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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How much contact is normal - partner and ex boyf ref 3 yr old

21 replies

steve4059 · 12/09/2023 10:27

Morning, just wondering if I am being a bunny boiler as this is really starting to bother me now:
My partner and i have been together for around a year and she has a three year old daughter who lives with us and goes back to the dad every other weekend. My kids are in Uni and live with their mother so not a problem.
I wholeheartedly believe that her three year old should have a really good relationship with her dad and do everything i can to support that and only say positive things about him to her etc (unlike what he says about me to his daughter but that's a separate issue).

However, my partner thinks he should be updated almost constantly on what's going on with this daughter, photo's before nursery, photo's after nursery. Every day. Is this normal? I have mentioned it's frustrating me as every time i walk past her phone his name is there flashing up. It's like he's living here with us virtually. I have suggested they have set times for calls and updates but this has been flat rejected as a proposal.

Are my feelings normal or am I too sensitive?

Thanks!

OP posts:

Laurdo · 12/09/2023 10:43

It's great that she seems to have a good relationship with her ex, at least enough that she is happy to send him these updates. I do however think the amount of contact is excessive. My DSD lives with my DH and I 50% and I do the school run. I don't feel the need to send him before and after photos every day, and I'm married to him. I would be upset in your position. It's as though she hasn't really moved on.

Maybe one facetime through the week would be enough. He doesn't need a blow by blow account of every move she makes. If he's so keen to be involved maybe he should increase his time with her to more than just EOWE.

I'd also find it offensive that she's so friendly and accommodating with someone who slags you off. I certainly wouldn't be in daily contact with someone who was so disrespectful to my DH. My DSDs mum has made negative comments about me before and my DH immediately shuts her down. Their relationship is the exact opposite in that contact is minimal and only when necessary. That's not ideal either but the way it has to be. You need to strike up a happy medium.

aSofaNearYou · 12/09/2023 11:07

I don't think YABU, this sounds excessive and she may need to compromise if she wants to be in a romantic relationship. Even if she wants to send daily updates, she should do it during her downtime/whilst taking a dump etc, it's taking the piss to be constantly messaging him during your time together.

She sounds unwilling to make space for a partner in her life and have regard for their feelings.

ThingyThings · 12/09/2023 11:38

Something about this sounds controlling. Let your partner handle this in the way she thinks is best. Everyone is different.

If she wanted to be with her ex she would. If the messages are about the daughter then it is fine in my opinion. It sounds like you're a bit jealous, which is understandable, but it's really over nothing. She will start to resent you if you're telling her who she can text when, and quite rightly so. Be the bigger person, put the slagging off behind you etc. It is best when coparents have a good relationship together rather than a toxic one. Don't try to drive a wedge between them. Find a way to accept it and be secure in the strength of your relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 12/09/2023 13:52

ThingyThings · 12/09/2023 11:38

Something about this sounds controlling. Let your partner handle this in the way she thinks is best. Everyone is different.

I think something about this response is very "it's my way or the high way". Nobody is obliged to accept their partner texting their ex constantly, even if it is about their child. Yes she can do it if she wants, but it's likely to come at the expense of a successful new relationship, because this would be too much for a lot of people.

SandyY2K · 12/09/2023 22:12

However, my partner thinks he should be updated almost constantly on what's going on with this daughter, photo's before nursery, photo's after nursery. Every day. Is this normal?

Photos EVERY DAY is absolutely unnecessary. What next.. is she going to tell him every time the kid goes to the toilet!

Who even takes photos every day like this...it mundane.

Original poster

steve4059 · 13/09/2023 12:39

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, it doesn't look like I am being unreasonable not putting up with this. Tried talking to her and it always turns into a major battle. Where i can text my kids directly as they are both adults she says as long as I can do that she will be in constant contact with the dad as her 3 year old can't text him. Fighting a losing battle here clearly. Oh well.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 13/09/2023 13:01

I don’t blame you for feeling fed up about this. It’s very OTT and I’m afraid she doesn’t sound ready for a relationship.

Laurdo · 13/09/2023 14:00

What exactly does she thinks going to happen if he doesn't hear a blow by blow account of her DD's day? Do you speak to your kids every day?

Skogrammy · 13/09/2023 14:58

It’s excessive and I wouldn’t put up with it.

My partner only messaged his ex about once a year and she messages him maybe once a month… that’s it.

Original poster

steve4059 · 13/09/2023 16:06

Her response is she wants him to be part of her life. He lives about 2 hours away so is obviously excluded from nursery drop off's and pick ups so she says she's trying to included him as much as poss to maintain the connection - it was her that left him so there's obviously guilt there for breaking up the family life they had.

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/09/2023 16:09

It's also really intrusive, how is her X supposed to enjoy his life with his DC if he has to constantly send photos to his ex?!

Babyghirl · 13/09/2023 23:08

@steve4059
Yanbu, that would grind on me, no she doesn't need to be texting the ex everyday at all, I would have a Frank conversation with her, if she wants to send pics or up dates it can all be done on say a Friday when school week is over, like here's updates for the week and pics and leave it at that till the following week, but it sounds like she's not over the ex at all.

thunderlump · 14/09/2023 00:02

I think there's some co-parenting type apps out there where you can share photos etc. why don't you suggest that? That way, she can update as much as she likes but he isn't getting bombarded with messages.

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 07:03

I think it's great. If she was sending pictures of herself, I would be worried. Their kid? Not at all.

sundaymorningbliss · 14/09/2023 07:38

I wouldn't put up it it either. Way too much. If he wants to be in DSD life more, he can move closer and see her more. At 3yo she will be able to talk to him on face time, and even if she wasn't, there is no need to document every hour of her life for him.

To me it sounds like your DP is struggling to let the previous relationship go and excessive contact with ex is a way to somehow still being there one way or another.

Unsess it is your DP who moved the child 2hrs away from the other parent? If that's the case then she may be doing it out of guilt.

MeridianB · 14/09/2023 07:57

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/09/2023 16:09

It's also really intrusive, how is her X supposed to enjoy his life with his DC if he has to constantly send photos to his ex?!

Yes - on the other end of this is possibly her ex's new partner thinking why on earth is this woman constantly messaging?

Does she message everyone all the time or is it just the ex?

Original poster

steve4059 · 14/09/2023 19:07

MeridianB · 14/09/2023 07:57

Yes - on the other end of this is possibly her ex's new partner thinking why on earth is this woman constantly messaging?

Does she message everyone all the time or is it just the ex?

Show quote history

she isn’t from the Uk so does message her friends and family which is fine but I’d say she messages him a lot more than anyone else

OP posts:

Appleontherocks · 15/09/2023 08:10

Yes it's perfectly normal. Healthy in fact. This tells you that if you split up as co-parents, her investment in keeping you in the child's life would be great.

Other people will say that your failure to be a good partner means you pay by missing out on your child's life.

You've got the better partner. Be a little bit more secure and think of the bigger picture. Don't be ruled by fear of loss and ego.

fairyfluf · 16/09/2023 08:03

It sounds a lot to me. But given the child is only 3 and you've been dating a year perhaps it's all a bit soon for your girlfriend? Maybe cool it off a bit and go back to dating or just leave and let her find her feet.

fairyfluf · 16/09/2023 08:04

steve4059 · 13/09/2023 16:06

Having read this I definitely think she needs more time to get her self sorted on her own before she moves on to another relationship

Bannannaa · 17/09/2023 10:27

I will admit that I am sometimes bothered by the level of contact SDC parent has with the kids/my DP at times. 4 hours after we collect them she will call or message, on all DP’s contact days she’s calling and videoing. Even before school! If she goes on holiday it’s even more frequent.

When we were on holiday with the DC it felt like she was on holiday with us… it drives my DP mad though and he doesn’t pander to all of it.

Texting ‘are the kids ok’ every 5 mins is irritating and sometimes he will send photos but if we are busy he does not pick up. He doesn’t contact her when the kids are with her as he respects her time with them. I think this is different though, your ex is offering all this contact so I think it’s a dynamic you can’t really change or influence. If it’s all child related and no personal chat otherwise then try not to let it get to you. You can only have your own boundaries and if this is yours, then that’s ok too. I think it’s somewhat extreme here but it may taper off once the child is older.

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