes and it's scary but that this is just a temporary blip and to try not to blame it all on the baby or you. That she's still your girl and that if she needs extra time with her dad then that's fine

We have had to go temperary accommodation due to problems with our home, could be another 3 months yet

I continued to do things with her the same as before however most of the time now woth DS. I treat DSD the same as DS so if me and DS go anywhere DSD always comes along too.

Dad is currently spe ding a few hours with her every Sunday and even then she is asking when she can go back to mums.

Why cant her father see her separately? there are seven days a week and he can't prioritise her for any? They can hardly do many age appropriate activities with a toddler in tow, e.g. the cinema/bowling?

"DH is torn, he wants to see his daughter, but says she can't dictate that she only sees him and not the rest of the family and she has to learn she is no longer the only child."

Well Dh needs to step up and engage with her where she is now - or he simply may not have the privilege of her in his life later. He is the one with two children, she didn't have a sister/brother - she has a half sibling who is getting her dad all the time - why not meet the child where she is ? how is avoiding her going to improve the situation.

Well, because not all parents budget for age appropriate activities like bowling/cinema every week, this is more occasional, and they also (especially if working during the week) only see any of their kids for any length of time on the weekend, and the vast majority of family time is made up of the whole family together just "being", in and out of the house, but generally as a group. This is a realistic description of the average family. It's not both parents allocating a weekend day each to just spend with each individual kid. They'd never do much together themselves as a partnership, for starters.

He is the one with two children, she didn't have a sister/brother - she has a half sibling who is getting her dad all the time - why not meet the child where she is ?

Friend of mine is married to a man who took this approach. Worked fine when he was a teen and the half siblings were tinies. But he grew up and so did the half sisters - without ever really forming a relationship with each other. And my friend felt very much that she and her kids were excluded from that, so they all got on with things as separate units. And now - as a young adult - I think he would like to have the whole “family thing”; the father certainly would. But it isn’t there - and it isn’t something you can create retrospectively. (So he comes for lunch, or whatever - everyone is very polite but there’s no sense of family.). It’s not necessarily for the best in the long term.

Keep the Sunday thing happening.
Every now and again have your son also join in.
Every now and again have you all together.
Realistic is reasonable.
Ask your SD to decide the activity or outing - her interests will be changing a lot.

@aSofaNearYou if my relationship with my child had deteriorated I would take the time to spend a day with them, it could be museum, gallery etc

Because that is what I am reading is the daughter is feeling she has lost her. Surely as a parent you would do absolutely everything to fight for her. I know I would.

There's an argument there, but there's also an argument that lots of kids would like to send their siblings back but the reality is they can't, neither sibling can get rid of the other and they just need to get used to it. This is how it generally is in a nuclear family. Separately, lots of kids might like to be taken out all the time but the parent may simply have to say that is too expensive and isn't going to happen.

The only real difference here is that she has the option to opt out. But children of two households could use that to make any demands of their parents, it's up to them where they draw the line and say "sorry no, this is happening whether you like it or not".

@aSofaNearYou plenty of step/half siblings don't have nor form sibling relationships. The idea that a parent would treat a child like this really is upsetting.

Full disclosure my father didn't, we haven't seen nor heard for 30 years plus. Looking at my children that would never happen.

I don't understand the concept of suck it up to a child who has in effect lost their relationship with their parent and throw in another adult and children who "get" your parent.

To me it speaks volumes to a person's integrity and priorities.

Is this temporary accommodation even suitable for her? It’s unclear if you’ve had to rent a house (with a room for her, and her stuff in) because your house needs a new roof or something, or if you’re effectively homeless and all stuck in a B&B room. If the latter then of course she doesn’t want to come. It’d be traumatic for any child and very few would choose it if they have a perfectly good home elsewhere.

To me, it's refusing to engage with the notion that they have "lost" their parent. Their parent is right there, their family is right there, they are welcome to spend time with them. They are the one's choosing not to. Treating them any differently to how they would in any other family - ie "yes I know you wish your brother didn't exist but they do and you need to accept that, we'll go out alone together whenever plans and budget allow" marks them out as different and abandoned.

@aSofaNearYou but they are not their sibling, the key point they are their half sibling. It isn't the same and saying it is does not make it so.

My father had children with his mistress/partner - me and my siblings do not consider them siblings - and this is common. Forcing a relationship doesn't work. Saying a child "chooses not to engage" is very worryingly. We don't allow children to make decisions about medical needs at that age because we recognise their lack of capacity - yet you are trying to enforce a mature mindset in these circumstances.

It didn't go great in our family for the parent who took that path - they lost their original family, subsequent grandchildren etc - they seriously seemingly regret that. I am simply letting the OP that if they follow that path - there could be irrevocable circumstances that span generations.

Oh right then, I'll be sure to tell my DD she doesn't need to acknowledge her half sibling because he's only half, that would go down great on here 😂 Sure makes things a lot simpler for me!

Look, you clearly have skin in the game, and that's your right, you think what you think.

But I still think what I think. Lots of kids don't like their siblings and wish they had all their parents attention. There are hundreds of threads on full sibling rivalry. They have to get used to it and put up with it. They might never like their sibling but they're not going to get taken out on a special one on one outing every weekend either. There will be a degree of putting up with it.

If my DSS made these demands of my DP it would be a simple "no, sorry, we can't afford to go out all the time so we need to spend time at the house, and we are a family of five, I'm not going to spend one day of every weekend with just one member. We'll do it sometimes but it can't be every time".

There could be consequences in the same way there are in all families.

@aSofaNearYou I agree I have skin in the game - hence I am sharing mine and my siblings experience because it is still impacting the next generations. And I really would not recommend it.

My comment refers specifically to a child who chooses not to have a relationship with a half sibling, I certainly did not mean to imply that a child who sees their relationship as siblings full stop - I would never be that cruel.

And again to clarify - it is time I am referring to the parent to give their child not money. The idea that consequences are being placed on a child is in my head disturbing. But then I would do absolutely anything and everything to maintain my relationship with my children - I guess that is not true of everyone - sadly. A few measly hours a week - well as they say it comes back in spades.

Best of luck with your family challenge OP and the choices you make - I hope my prospective has been helpful.