To attend or not attend the SC's birthday parties

[Alwaysthebaddie]

Every year, twice a year, this:

Partner and exw arrange joint parties for their two kids. They always did before I came along, so that's fine with me.
The kids, who like me, insist I go.
The exw - not sure why as I wasn't the other woman and she has her own partner- doesn't answer when asked by my partner if I should or shouldn't go. Exw, who always blanks me anytime I am near, also refuses, when asked, to commit to perhaps saying hello to me or 'how are you' in front of her children at parties.
In the knowledge I will be blanked at the party I muse about perhaps not attending. I realise I don't really mind if exw gets the 'victory' of my not attending. This is not my battle or my stuff.
Without mentioning why I tell the kids I might be busy that day. They cry at the thought of my not attending their special party.
So I go.
Exw blanks me, refuses to say hi or wave back, exw's cabal of mum friends blank me.
Everyone but me is offered a slice of cake by exw.
Exw looks more and more furious and exits joint party asap with kids saying 'why did mum leave early.'
Partner wrings his hands and looks crestfallen.
I just feel very, very tired.
And also that while exw and partner have stopped attacking each other after high conflict divorce 'for the kids' this does not apply to me, who will always be a proxy state in the cold war. Like Syria.

Is there any way forward? I can't do anything right.

Why was it a high conflict divorce?

Maybe him pressuring her to acknowledge you, etc rather than letting her do it herself in her time , has been too much pressure.

No real solution other than grin and bear it for a few hours. Have been in that situation with EXs OW who was high conflict but smiling sweetly, talking to people and starting the clearing up as we went along kept me busy and useful.

Take your own cake and when she gives everyone a slice just catch her eye and shove a chocolate eclair in your mouth slowly licking your lips afterwards.
Then jump up and say see you later kids and leave.

hahahaha. Maybe I won’t but it’s a wonderful vision.

Sounds like it’s become a big game to her, best thing to do is let her continue playing her game by herself. Easier said then done, but just go as normal, speak to who you would speak to ect and try to not let what she is / isn’t doing impact you.

Also if you DP brings / cuts the cake then that would resolve the issue of everyone but you bring give a slice.

If you start not going (after having previously gone) or get your DP to arrange a separate party then, if she’s doing this consciously, this will be exactly what she wants.

Good luck, hopefully with time she’ll be bored of the game, and even if she isn’t, taking yourself out of her game gives you back control.

What kind of parties are they? Are they particularly adult centric, because I don't see why the kids desperately want you at a play centre, swimming pool, ice skating, etc party as surely they are mainly there hanging out with their friends? I've always invited the ex h, who has never come because he doesn't want to hang out at a play centre with a bunch of women he doesn't know whilst the kids tear about. Maybe tell the kids the parties are to spend time with their friends, which they are, not you, and that you guys can go do something as a treat when they are with you?

I would bench joint parties and leave the party to her while you do your own plans.

I do the parties for my kids every year, I pay for them and organise them etc. Ex leaves it to me. It was always my territory when we’re together and he wasn’t interested when we were together so when we separated he handed that baton over to me.

He takes them out the evening of the party with his partner instead, they go for a nice dinner and do presents/candle in the desert type thing.

Could you switch to doing something similar like that?

The problem is your DH is asking his ex and making it her decision. It really shouldn’t be now everyone has moved on. Remove your ex from the situation, do you want to go.

I went to lots of parties for my nieces before I had kids and tbh if you don’t have a child there you are much of a spare part.

I think you absolutely have the right mentality, you're putting the children first and that's all they'll remember and actually for those few hours all that counts. If it was me I would probably have a couple of wines before hand and alternate between accepting I'll be sitting on my own with a smile plastered on my face, playing with the children and tidying up. Maybe about 5 long toilet breaks too 🤣. Maybe take up vaping so you can go outside regularly? ! 😂

I don't know exactly as I wasn't around when they were together. From what I've established it was one of those divorces that could've been amicable and carved from lots of compromise (like mine was). But instead of doing mediation and compromise, a lot of well meaning relatives bundled in, donated money for lawyers, and lawyers wound everyone up for £££. Everyone was accused and accusing of 'emotional abuse' and scraping the barrel of memories for potential accusations stretching back 20 years. Everyone went mad. Then suddenly they decided to stop it - I believe when the money for lawyers ran out! - and funnily enough the kids don't wet the bed or have behavioural problems anymore. The joint parties were always, during this horrific time, a time of detente. Like Xmas day in WW2. So they are important and symbolic and not something I care to mess with.

This is not to say that emotional abuse isn't serious or real. But I read some court papers and the examples of this that both sides came up with seemed trivial - a judge said so too.

Does her partner go? If so you should go, if not then don't. We have joint parties, but we all get on fine

The kids don’t call all the shots here

if they “work it out” just be honest, “I think your mum would be happier having her own party with you and who doesn’t want two parties?!”

if they want everyone there, “, well we’re changing things up this year as I don’t want your mum to leave early or you to leave early I just want everyone to be relaxed and happy. This is the new way we’re doing things”’

Your partner really needs to step up here - he should get you a slice of cake, talk to you, introduce you to people, get you involved - even invite a friend or a few sympathetic family members. If it’s half his party (I.e. he’s paid for half of it and he’s not just a guest) then he needs to start acting like a host instead of wringing his hands about whether you’re invited or not. It sounds like the ex is doing all the hard work and he’s basically just a guest.

If the ex is such a bitch to you then your partner should stop doing joint parties and you can do your own thing.

Why was it high conflict - she has to be nice to EX infront of DCs and if she still resents actions he took - you are an easy target. Albeit not the corect target.

The kids want you to attend and you are lovely.
I would still go but I would have a reason that I have to leave after a fair time (for your own self preservation).

Make a fuss of the birthday child and bring a gift.
Compliment the mother on having great kids and choosing a nice coloured sofa or whatever.
Thank both parents for putting on a sweet party and leave to do a grown up coffee, shop or something.