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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU

15 replies

frolgom · 08/09/2023 09:03

I have five SC aged 25 to 32. I have one DS who is still a child.

My DS goes to his dads EOW. The majority of parenting is my responsibility. On the weekend DS is not here, my DP always wants to spend the weekend with 1 SD. The other SC we do see occasionally when they are not busy with their own lives. It is like a child arrangement swapping over children every weekend, only in this instance we are talking about an adult. We also have to include her in any plans when my DS is also home.

My DP has just informed me that he has arranged for SD to stay over for the weekend. She only lives down the road. We had made plans already, which now have to be altered

My DS has not been to his dads for four weeks. This means me and my DP have not had any time as a couple for sometime. DS is not going to his dads for another four weeks after this weekend. Dad always messes with the routine. Next time my DS is at dads my DP is working away for the weekend. This means we have no time as a couple for the foreseeable.

Every time my DS is at dads SD is on the phone a week before asking what the plans are. Plans always include going out drinking all paid for by us. The last weekend my DS was at dads, I was really annoyed. I had worked an 11 hour shift and both DP and SD had finished half day. As soon as I finish work I was told that they had arranged to go to the pub and we had to leave straight away. I had no time to wash, dress or eat. Neither of them considered I just need to 5 minutes breathing space after a long shift. This seems to be how these plans always work.

Whenever SD is about, it is all about her wants and needs. The weekends have to revolve around what she wants to do, how she is feeling, what she’s thinking. It is like no one else matters.

I have very little time to myself with working, parenting, looking after the house etc. Sometimes I would like the opportunity to have a little bit of time and space to myself or with me and DP as a couple, but this never seems to materialise. On occasions when I’ve tried to discuss it, it always ends in a row.

I know that the stepparent bashers are going to be out in force with this one. I am looking for genuine advice rather than being put down as a bad stepparent. I am asking AIBU for thinking that weekends should not be all about another adult and their wants and needs, even though they are my DPs adult child.

OP posts:

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FallingStar21 · 08/09/2023 09:37

You're not unreasonable in the slightest. Your SD enjoys mooching free drinks and constant attention off her father and he is more than happy to facilitate that. The "staying over" is also ridiculous if she lives nearby. Can't imagine many 25+ year olds spending so much time with their parent, does she ever go out with friends or do any independent 'adult' things?
You've every right to be annoyed. Unfortunately it sounds like you've already asked your DH for more time as a couple and he's ignored it. I think you need to have a very serious conversation about this with him, he needs to understand your needs and feelings and how it's impacting your marriage.
There are some things that you can change too. The example with the pub you gave, you could have just said no, I'm tired after my 11 hour shift and want to rest/eat whatever. You don't need to be joining them every time. Just leave them to it and do your own things.

Mumof4plusbonus · 08/09/2023 09:40

I think rather than framing it as not wanting dsd around it’s more you want time just the 2 of you. So time without either of your children. And that’s fair enough. But it seems your oh doesn’t want it. I would be asking him why.
Why can’t he go drinking (or whatever) with his dd while you have your son? Or go without you when you don’t? I know that doesn’t solve the problem of time alone, but if he did this outside your child free time then maybe that would be better. You can’t stop him spending his time with her rather than you (though why bother staying if he doesn’t want to spend time with you) but you do have control over how you spend your time, so let them get on with it without you.
Yanbu

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2023 09:43

Why did you go to the pub? I’d have said I was getting in the shower then eating and watching tv. I certainly wouldn’t have let anyone try to rush me out of the door.

What’s his reaction if you decline his plans and do your own thing instead?

Lack of couple time is an issue that needs tackling but you being bullied into weekend plans not of your choosing is a different one and surely you can say no and leave them to it while resting, seeing other people, whatever you fancy.

GKD · 08/09/2023 09:48

Is this a step parenting issue?

I’d be more concerned that DH doesn’t seem to crave spending/carving out relationship time - why not?

I agree PP, why did you go pub? I’d have waved them off.

Original poster

frolgom · 08/09/2023 10:09

In regard to the pub. You are all right. I should have said no. I was caught on the hop. Also my DP has said many times that when she wants to do stuff he needs me to go as he needs her to understand he has a wife and it's not all about her anymore. I have often said just go alone but this is his response every time.

I would say it's a both of them problem. I know for a fact he told her last week that we had plans this weekend and wouldn't be about. She called yesterday saying she was feeling down and depressed. On the rare occasion he says no she always suddenly becomes down and depressed. He goes into panic mode and gives in.

I have got to the point where I dread the weekends my DS is not here as it is always some drama or other.

OP posts:

Mumof4plusbonus · 08/09/2023 10:16

frolgom · 08/09/2023 10:09

I have got to the point where I dread the weekends my DS is not here as it is always some drama or other.

He does not need you to go, and he’s the one who needs to understand he has a wife. Can you keep your plans this weekend? Let him change his if he likes. You need to rein this in or the resentment will build fast.

Original poster

frolgom · 08/09/2023 10:18

The plans are unfortunately prebooked tickets for two things as a couple. Really wouldn't want to go alone.

OP posts:

Mumof4plusbonus · 08/09/2023 10:32

And did he discuss changing the plans with you or was it just his decision? Obviously if he has real concerns for his daughters well being then that’s one thing, but this sounds like a longer term issue. Plus I don’t think going drinking is a good idea if her mental health is bad.
You need to speak to him regardless if it turns into a row. You aren’t asking him not to spend time with his daughter, you are asking him to prioritise some couple time. That’s a very reasonable request surely. You also need to tell him you won’t be doing everything with him and his daughter as you also need your own downtime.

MeridianB · 08/09/2023 12:46

DP has said many times that when she wants to do stuff he needs me to go as he needs her to understand he has a wife and it's not all about her anymore.

You have a DH problem and you are definitely not being U!

His comment about needing you with them to demonstrate he has other commitments is hypocritical garbage. He’s never saying no to her and rushing to drop tickets/plans with you so he can be with her. He’s doing the exact opposite of what he’s saying.

I think he’s also using you to help parent her.

I’d start with a serious talk with DH. Explain how hurtful it is to dump plans with you and how you’d like your weekends to look.

If he falls to take notice then I’d be saying no to all their plans, doing my own thing, not waiting around for him and reconsidering the point of this relationship.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 12:50

When dh makes plans with dsd make your own plans. Dh needs to see he only has 1 dw. His dd is overstepping imo. Sleepovers as an adult are ridiculous..

SleeplessinSeattle53 · 08/09/2023 13:15

God this is just bizarre. Does she not have a life of her own at 24? And why is your DH enabling her?

FallingStar21 · 08/09/2023 14:56

So the SD is also very manipulative and controlling, to the point of ruining your plans. He is enabling this behaviour, but why?
Has she got any history of self harm or suicide attempts that he is seriously worried she may do something to herself?
To be honest, I'd be inclined to LTB as you've already told him so many times, he seems so careless towards you. His adult daughter has become his life and if that's the choice he wants to take, then he may as well go live with her.
You can try giving him an ultimatum to change, but I'd be very surprised if he does given how he's been so far.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 17:25

Very personal question apologies. Is he using it as an excuse to not have sex?

Babyghirl · 08/09/2023 21:54

@frolgom
He needs you to be there so he can show his daughter it's not all about her he has a eife but cancelling plans with you to enable her childish behaviour, how about sorry I can't this weekend me and the wife have plans and tickets to go out but can do nxt weekend.

Sorry op but I would be putting my foot down, she needs to wake up at 24 and relise the world does not revolve around her and your dh needs to stop letting her think it does.

Noseybookworm · 11/02/2024 17:54

Your problem isn't your SD. It's your husband. If he is unable or unwilling to prioritise time for the two of you as a couple, you will have to decide if you are going to stay in this relationship or not? Maybe telling him that you are considering whether you should stay or not will make him realise he is jeopardising his marriage.

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