Finding this so difficult

[Amy8]

Long story short - like most things in life, I became a step mum unexpectedly during lockdown and whilst 8 months pregnant- my oh son decided to come live with dad (and me), and mum washed her hands.

I always felt it was the wrong choice and that he should have been encouraged to stay with mum - I never expected his mum to allow it for so long. I've tried , really tried but being a new mum at the same time as I became a Stepmum has built all types of resentments and SS12 now , been with us 3 years - is hardwork. He's a good kid but extremely cold and I've tried finding common ground but his tantrums although rare have been quite scary to me and then just habits which make it clear he's not been raised by us - so eating and he's very religious, I find if I liked him it'd help but there's nothing to bond over other than our love for his dad and my daughter, who he clearly adores and that's helped somewhat.

I also pay a lot financially towards family as breadwinner though oh does most the practical parenting stuff but that's more for his son and I actually wish he had more time for his daughter and me.

I just wonder a lot about the family unit I dreamt of. Am I being unreasonable? Well even if I am,
Wondering if anyone else has coping strategies towards being a better step parent ?

Do you mean you became a full time step parent unexpectedly?

Why did his mum “wash her hands of him” at 9? That’s really questionable behaviour on her part. Do you think his coldness could be related to his mothers actions? His tantrums definitely could be.

His coldness as you see it, might just be that he is by nature reserved and is now living in a home that operates quite differently to the one he is most used to. Your mention of religion made me wonder if he is struggling to adjust in that respect.

It does sound really challenging but there are positives - he loves his little sister, rather than resenting her etc.

You're not being unreasonable and I completely understand how you feel. My DD was only a few weeks old when my DSCs came to live with us full time. It made being a new mum incredibly hard and I felt like I missed out on many experiences, as well as the support from my DP at times that I would otherwise have had because the focus was on DSCs. I understood why, they had had a huge trauma (they were removed from mum by SS) and needed a lot of support, but it meant I was on my own with DD a lot. I also didn't have a whole lot in common with my DSC and found it hard to bond over common interests, in fact their interests tend to be things that I would want to discourage- lots of computer games, quite macabre interests and fixations with guns, military and violence. When they came to live with us DP had to take a lower paid job closer to home making me the breadwinner and meaning I had to return to work sooner than I would have wanted to after my DD was born.

My DSCs mum was allowed contact but has eventually decided she doesn't want it. Their behaviour can be very difficult and they struggle to regulate their emotions, particular DSS who is 11.
It's a hard, shitty situation for everyone. I have had many periods of feeling very resentful at how things have ended up, I'm not resentful of DSC but more of the situation. They have been raised very differently to how I want to raise my children. One thing that we have been able to bond over though is our love for my DDs (I have since had another). I struggled initially with giving physical affection to DSC, particularly the youngest who appeared to need it but at the same time was torn as didn't want to feel like he was being disloyal to his mum. I would give him a kiss or a cuddle at night if I was putting him to bed but tell him it was from his little sister. Now I give one from each of them and one from his dad and one from me.

It's been and continues to be really hard but I feel like we are gradually getting there. It tends to be 2 steps forward and 1 step back but we're still going in the right direction. I remind myself about what they've been through and are going through when I'm finding it hard. I do my best to minimise the impact of the negative things they have experienced on my DDs whilst encouraging and supporting them to build a positive relationship with them. This seems to have helped us a lot as a family and helps me as well.

I totally feel you on how hard it is though.

Well he had years of tantrums not wanting to live with her and wanting his dad - and that became more intense in lockdown and they all just seemed to allow it - she never "fought" for him which is what I thought a mum would do ...in any case, she's not a bad mum either

Thanks for responding @Leonere seems like we've similar stories , how old are your step kids ? How does your other half expect you to behave and react ...does he understand ?

My oh goes from getting it to then expecting me just to try harder ,
Which is hard

They are 7 and 11.

In the early days I don't think he understood how hard it was so there were a lot of arguments and I very seriously considered leaving for a long time. Now he does seem to understand, I'm not really sure what made him realise but one day he told me he gets how difficult it must be and listed off the things about the situation that he imagined I would find hard. This included things that I hadn't said before because I thought it would come across badly but like how having DSC here means that my DDs miss out at times or don't get the same level of attention. It helps massively to know he understands what is difficult ab out it for me, even if it doesn't really change anything (although I have noticed that since then he does seem to try a harder to make sure it's a bit more balanced but the nature of the situation means that they do need more attention from him because DDs have two parents there whereas DSC only have him).

Do you think it could be worth going to couples counselling? Maybe someone who specialises in blended families or step-parenting might be able to help?

That seems quite the journey - we're nearly 3 years in , I just don't see my feelings changing which is perhaps hardest for oh to accept but he is starting to, I have sought advice and help from the "nacho " school of thought as it aligned most to how I feel about being a step mum and I've explained the theory to oh - he finds it hard to understand but is starting to.

I would definitely consider a good counsellor in this space as it's quite unique , I think I'm starting to accept these are just my boundaries and I need understanding and respect for those boundaries

Considering what is best for a twelve year old, I think your OH should be encouraging a regular contact with his son and his son's mother.
Even if once a fortnight those three have a coffee at McDonalds together - then, gradually, sometimes just Mum and son.
It leaves your SS very vulnerable when only seeing one parent.

If a more normal relationship redevelops with his Mum you will all have some more flexibility in your lives too - less tension.

If he loves his little sister fiercely that’s going to be such a good thing for her in 10 years time and through her teen years. An older sibling with a big age gap and a good relationship is quite a special thing - they can fill a role a bit like a favourite younger Aunt or Uncle, which can be invaluable when kids go through the stage of starting to pull away from their parents but still needing guidance of caring adults in their lives.

Thank you and this is what I've encouraged though far from regular and he seems to go through the motions in seeing her , maybe more to please us - I don't know if there's a genuine issue or if he's been brainwashed by grandparents and even my oh in thinking she's a bad mum , I've seen no evidence of it -
Well until now where she doesn't make effort but there may be two sides to that