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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stop me from doing it again, please!

44 replies

DarkDuvet · 26/09/2023 22:46

So, I’m in my fifties, DC is15. Live with him in peace and harmony, after years of angst. Had a previous SS, now grown, and also raised my sister’s child: grown but difficult.

My DP is a little younger. He has his 11 year old Dd full time. She no longer sees her mother (new since we started seeing each other, in my defence)

i love him dearly, and we have an amazing time together, but it’s very difficult to have that time.

He would like to move in with me. I know it would be awful (for me! Great for him) but I keep swaying. He’s not pressuring me, my boundaries are clear.

but! Remind me why this is such a dreadful idea, please

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tryanotheruser · 27/09/2023 12:21

HenryCavillsWife · 27/09/2023 11:23

I didn't live with my DH for 5 years, while my DC were young. It didn't damage our relationship at all. We've been married for 10 years now, and live together, and we're really happy.

The living-apart years were the happiest, sexiest, most passionate years, I'd say. It's lovely now but comfy/cosy rather than shagging all over the house like we used to. 😂

Same 😂

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2023 12:26

I find just about everyone can rub along well if they have separate living spaces, it all changes once you start sleeping under the same roof.
Don't do it.

lunar1 · 27/09/2023 12:29

Doesn't he think his daughter has been through enough for the minute, in a years she's stopped having any contact with mum, and dad has a new girlfriend. Massive red flag that he wants do disrupt her again.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 12:48

@HenryCavillsWife that’s convinced me! I do not want to lose the hot sex for day to day comfiness 😂

OP posts:

StopStartStop · 27/09/2023 12:51

I know it would be awful (for me! Great for him)

That's all you need to know. Remember. Keep saying no.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 12:53

@lunar1 i hear what you’re saying, but actually it’s been really good for his DD that he got in tow with me. I’m really good at this parenting lark ( so much practice!) and a pretty steady person.

her parents have been divorced for years.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 27/09/2023 13:21

She needs to be patented by he parent. I'm sure you are lovely, but he needs to be doing the work. He can't outsource that because he currently has an girlfriend.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 13:55

Yep, he does it all, I just advise

OP posts:

Neekoh · 27/09/2023 13:57

DarkDuvet · 26/09/2023 23:01

@AnneLovesGilbert exactly!

i won’t do it. I get tempted as I’m all in love and smoochy. But I remain sane (almost😂)

I think if you stay living apart the 'in love and smoochy' phase is likely to last a lot, lot longer!

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2023 14:01

I think you're asking for reminders about what's it's like to have teen girls. I hâve 3 teen girls. I can't wait for them to leave home. They are all lovely girls really. And will fabulous soon but.....

They can take so fucking long to get ready. They are noisy. One is skuzy. Another one is bitchy. Several are drama queens. One always feels hard done by. One is always in therapy and never improves.

I feel permanently guilty. Its shit.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 18:24

@Wallywobbles thank you! The scuzz and drama… I could never go back

OP posts:

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 21:40

Thank you everyone. My love driven wobble has been averted by your wise words.

OP posts:

Indiacalling · 27/09/2023 22:15

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 12:53

her parents have been divorced for years.

The fact that you are good at parenting is precisely why he wants to move in after a year, though. Takes the responsibility from him. I agree with the PP who sees that as a bit of a red flag from him. Plenty of time to live together when his DC is older.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 23:16

I think he’s naive and thinks everything will be more lovely if we are a family. He craves that after his own upbringing.

Luckily, if sadly, I know things don’t work like that.

if it were just me and him I’d run off into the sunset with him. That’s why it’s so hard

OP posts:

LemonLimeDivine · 28/09/2023 20:42

Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Personally I’d give it a swerve knowing what I know now as a stepmum of 13 years.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 28/09/2023 21:38

@LemonLimeDivine he’s so lovely. It’s magical.

But. I must not be swayed

OP posts:

StopFuckingTouchingMe · 28/09/2023 21:51

What coincidental timing that just as her mother disappears, he's pushing for you both to move in together.

Original poster

DarkDuvet · 29/09/2023 07:55

No, he’s had sole care of her for years. The mother was on the scene for contact up until recently. She has her own issues.

He is not pushing me, as I made my position very clear from the start. It’s rather me getting all rose tinted specs and thinking it would be nice. Which I know really it would very much not!

OP posts:

PreetyinPurple · 29/09/2023 08:16

DS is in the middle of his GCSEs and then maybe A levels. I wouldn’t do anything to cause any interruption to that.

I know someone who has just moved in with BF of 7 years. His child is grown up now, she has 2 at home still. Their hand was forced by raising mortgage prices, her older children leaving and the house being too big/expensive. They were trying to hold on for another 2 years, especially as then the choice where to live would not be dictated by schools. But it seems to be going fine and her children are very used to him now and in 2 years they might be child free totally.

Unless there is dire reason I would push back.

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