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Preteen hell

6 replies

Cher90210 · 15/09/2023 00:09

Late night because I can't sleep.
I have friends with kids and they're all going through or have been through hell with their preteens and teens. I know it's normal.
But how do you deal with the difference between it being your bio child and step.
My 12 DSD has been awful for about 18 months now. Our family, friends, her dad, and her mum (we get on well) all see it and it's awful.
But I get it the worst. And with her mum and dad, she respects them and what they say. She gets grumpy if they say no or something but she gets over it etc.
I just get ignored, it's like I'm not here or I get shouted at etc and then she'll stay in a mood with me until she wants something from me.

So that's where I get in trouble because yes I'm stubborn and I try and be the adult, kill her with kindness etc but it gets to me so badly. I quite often cry or wish I could just move out when she's here. And that makes me feel guilty because when she does decide to get angry with me she probably also wants to move out. We all did it as kids! But with your parent that's normal right but with a step you get this guilt. But most of the time she just acts like I don't exist so I don't think she feels like that often which is good. But I'm so tired of being on eggshells all the time. I never know what I'm going to get. Which again is normal for parents with preteens/teens but parents can do something about it. And they know deep down the kid doesn't really hate you.

But she's just horrid and uses her dad and myself.

By the way, also have a 15DSS and he is wonderful. He also went through a messy preteen phase but he always respected me and what I said. He always addressed both me and his dad. We'd obviously fall out but we always made up.

So anyway what do I do?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
MeridianB · 15/09/2023 08:01

I just get ignored, it's like I'm not here or I get shouted at etc and then she'll stay in a mood with me until she wants something from me.

This is totally unacceptable. She should not be ignoring or shouting at anyone and your DH needs to have zero tolerance for this. He wouldn't be happy about her ignoring him, or her teachers. It needs to stop.

And if she wants something from you, it should happen once there is consistent improvement. You don't need to be mean about it but just gently say you're busy and she needs to ask her dad.

Crucially, I'd step right back. She should be having plenty of 1:1 time with her dad anyway but now more than ever, let him parent her. You can still be nice - cook her favourite food when she comes - but just be out more, busy more, with DSS more if he needs lifts etc.

It will give you a chance to have some peace and reset, and also remove her audience.

aSofaNearYou · 15/09/2023 08:07

Personally I would disengage - I'd talk to her nicely when she decided to speak to me nicely, but otherwise I'd just avoid her as much as possible - read a book when she's there, just switch off from paying attention to her and her behaviour. You probably can't affect the behaviour but you can change how much it gets to you.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 15/09/2023 09:18

Yes definitely disengage! Doesn't mean you have to be mean and cold, just don't put yourself out making an effort to be kind if she is going to be rude /or aggressive back and ignore you.

Make other plans, see friends, or if you can't get out the house, read a book, take a bath, go for a walk, have a nap but just make it clear you're not going to keep trying. 'Kill em with kindness' is all well and good in lots of situations but sometimes for step-parents it makes it worse. I know it sounds strange but I would let her initiate all conversations and interactions from now on.

Just brace yourself OP some people will tell you that you somehow can't have hurt feelings as a SP and that she's 'just a kid', but rejection and rude behaviour is hard to deal with. Even if you understand the reasons behind it and make allowances for the situation, it still hurts. For some reason step-parents are often seen as not allowed to have normal feelings.

I've been through this with my own DSD and I learnt to just read the room. If she was friendly, I stayed but if she was pulling faces, picking fault (constant petty little things) and giving me evils for no reason, I just walked off and spent time with my mum, went for a walk etc. Your SD needs to see that you're not her emotional punch bag and you have a life of your own that has nothing to do with her. Don't engage in the 'please like me ' dance. Of course you can still be kind to her, but just don't initiate anything and don't chase her. Also maybe don't let her see you cry - it might just give her a sense of power that she knows she can do that to you.

I also went through the same thing of wishing I could move but it was actually my house, so it made things touch and go between myself and partner for a while. Wasn't sure if I could handle it, however thankfully we got through it and things between me and her are much better now. Once she saw that I was no longer trying so hard, she started to seek me out herself and we have had some good chats and even laughs together. What a rollercoaster! Good luck OP.

sundaymorningbliss · 15/09/2023 12:38

aSofaNearYou · 15/09/2023 08:07

Personally I would disengage - I'd talk to her nicely when she decided to speak to me nicely, but otherwise I'd just avoid her as much as possible - read a book when she's there, just switch off from paying attention to her and her behaviour. You probably can't affect the behaviour but you can change how much it gets to you.

I second this. Disengage. Let them have 1:1 as much as possible.
I have done exactly this with DSD11. Reading books, browsing online or going out.
She was picking up on it and asking

  • do you ever do anything else apart from reading and sitting on the sofa? (And I do a lot!)
  • where are you going again?
  • oh again?? Where have you been so long!

She is actually angry that I don't spend time with her any more. But hey, what did she expect?

If she does something annoying just to get my reaction I smile and walk away happy or pretend I didn't hear it/ didn't see it. It is doing her head in.

The difference is, I'm not a part of the game any longer, I'm moving out. I'm done, had enough. Feel like OW when she is here, like an inconvenience in my own home (except of course when she wants me to do or buy something for her). DP tried speaking to her but she ignores him and I'm told oh well I have to put up with it.

Neverenoughfor · 15/09/2023 15:44

This sounds like my situation. I am trying to disengage but I’ve been there from a baby and I have no control I’ve only been a baby sitter and cash machine for years.
dh buries head in sand and panders to her and blanks it out when she being rude to me or sniping for reaction.
I feel like the other woman also in my own home on eggshells. She does what she wants at home and dh ignores her bad behaviour here.

fairyfluf · 16/09/2023 07:57

aSofaNearYou · 15/09/2023 08:07

Personally I would disengage - I'd talk to her nicely when she decided to speak to me nicely, but otherwise I'd just avoid her as much as possible - read a book when she's there, just switch off from paying attention to her and her behaviour. You probably can't affect the behaviour but you can change how much it gets to you.

This. And feel free to go out and do things for yourself to get out of the environment- it sounds horrible to be stuck in that atmosphere

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