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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stop me from doing it again, please!

44 replies

DarkDuvet · 26/09/2023 22:46

So, I’m in my fifties, DC is15. Live with him in peace and harmony, after years of angst. Had a previous SS, now grown, and also raised my sister’s child: grown but difficult.

My DP is a little younger. He has his 11 year old Dd full time. She no longer sees her mother (new since we started seeing each other, in my defence)

i love him dearly, and we have an amazing time together, but it’s very difficult to have that time.

He would like to move in with me. I know it would be awful (for me! Great for him) but I keep swaying. He’s not pressuring me, my boundaries are clear.

but! Remind me why this is such a dreadful idea, please

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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Ladybyrd · 26/09/2023 22:50

He's a fulltime parent. It's either both or nothing. They come as a job lot.

Original poster
DarkDuvet · 26/09/2023 22:52

At the moment we see each other without DCs when possible, I know really I do not want to live with another child, but sometimes I swither 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
lunar1 · 26/09/2023 22:52

Why would you put your child through more years of angst?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 22:52

Have you mentioned it it your dc? Prob find your answer right there why it would be a terrible idea...

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2023 22:55

Don’t do it.

You’ve got a few short years left with DS at home, enjoy them. Don’t bring drama and pre teen girls with traumatic mothers into his and your home. Why on Earth would you?!!!!

AtlasPine · 26/09/2023 22:56

Wait until your ds grows up then consider it if you have to. You don’t want this so don’t make a huge mistake.

Original poster
DarkDuvet · 26/09/2023 22:59

I wouldn’t. But sometimes I need a kicking to remember this.

We all rub along very well, DS is a fan of DP and vice versa. They share hobbies. Plenty room, equal income.

But I’ve done the girl teenage years, and very much do not want again. Reminders of the pitfalls, to smash my occasionally rose tinted longing

OP posts:
hotcandle · 26/09/2023 22:59

Absolutely, do not do it. It will be horrific. Your also heading into the most emotional years of his daughters life and nobody wants to become a step mother to those issues.

I think a lot of people fall for the 'we will move out if it's bad' but it's always the death of the relationship.

Keep your houses separate and enjoy your relationship as is.

Original poster
DarkDuvet · 26/09/2023 23:01

@AnneLovesGilbert exactly!

i won’t do it. I get tempted as I’m all in love and smoochy. But I remain sane (almost😂)

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 26/09/2023 23:03

You don’t have to do it unless you really want to and think it will be a positive in everyone’s life.
No need for a reason

Chunkychips23 · 27/09/2023 05:53

Teenage girls are hardwork, especially someone else’s who you’d have full time! My SD is now coming out of the other side, but it’s been a rough few years and all of us now have more grey hairs than we should have 😂

Floofydawg · 27/09/2023 06:58

God I'd kill to have my own space again. My DD has left home but we still have his 16yo 3 nights a week. I feel like my parenting is done and I don't want to do it any more. Wait til his DD has gone to uni and enjoy your own space.

Also, have a think about what the benefits would be to you - you say it would benefit him more if you lived together - why? Be selfish, you are at the time in your life when you really don't need the extra hassle.

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2023 07:01

What benefits are there to living together? Who will it benefit most him or you?

Beamur · 27/09/2023 07:04

Not all teen girls are hard work. My DD and my DSD are brilliant young woman.
Would I want to do it all again in my 50's though - not sure I would.
Do you have any kind of relationship with your partners child?
If you see yourselves together longer term, then you're going to include your respective children at some point but I can't see why that has to mean living together.

gogomoto · 27/09/2023 07:10

Every situation is different, blended families can work if the personalities work together just like biological families can be a nightmare. What do the kids think about this? Do you spend weekends, holidays together? If not try this first for a few months. She comes as part of the package so you need to decide but do it slowly.

I have one of my DD's plus one of dps dds living with us, older now but they rub along fine

Tryanotheruser · 27/09/2023 07:15

My DDs are also brilliant young women (per pp) but I would not want to do the teenage years again! We were not always brilliant as the teen years can be rocky- and were, in our case.
If it helps @DarkDuvet, DH and I met when my youngest was 13 and his was at university. We had a lovely 'dating' relationship for 5 years. He was more determined than I was to not move in together, but he was absolutely right. 15 years on, we're very happily married so I'd say our relationship thrived on that decision ♥

Owjrbvr · 27/09/2023 07:19

I’m in the midst of this and although I’d do it a hundred times over for my DSD there is no way I’d do it for another step child in the future. It puts pressure on your relationship, it means that you cannot take a step back in the way you can when you don’t live together and it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship with your stepchild. Stay how you are, sympathise with the challenges for him and give advice if he wants it but also enjoy your own life and freedom

MeridianB · 27/09/2023 08:06

How long have you been with DP?

Interesting that you say he wants to move in with you......

Are we right to suspect that he will gain all the benefits from this?

Original poster
DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 09:15

Thank you all

@Tryanotheruser that does cheer me. I do think that’s the way forwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 09:23

To answer other questions, we’ve been seeing each other for a year. The DCs rub along fine.

The problem is that it’s really hard to get time just with him, because he has his DC all the time. This was not the case at the start, or I’d never have embarked on this!

He’s not had the experience of other people’s children that I’ve had, nor the strain dealing with teenagers can put on a relationship. I don’t want to be in permanent mum mode now that I’ve got to this stage.

He is not pressuring me at all, he has his own home, cooks, etc. Its just that whilst I know it’s a bad idea, I occasionally get the mad notion, hence asking to here to get the rose coloured specs off again

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkDuvet · 27/09/2023 09:25

Oh, and he knows I will not move house, as I promised DS that we’d stay here. Hence why he’d have to move in here in any scenario

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 27/09/2023 09:26

It would be awful for you. It would make your life and your son's life worse.

It's not long til both your children are grown. Less than a decade.

If this relationship is set to last, then there's no rush for moving in. You said it yourself, moving in basically means he gets you to do all the wife work and bring up another child.

Prioritise your son and prioritise your own happiness. If that means waiting til you're both without children at home to live together, so be it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/09/2023 09:37

You would have to be insane to do this! What that little girl needs is someone who is prepared to be her mum and to put up with the hard times in order to benefit from having a daughter. That's not you.

MeridianB · 27/09/2023 10:24

It sounds like he's the one who needs to find the child-free time. Moving in won't solve this.

And I think it's a red flag that he wants to move in after a year.

I'd throw the challenge back at him - ask him to let you know when he can go for dinner/stay for breakfast etc.

HenryCavillsWife · 27/09/2023 11:23

I didn't live with my DH for 5 years, while my DC were young. It didn't damage our relationship at all. We've been married for 10 years now, and live together, and we're really happy.

The living-apart years were the happiest, sexiest, most passionate years, I'd say. It's lovely now but comfy/cosy rather than shagging all over the house like we used to. 😂

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