Don't know what to do

[Fishonabike68]

Dss 15 is moving in, has been living with mother and adult sibling abroad for many years. He's been having some issues being with his mother (mainly normal teenage problems) and wants to come back to England.

We bought our first house 3 years ago and as dss only visited occasionally we only bought a house with enough rooms for us and our two shared children, boy and girl. Daughter moves out of room when dss 15 comes to stay so we make adjustments (this is weeks at a time or more in holidays).

I'm the only full time worker in the family which means we still get some child tax credits etc, dh is only part time. We might be able to get an extension done from savings which will mean dss will get own space in long term. However, I'm very worried how we are going to manage financially now we have another full time child in the house. Dh is very supportive but with the cost of living crisis things are so tight. Not sure if we'd be better off selling up and getting two different houses or flats. Children would be so upset but I don't see how financially struggling so much would be in their interests either. Help!

Your DH needs to request maintenance from the mother and I'd suggest your DH get a full time job? Is there a financial reason he doesn't work full time? What age are you other kids, can they share a room? Is converting your attic a possibility instead of a full extension?

Due to the travel costs involved in visiting the other country, maintenance hasn't been paid in the last few years. Dh agreed mother could move but we always had to pay for his travel costs to see his children, train fares / flights / hotels. Now it will be mother paying for travel to visit/ him to visit her we don't really want to push for maintenance too much. It's not enforceable I don't think as they're outside the U.K. Also want to avoid conflict with mother.

Don't really want kids to share as ds will be teenage in just a few years, better to start as mean to go on. My dh can't really do regular full time hours due to school pick ups etc and no after school club. He could certainly try to find something more substantial though. Difficult.

What age is your shared son? Could he share with SS until you are in a better position financially to extend? Are you the higher earner, hence why you work FT? Sorry for the Q's, just trying to tease out what options you have. I think living separately would be an awful idea... and realistically your SS could turn around and decide to leave England again very quickly

Why does your husband only work part time?

So sorry I'm tired and I have just re-read.

Not sure I would plan my life around a teenager having difficulties with his mother. I think he will want to go back sooner rather than later!

If he wants to be here then he needs to share and fall in with your routines. Your DH could work round your hours with a second job, bar work for example to help finances.

The obvious solution is for the two boys to share a room. It's not ideal and they probably won't like it, but you can't pull a fourth bedroom out of your arse. Lots of children share; they'll just have to get on with it.

To be fair it's dh's child moving in so he really needs to step up and find ft work. It's hard for a 3 child family with just one parent working ft and the other pt I would think, unless you're on a substantial salary and it doesn't sound as if either of you are. A 15 year old is definitely going to put a dent in your current budget that's for sure.

Op the two boys will have to share.
I don't think I'd be going to the expense of extending for a 15yo who's likely to head off to uni in a few short years, if he doesn't decide the grass isn't greener afterall and moves back with mum.

Whilst it’s not good the two boys can share. Can you make the largest room into two with a wall divider and you move into the second largest?

as to money can your husband find evening or weekend work?

Your husband working full time to support his 3 children would be a somewhat more sensible option to raise finances rather than selling your house to buy two others.

Many (most?) parents work full time with school age kids, and choose the work accordingly to accommodate whatever school pick ups are needed.

I agree with this. And let him know before he makes the final comittment to the move.

Can your DH increase his hours at all? If he requests to start early he can still make it for school pick up.

It's far more costly to run 2 houses than 1.

Youll need to do what millions of households do OP - DH needs to get a full time job and sort childcare, the boys will need to share. Dss is coming knowing that you only have 3 bedrooms, it's preposterous to think he will be expecting a huge financial outlay and massive house remodelling just to accommodate him.

I would be disappointed if this was me in your position. However; do you have a dining room that you could convert into a downstairs bedroom? Alternatively, depending on the age of the children; I would prefer my two shared children to share and give the teenager the room. I'm assuming they are younger and perhaps it would be nicer for them to share than sharing with a Grumpy teenager? I'm not suggesting this as teenager needs own room - purely what would be best for your shared children. If the teenager is grumpy and horrible to your son then that's not nice for him. Make it clear he can only stay if he contributes to the household.
As for your husband; I would suggest he increases his hours. If this means a Saturday or Sunday or evening role then so be it. X

The boys share till there is a proper solution. I can’t believe your daughters been kicked out of her room when he visits normally rather than the boys sharing.

loft conversation or extension since you have the money. Or do you have a separate living room to dining room?

You and dh move into the livingroom and give up your room while an extension is built.

But honestly providing it’s a decent sized room boys share with a divider in the middle seems an easier cheaper answer.

My dh can't really do regular full time hours due to school pick ups etc and no after school club

No childminders?

What’s DH suggesting?

Thanks for everyone's suggestions. Our daughter has always been happy to be out of her room and to bunk in with her brother, they're only two years apart and they've shared when dss has been here previously. However that's not a long term option and daughter obviously needs her own space.

There's not so much an issue with extending our space so much as the extra every day costs of having another child and the emotional costs too - but hopefully the end of any Disney dad behaviour from DH. DH knows he has to get more work now urgently so hopefully we can make this work. Fingers crossed! Will probably be bumps along the way but maybe we can do this and have a happy family.

What’s the time frame on the move? Term starts next week so he’s presumably not coming then, does he have a school place lined up and a date to come to you?

Luckily very supportive parents of dh live relatively close. He'll be staying with them in the week once school starts and should be starting school soon. Getting our house ready asap!

For reasons I don't want to go into, this kind of all got sprung on us, so there was no discussion prior. Mother seems to be happy for now with situation. A lot to deal with but hopefully will work out. I've been in everyone's life for years.