Do I really want this?

[ParisMum001]

I'm pregnant and no children of my own. My DP have been together 2 years, we don't live together but have been looking for a place.

4 months ago his DS 11 started staying with him one week on one week off. It was fine to begin with, but I noticed that his behaviour changed when his son was around. Understandably, he occupied by his son, I feel he does a little too much for him (everything), but he's distracted and telling him what to do most of the time. As with any child, his needs and wants shape our day (what we can and can't eat, when, what we can do with an 11 yr old and for how long (before he starts complaining and we have to come home).

My DP is kind, supportive, reliable, qualities I haven't felt in the past, and he adores me. I'm very lucky, however he's very traditional, is used to having quite a mundane life. I've always been creative, doing lots of fun and interesting things, living in different countries, exploring new places, I love the outdoors, dancing, yoga, listening to music, having fun, being free!

Generally his son is perfectly fine, never rude, but isn't very interested in connecting. He plays video games, reads comics, plays with lego, he's really no problem, although I do think he may be slightly on the spectrum as he doesn't have many friends or interests and only really talks in facts and can't really have a conversation.

I've always liked to experience new things, or just feel freedom and adventure every once in a while, but I'm finding we do nothing except watch TV. On the weekends without DS, we don't do much unless I organise it, I've found myself getting quite depressed, losing interest in the things I know I need to do to keep my spirits up, like seeing friends and going to the gym.

I think part of it is my partners fault, I think he likes to do less, but also the situation is that when DS is with us, we don't much. I just feel like I'm waiting around, keeping myself semi occupied while being there between their activities and then it's the end of the day. I feel like a babysitter who isn't being paid.

We've been looking for a new place to move in together properly, but we haven't been able to find an affordable 3 bed and as I work from home and it's causing stress to explain that I can't live in a 2 bed, work in the living room when his son will come back between 2 - 4pm each day. Right now we're staying together and I'm having to work on a tiny desk in the bedroom.

I know a lot of this is due to being pregnant. I think you really question all of this as part of the process. I'm booked in for an abortion next week as I don't think I can bring a child into this situation as I feel so unsatisfied and unhappy.

I have no doubt I would be a good mother, and that of course being a mother will bring restrictions to the things I can do, but I do believe it is possible to live creatively with a child.

I know we can bring excitement and have responsibility for our own happiness but I'm not sure I can be happy in this set up. It feels limiting and so very, very boring, like I'm wasting my life.

I realise I may sound very privileged and selfish, especially to those of have children, but the thing is, I do have a choice. I don't have to have children, and I feel it's really selling myself short if I end up just waiting around for children, never being able to do things that make me happy or keep me sane.

Please again forgive some of this messaging, I don't think I would have spoken in these terms if I wasn't pregnant, I used to be much more forgiving and patient. I feel like I'm fighting for myself and my child, and maybe that's natural at this point.

I'd appreciate your advice, thoughts or examples of where this has and hasnt worked

Well I think this is your gut instinct warning you that this isn’t the set up for you

I predict you will ignore it though and carry on regardless making your life a misery in the process

The only thing in your favour is that once you have a baby you will also be bound to the house and the routines and demands of your baby - in that sense you will truly understand your husbands approach to his son

You say his son maybe on the spectrum - Is your partner? It is strongly genetic so be aware of that fact too

Hey, I read your message with a sense pf concern that you were about to say you felt trapped into a life you don’t want. I would say I would be doing exactly as you are doing next week; namely having an abortion. The practicalities of having a baby are not yet addressed and will add so much stress to your life (namely your living arrangements and work blending together). The situation with your partner sounds like you need to talk through what each of you want from your relationship and also need to incorporate a better stepson inclusive approach to enriching your lives too.

You sound wise to be concerned about the set up and bringing a child into a home that sounds quite unhappy.

I think you need to reassess the relationship doing nothing but watching tv because your DSS isn’t around is rude, tedious and BORING!!!

I’m a step mum and the kids are lovely but honestly I wouldn’t do it if I had my time again there is no benefits to being a step mum just all the bad bits of parenting.

If you don’t have the abortion and have family support I’d highly recommend staying in our own place as is often said on MN blended families rarely work

I think you are right that you would feel trapped in that life and it is not ideal for you. With that in mind I think you are making the right decision, or if you did have the baby, going solo and approaching being a mother in your own adventurous style (I know a couple of women who have done this) would probably better for you. I think it's good that you've realised how much you'd be giving up by staying with this man, before it's too late.

50% of your time is a huge amount to give over to rearing someone else's child, and it sounds like you're not even that happy the rest of the time.

You’re so different than DP, that’s the problem you have and it seems you just realised because of DSS situation

to me, your DP sounds like a lovely dad; don’t mean that be rude but you sound so judgemental and so uncomfortable with so many things

do what’s best for you, not point being part of a family that really doesn’t suit you , you ll make them both so unhappy too

It's difficult because you are pregnant before you have lived together (if I have read that right). You may find that you are not compatible on a cohabiting basis.

Sorry posted too soon.

It sounds like a very difficult situation and I hope things all work out for the best.

I would reassess the relationship... you don't sound happy. You appear incompatible in terms of interests and adding a baby to that mix is not going to help. It sounds as though your partner doesn't have much space for you in his life as your needs and interests are going unheard.

Given you cannot afford a 3 bed, what is the plan for the baby when it needs it's own room?

You could of course end the relationship - or continue but not live together - and keep the baby. But that depends on where you want to go in life. Plenty of mothers are creative with a baby in tow!

It sounds like you have a plan in mind. Provided that it is a plan from the heart and not just an overrationalised practical one which you are now questioning... then go with it!

You don't want this. It comes through very clearly in your post.

Do what you need to do to get out of this situation and focus on living the life YOU want to live.

The OP has booked a termination.

OP, listen to yourself. You don’t want this situation. Do what you need to and look after yourself.

I think you are being very clear-headed to look at situation that isn't working for you and to take action to change that.

I wish you the best of luck.

to me, your DP sounds like a lovely dad; don’t mean that be rude but you sound so judgemental and so uncomfortable with so many things

It is incredibly frustrating to be around somebody who does absolutely everything for a child as old as 11. It may not make them a terrible parent but it isn't a mark of a good one, either.

I believe you are doing the right thing OP and have made a terribly difficult decision.
It sounds like you and your DP are very different people and I would guess those differences will become more apparant overtime. Sounds likes its time to reassess the relationship.

You sound fundamentally incompatible with your partner. Neither of you are unreasonable to have your preferences but dating a man with a child will inevitably mean that you have to compromise. For example you couldn't pop baby in a sling and travel for a month during maternity leave because you can't abandon the stepchild for that long.

I think that you are being so harsh on your partner's son but I'll assume that you don't know any 11 year old boys. He sounds very normal not wanting to connect with his dad's girlfriend. Have you considered the fact that autism is genetic and your partner could pass on the genes to your child? I'm not saying this to be disabilist but considering your attitudes towards his son, it's worth considering.

I don't think the child is anything to do with it really. You and DP just aren't compatible. Even without the child you still want very different things from life.

My DP has 3 kids, I have none of my own. We have his kids 50% and I do enjoy the time we have with them. I've never felt like I'm missing out on anything in life. When we don't have the kids we do lots of fun stuff together. Go camping, hiking, music festivals, weekends away, holidays.

Even with the kids there we still manage to have our own hobbies. We just need to work together and schedule around the kids. DH plays football, I go to the gym and CrossFit.

Of course we'd have a bit more freedom if we didn't have the kids but to be honest I enjoy the balance. It's good that every other weekend we have to stay in. It means we enjoy our kid free weekends even more.

I think you're right and you're doing the right thing.

Wholeheartedly agree with this:

I don't think the child is anything to do with it really. You and DP just aren't compatible. Even without the child you still want very different things from life.

And also this:

It is incredibly frustrating to be around somebody who does absolutely everything for a child as old as 11. It may not make them a terrible parent but it isn't a mark of a good one, either.

I have 3DC and 2DSC, DP and I have an 11yo each and we absolutely do not do everything for them! And while yes of course life is limited in many many ways with children and we are restricted in that sense, the children work around us to a degree as well. The children’s needs come first, then the adult’s needs, then everybody’s wants are equally balanced and given equal consideration. It’s a juggle but nobody feels like they’re coming last because we’re a family and that means we all deserve to have a say in the running of life.
OP this doesn’t sound like what you want from your life and I think you’re being very sensible and level-headed to be looking at that clearly and evaluating whether or not this set-up is for you. I don’t think anyone’s in the wrong here, you’re just at different points and want different things and that’s ok. I hope you find the way forward that’s right for you.

This is nothing to do with his child.

You guys are fundamentally different.

he's very traditional, is used to having quite a mundane life. I've always been creative, doing lots of fun and interesting things, living in different countries, exploring new places, I love the outdoors, dancing, yoga, listening to music, having fun, being free!

I've always liked to experience new things, or just feel freedom and adventure every once in a while, but I'm finding we do nothing except watch TV. On the weekends without DS, we don't do much unless I organise it

I was married before meeting my now-partner. We didn't have children together and I left for the exact issues you have outlined with your partner, I wanted to live my life one way (in the way you want to live yours) and he wanted it another way which was just staying at home all the time. I became seriously depressed and I didn't like who I was becoming as a person because I wasn't happy in myself or my life. So I left and eventually met DP who had two kids already and we have them full time. It's fucking hard being a step-parent but the silver lining for me is that I am now with someone who wants the same things out of life as me and we try our best to do that with kids in tow. It's very possible to have an adventurous life with children, but your partner obviously isn't the one to be doing that with.

On the autism point - Yes, I'm aware that it is genetic, however there is a certain epigenetic (environmental) factor, that triggers milder autistic traits. I think his son grew up in an environment where he didn't get a lot of emotional connection, which perhaps has triggered his autism leanings.

My DP has autistic tendencies, but they could also be because he's been surrounded by other emotionally stunted people. I guess it doesn't matter as the result is the same, however he knows he's not great at connecting emotionally when things get hard for me. I share my emotions and try to do it in a way that takes responsibility for my experience and is an invitation for him to share his experience. More often than not he goes into a kind of freeze state and shows nothing. TBH that's been my experience for the past 2 months while we go through this.

It's something I've pointed out and he accepts he needs to work on it.... but can he get there? It's will continue to be a lonely experience for me if everytime there's an issue he gets overwhelmed and shuts down..... if I'm wrong and he's just a bit autistic, can he really learn to connect, or just learn to mimic the actions of someone who can connect and support at these times. If so it will always feel hollow :(

Thanks so much for signposting towards other blended family threads, it's useful to see others experiences, and your own. you are not the first woman I've seen to say they wouldn't enter into it again x

I'm am different from DP, he's much more settled and calm and responsible. He is a good Dad, but for his own reasons he admits he has been too keen to do absolutely everything for DSS, and there isn't much time for me. That sounds selfish but I don't think it's unreasonable to recognise that you feel alone and sidelined due to his parenting style. I'm not sure its an inevitable experience of being a non parent in this family. He said this morning that he's trying to change the way he parents, that and wants to give DSS more independence and teach him to do things for himself (like set the table and serve his own cereal), getting less on his case for tidying his room, because honestly being in that environment, where your partner seems to be moaning and ordering the kid around all the time also makes the vibe uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to sound judgemental, I think it's just being in this position, and maybe it's just I have zero in common with an 11yo and he is not the kind of funny or loving or cute kid I've known in the past, but that could be because I am his Dads girlfriend. Either way, I've never been with a child where I don't connect and have fun. I was with 9 other kids on a holiday with him last year and I got on with all of the other kids and they were sweet and interested in me, again, is that just because of my position? Maybe but he also doesn't get on well with other kids. He's considered a little competitive and odd, so it's hard, but I do have sympathy for him, poor kid.

I agree, I don't want to make both of them unhappy, as they are pretty content by themselves, it's just me that has an issue with their rhythm and that's not fair.

Yes, I agree, only he's promising he wants to support. more adventurous lifestyle and wants me to be happy. It's so hard. If the promises where guaranteed to solve things that would be one thing, but it's a risk. People can change but people also say anything in desperation to avoid the end of a relationship. He's a people pleaser and it's just so hard to know whether we could have more fun and change the way we live 🤷‍♀️

I disagree about DDS, thought I completely understand it's a difficult situation Is it possible for people to change? Or compliment each other?

Thanks for this. I'm so glad you found more satisfaction in your new relationship x