Step parent to a pre teen girl

[booktime1]

My step daughter (12) isn't the worst behaved girl and I take no role in her parenting but I'm increasingly finding there are undertones of attitude while my DH isn't in the room.
I know her mother is finding her very difficult at the moment and my DH and her are frequently in talks about her attitude, I can see a scenario of her coming to live with us full time and I honestly don't know how I would cope, if her own mother can't live with her how am I supposed to? Her mum thinks she's better behaved for DH, which I think she probably is but I can tell she has very little respect for me. I literally don't ask her to do a thing around the house so I've not felt the wrath yet.
Anyway this is just musing as it's not even been mooted but has anyone else got any tips on dealing with teenage step daughters? I mean it's just going to get worse isn't it? Has anyone had the scenario of dsd moving in permanently because mum can't cope?

Would you and DH be able to reach out to her mum and discuss an approach you can all take so she isn't playing one house off against the other and laying down some basic expectations of how she treats mum and you?

You don't have to be taking an active parenting role in her life to deserve a basic level of respect and courtesy from her.

Teens are hard job....I've got 2 and it's not easy at times, but ofcourse would be harder for you as a step mum....maybe try befriending her, take her out, shopping/cinema or a place to eat or some activities you can do together....I know when my kids play up a one to one doing something always helps. Good luck 🤞

@booktime1
If she is better behaved for her dad that's prop cause her mums house is her safe space, if she comes to live with yous give it time and yous will start to get what the mother gets when she get comfortable.

Ahhhh teenage girls I thought I was well behaved but my mother latterly has told me I was the reason she went grey at that time.

Yes its probably going to get worse, hormones are a absolute bitch. Good news they come out of it hopefully. I agree that you need to take a joint approach with mum if you can.

That said if she's rude or downright disrespectful say something in the moment. She's pushing to see if you care and needs to know where the limits are. If boundaries don't exist then she will push to find them and will eventually hit gold.

Firmly state hey that's not cool and move on swiftly. Loops your partner in on it too.

Being a teens hard and parenting a teen is hell, and being a step parent to a teen is probably the third circle of hell. Be consistent be fair and speak up.

If it helps the teen years have come full circle as my dsd his teen years with a bang. It gets easier.

Until then grapes 🍇 are a fruit and healthy for you and good for times of stress and when I say grapes I actually mean fermented grapes ok I am actually referring to wine

Step daughters in teen years are hard. Mine is 14 now and can be challenging at times. Remember you're not her parent and be that 'fun aunt'. Don't give yourself a hard time teenagers are complex. If she is to move in and there's thing that 'bug' you speak to DH first so it can be nipped in the bud and you'll be fine!

What you allow will continue.

You don’t have to actively parent her to have boundaries and expectations around her behaviour when she is in your home.

I have my SKs full time, one is 12 and has 'the attitude'. If you get her I would suggest you default to your DH on any kind of discipline or behaviour as far as possible for anything serious, although at the same time I think you can't allow her to be rude or cheeky to you. If my SS gets an attitude or is rude to me I will usually just tell him, "please don't speak to me like that" but because I'm not dealing with the bigger behavioural issues, I don't get the big blowups that DH does.
Ensure that you are respected as an adult in the home but don't allow yourself to get pulled into being a surrogate mum, let her dad do the parenting and you are more like a supportive aunt figure.

In my experience of this I’d say make sure you and your DH are on the same page and have him take the lead on parenting. If you get in a situation where you’re the bad guy with you on one side and your DH and DSD on the other side then that’s pretty hellish. She will naturally try to make your DH get ally without even realising she’s doing it and your DH will feel protective over her.
Parenting books on teens are really useful especially around not getting into conflict with them.
Also I found the preteen attitude worse than the actual teen attitude as at least once they get a bit older you can give them more responsibility and trust

I'm going to go against the grain here and say what works my my family.

Me and DH are United and do not disagree on something infront of my stepchildren. If we disagree we step away and discuss and then go back and let my stepchildren know what the plan is/rule is/agreement is etc

I turn up to every sports day, sports competition, parents evening etc and make a massive effort with their mother who was a difficult piece of work for the first few years.

However I do discipline my stepchildren if they are out of line while with me I tell them off exactly the same way I tell my own off and on the other side of that i viciously stick up for them if they are in the right for something. This has meant my stepchildren respect me as I show them respect. We get in great, they turn to me for advice, they want to come stay with me even when their dad is not here, they would be gutted if I missed a competition or didn't see their school show. I turn up for them and they turn up for me. So I can't say I agree with being a stepparent but not actually parenting

The best approach is for the parents to sit down and work out a strategy so they have a united front, same rules for both houses is a good idea. If they can then involve you (the the mothers dp if applicable so you are all on the same page and the dd can't play you off each other.

Having her to stay to give the mum a break is a good idea, but keep the house rules consistent