To attend or not attend the SC's birthday parties

[Alwaysthebaddie]

Every year, twice a year, this:

Partner and exw arrange joint parties for their two kids. They always did before I came along, so that's fine with me.
The kids, who like me, insist I go.
The exw - not sure why as I wasn't the other woman and she has her own partner- doesn't answer when asked by my partner if I should or shouldn't go. Exw, who always blanks me anytime I am near, also refuses, when asked, to commit to perhaps saying hello to me or 'how are you' in front of her children at parties.
In the knowledge I will be blanked at the party I muse about perhaps not attending. I realise I don't really mind if exw gets the 'victory' of my not attending. This is not my battle or my stuff.
Without mentioning why I tell the kids I might be busy that day. They cry at the thought of my not attending their special party.
So I go.
Exw blanks me, refuses to say hi or wave back, exw's cabal of mum friends blank me.
Everyone but me is offered a slice of cake by exw.
Exw looks more and more furious and exits joint party asap with kids saying 'why did mum leave early.'
Partner wrings his hands and looks crestfallen.
I just feel very, very tired.
And also that while exw and partner have stopped attacking each other after high conflict divorce 'for the kids' this does not apply to me, who will always be a proxy state in the cold war. Like Syria.

Is there any way forward? I can't do anything right.

Ah gosh I feel for those kids and also for you @Alwaysthebaddie I didn't go to any of my sd's birthday parties for the first few years because I just felt things weren't settled enough - hubby got lots of texts trying to pick fights about random stuff, or asking really weird questions (I also wasn't the OW) but exw ego couldn't cope with him moving on and not being her back-up man anymore (Oh she had a fella - the usual golden uterus double standards).

After a few years, she settled, mellowed, got used to the new normal and I did eventually go to a birthday party when I was confident me being there wasn't going to be a distraction from what was actually important, sd's birthday. I made myself as inoffensive and polite as possible, sat quietly with dh and smiled and was friendly to SD when she came over and it went fine.

I think there is no right or wrong honestly. Could you not do something with the kids another day with you and your partner instead? x

I think its right to leave it, as you did, while the detente in the cold war remains fragile.
Next time there's a party I will be cleverer about pre-arranging to be somewhere else.
The alternative is my partner stops the joint parties on my behalf. I don't think that's any good for the kids and could lead to a fresh invasion of the Crimea or some such :) 🙄

Yeah I agree with your approach..it's definitely just worth playing the long game until she realises you aren't going to give her the fight she is looking for. Just rise above, it will get easier. I was always 'working'...which I felt rubbish about but there was a good reason.

How old are the children? I asked because after a certain age (usually around 7), these parties will stop and you and DP can make your own birthday celebrations with the DSC.

It's sad to turn down their heartfelt invitations, but I think it's the best thing to do in these circs, even if DP is a co-host and paying half the costs.

Because the ex is prepared to create a nasty atmosphere at her own children's parties and take them home early purely to make a point about you being there.

It's absolutely bizarre behaviour and she is making herself look like a vindictive fool (what on earth must her new partner think!?!) but for the sake of the children, I would avoid.

I would avoid, to be honest.

She sounds like an absolute arsehole.

I get it. The way your feeling is absolutely crap and I feel for the kids too.

I would totally give yourself grace to nope out of it if you don't wanna face it. Chances are the kids are aware of what's been going down with mum and will understand. Joint parties will be coming to a end hopefully xxx

You say the EXW has a new partner... do they attend the parties? If they do, the onus has to be on your partner to grow a backbone and say that if her partner is going, so are you.

Do you have mutual friends/family at these parties that don't ignore you, or is everyone there against you? I'd probably just keep going to them if there were plenty of other people to talk to.

But tbh in your DPs shoes I'd have put a stop to joint parties after the first one that was in any way awkward, it's not the only way of doing things. I can't imagine it can go on for that long because kids don't usually have those sorts of parties for long, you two can just take them out for your own celebration.

Exw’s partner doesn’t go - not very involved with the kids afaik

Why doesn't your Dp take more responsibility for the party? If he gets the cake and cuts it, he can give everyone a slice. Does he invite his friends, who do talk to you? Where does this party happen?

Ha! He’s a very good man but he gets in such a state whenever having to deal with his ex wife that you can almost see his brains fall out of his ears and onto the floor. Flap flap flap. I’d have to walk behind him saying ‘hand me some cake now.’ Or perhaps set up an earpiece like in the detective programmes.

Why is he asking her if you should go? That's ridiculous. All that does is make her feel like she has the power to decided what you do.

I think it's about time that you start doing separate parties for the kids if she can't behave like an adult. It's clearly giving you and your DP anxiety having to deal with the exs shit and the kids will probably pick up on that.

I'm sure the kids won't mind getting 2 parties.

My DH's ex is and absolutely horror so we've always done everything separately and avoid being in the same room as her as much as possible.

Maybe controversial but I would suggest to your partner that he stops doing the joint party...

You sound like a fabulous step mum and the kids obviously love you. The ex should be thrilled that you're so interested and she should be ashamed she's being rude to you.

It sounds like she finds the prospect at you being at the joint party hard too so the best thing to do is to stop it for everybody's sakes. The kids will be happier with two separate celebrations I'm sure.

If she asks for a reason your partner should let her know that she obviously doesn't enjoy your company and he's not setting you up to be ignored or vilified.

Big hugs OP

I asked him to ask her if I should go - after being blanked at a couple of parties I said try and get her to state her position and we’ll work around it. But of course she didn’t reply to the question because I don’t exist…

I wouldn’t accept this op.
You and dp should organise your own birthday tea or treat for sc going forward. Dp goes on his own!

’Kids you are so lucky! You are having two birthday parties this year a birthday tea with daddy and me, and one with mummy and Daddy is going to pop in as I will be working. Now shall we have chocolate or double chocolate cake for your tea here?’

Don't even give her the satisfaction. I wouldn't take it personally either. She'd probably behave the same with any woman your DP had moved on with. Rise above it. She doesn't deserve your time or efforts.

Get your DP to scrap the joint parties and anything else that's joint. Just do your own thing separately and take the power out of her hands. Yes, she'll probably kick up shit but let her. You can't live in fear of her kicking off. Your DP needs to put some boundaries in place to prevent her affecting your lives so much.

They don’t get on so joint birthday things are madness. Tell him you’re not going anymore and that he should organise separate events. Two parties and two Christmases are some of the few benefits of divorced parents.

DH and his ex don’t get on, they speak as little as possible, they haven’t had joint dos since they split. It’s unnecessary and given the high drama and tension it’s shit and confusing for the kids.

Surely he could sell them having 2 separate parties? Hardly a joint effort if exw has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp the entire time....

The poor kids. At the very least she could just be civil. You don't have to be best friends.
I think the only way forward is either to not attend and just do separate parties or attend and perhaps your husband having a bit more guts to tell her not to treat you like you don't exist as you're a part of the children's lives.
I think a lot of high conflict exes feel threatened by step mums, I think there's the innate fear that somehow the kids will prefer step mum to mum.
Whatever her problem is... she's rude.

i hope I can persuade DP to swing 2 parties. The kids will want everyone there tho and because they are bright they’ll ask why there aren’t joint parties anymore, and who fell out and why. They don’t need this stress. I think perhaps I have to continue going to these events and keep my happy face on. It’s just a few hours per year really (with many more hours/days of worry but it’s my job to manage my anxiety I guess).

It’s up to you but I would never tolerate that level of disrespect. When I say parties. I mean cake and presents, party tea - not a whole Kids party.
Dh can just tell them all is well, SM is just busy this year on the party day which is why we are having two!

The children should not be exposed to such bad feeling and tension on their birthdays op, with their mother walking out. Stop going.

Ofgs! Your idiot of a dp doesn’t have to agree to 2 parties, he only has to worry about ONE!

if he says it’s better to have parties thrown by him (with you a part of it) then his exw can manage the party she wants, however she wants it, inviting whoever she wants to and snubbing whoever she wants to…. But just that it’s not you this time, you’re giving someone else a turn at the filthy looks

let her be offended, let her huff and puff about the cost, but then perhaps the penny will drop that she’s so much of a bitch to you that you’re not allowing yourself to be treated like this anymore and that her appalling treatment of you is going to cost her money

It’s a very hard balance but I’d keep going; how old are the kids? The parties won’t last forever and then you can do separate birthday activities. I’m surprised the kids are oblivious to the tension though and doubtful that they don’t know the real reason why you might not go to a party or why their mum leaves early.

I wouldn’t go

And plan you’re own thing with your dp and Sc

Could you go but tell the kids that you can't stay for the whole party then you can leave before the exw does. You can say it's so you can get something organised- dinner, beds , food for the next day or an extra treat. Or just so their Mum and Dad can enjoy their time with them. That way the kids have you there but they don't have to see their Mum leaving early.