School uniform

[Laurdo]

DSD has just started school. Custody split is 50/50, week on week off but she has one midweek exchange at school. DH asked his ex not to bother washing the uniforms we send DSD in and instead pop it straight in her school bag or hand it back on the Sunday exchange. This is because things tend to go missing when the end up in her washing basket and she has a tendency to turn whites grey. We're constantly having to replace clothes. Last year we didn't get any of her nursery uniform back but she was allowed to attend nursery in normal clothes so it wasn't a massive deal but still annoying because we'd obviously spent money on it. She'd also drop SS16 off at ours on a Sunday to collect washed and ironed uniform from his wardrobe because she had nothing organised.

On Sunday when DH was picking up DSD he asked for the uniform back we'd sent her in on the Friday. She denied having any of our uniform and said we'd sent her in the same uniform as Thursday which was not true. Today I picked DSD up after she's spent the night at her mum's. She had on the uniform from Friday that her mum denied having. The uniform from yesterday wasn't in her bag as requested. To make matters worse the pleats in her skirt have been ironed out. She never seems to iron anything so I don't know if this has been done deliberately. Not a big deal as I can press them in again but irritating all the same.

I'm just so fed up of constantly shelling out for stuff that either doesn't get returned or ends up ruined. I'm not sure if I'm even looking for advice or just to vent.

Has anyone else has similar issues?

She sounds awful OP, your poor DSD, as she gets older her appearance will become
more important to her and her mum is just failing her. She’s putting being petty in front of her child! She sound like a lazy slob tbh. Normally you want your child to look immaculate so the other parent doesn’t judge 😂 Mummy forgot to brush my hair 😢 Poor darling. Does she feed them properly? Is the house clean?

I have no idea about the house but DSD has told us a couple of times that mummy forgot to give her dinner. DH has questioned his ex about it and she denied it and says DSD tells her we don't feed her either. I spoke to a friend who's a social worker and she said all social work would do would go out to mum's and ask her about the things we've alledged. Mum would just deny it and without actual evidence there's not much we can do. They won't just take a 5yo word for it. It's grim and it breaks our hearts.

The things is, she's usually well presented herself, hair, nails and makeup done.

Is there a midweek swap every week? So normal exchange is Sunday but the kids go to the other parent on say Wednesday after school until Thursday? Am I understanding right? If so, BM just isn't going to be easy unfortunately. We have a BM just like her... she sends her tatty uniforms and keeps our good ones. I just go out of my way to make sure that I wash and dry the Tatty stuff and send it back (e.g. if they came in her tat on Wednesday it'd be washed and dried and wore again thursday). That way you only ever lose the one good set and she'll eventually learn you aren't providing for her house anymore. We also kept a record everytime SS was sent in something ill-fitting, so if his trousers are too small we would call her out and request that she acquires clothing to fit SS and ensure he is wearing appropriate sized clothing at all times, and that it is noted that she is now withholding clothing purchased by us that does fit so there are no excuses for I'll fitting stuff. At one point we also sent SS to school in normal clothing and wrote on the school App that unfortunately his mother was withholding all clothing we had purchased including uniform and despite purchasing new items each week we cannot afford to do so anymore. It embarrassed her into handing back 9 school uniforms that weekend!

9 school uniforms! Bloody hell!!! I love that you embarrassed her like that. She absolutely deserved it!

Yes, you've picked up our schedule correctly. It's Sunday to Sunday, we get her every Thursday-Friday and she gets her every Tuesday-wednesday. When we collect her on the Thursday of mum's week we send her to school on the Friday on the uniform she had on the day before. But on our week we only have our uniforms to send her in and her mum doesn't send them back.

My DH already pulled her up on the I'll fitting uniforms. He said "I didn't put all the effort into shopping around for uniforms that actually fit her just for you to keep them and send her in clothes 2 sizes too big."

Ok so on your weeks you send her on a Tuesday in your good uniform, she arrives back Wednesday with BMs? So then the following Tuesday (well 2 weeks later) you send her in BMs uniform then. So that even if BM keeps sending back her own uniform, you've only lost one set. It takes a bit of organising at home, but you'll eventually get there with it.

To be fair to mum if she wants to send her child in shit uniform and iron it badly then that's also her choice? It sounds like a power thing

It's just Mum. Not BM

That sounds like the only approach that might work op

Please don't try to moderate. It's clearly shorthand, and a well used phrase.

@BudgetBuster generally BM would imply the child is adopted it's quite inappropriate in this scenario.

OP can you just not send her back to school in whatever she arrived with you wearing the previous week? That way you only have one set of uniform tied up as it were.

It is a well used term in blended families, why is deemed OK to the likes of DSD but not BM? Stop trying to moderate other posters.

It's not. It's just mum.

And use all you want. Just be aware it's offensive to some.

It is her choice, yes. It's her choice to iron out permanent pleats in a skirt we purchased so that we have to spend the time pressing them all back in. It's also her choice to not return our uniform items. Her choice to wash the white shirts with darks and turn them grey so we have to replace them. Absolutely, all her choice, but we're allowed to get pissed off at her choices. Especially when they affect DSD, or cost us extra money.

Sending her back in mum's uniforms is fine but the thing is it doesn't guarantee she'll send DSD in ours the following week. Stuff seems to go into her washing basket and just loves there for weeks/months. She had the 2 weeks of the Easter holidays (she didn't go away anywhere or anything) to have DSS school stuff all washed and ready for the new term. She still drove him to our house to collect our uniforms because she hadn't washed hers. Sometimes he wears the same shirt for a full week when he's at hers. That's why DH had asked her just to return everything unwashed. It's definitely a power play thing.

That's fine if you choose to be offended.

As harsh as it may seem towards the kids, if they come to get extra uniforms from your house then you & DH need to put your foot down and say no. It's hard on the kids but it's the only way the ex will learn to grow up and take responsibility. It doesn't matter if she doesn't send back your first uniform, just make sure you only ever send hers back and not a second set from your house. SS16 is definitely old enough to tell his own mother if he doesn't have clean clothes at her house, I'm not sure what age your SD is.

At the time we didn't know that's what he was doing until I looked out the window and saw him getting into her car with a handful of coat hangers.

The day before the current term started back DSS had called his mum to ask if he could come and pick up uniform. She questioned why he didn't have any at his dad's. DSS said because I took all the stuff from my dad's to your last term and it's still there. They got into an argument and he ended up hanging up on her. He did end up going and coming back with it. He knows now not to leave it at his mum's and he's been staying with us most of the time anyway so it's not been a problem. He's also planning on leaving school soon so one less set of uniforms to worry about. In her defence at 16 he should be capable of washing his own clothes. He's encouraged to do so at ours but needs prompting and won't do it off his own back. Something we're working on.

DSD is 5 so much too young to get her involved in ensuring the correct uniform goes to the correct house. Hopefully it'll get easier as she gets older. We'd perhaps look at stopping the midweek exchanges. They work for now as it means we can take her to her dance class every week. She also goes to gymnastics but misses every 2nd week because of the schedule. It is what it is. But maybe when she's older we can re-negotiate things so she's still going to her hobbies but doesn't do the midweek overnights.

I truly understand. My SS has a uniform days and tracksuit days (PE days). He arrives in uniform, and goes back in tracksuit so every week my DH has to contact BM and remind her to pack the tracksuit or uniform and every week she throws a hissy fit. She doesn't seem to comprehend that if we kept the uniform, she wouldn't gave any uniforms left and vice versa. I much prefer summer where we usually lose an outfit but religiously wash and dry whatever belongs at her house to wear back. It sucks that it's a 'her house or our house' scenario but like you anything we buy gets destroyed. My SS is 11 now and decides himself what he knows cannot go with him to his mother's for fear of losing it or destroying it. 5 is a very hard age

Aside from uniform DSS doesn't have our house/ mum's house clothes. He has a wardrobe at both house but still brings clothes back and forth. Obviously at his age he likes to pick and choose what he's wearing out with friends etc.

DSD is pretty clued up now that something's are for mum's and some for dad's, but it's hard telling a 5yo that she can't wear her new trainers back to mum's and has to wear the tattie old ones back. We got her a new bike and she wanted to take that to her mum's because her bike at mum's is too small. I really wish we could just let her take it so she had a bike to play on but we'd never get it back in one piece. If we allowed her to take whatever she wanted between houses we'd end up paying for absolutely everything and it would all end up at her mum's.

As I say this will hopefully get better as she gets older and realiseds that if she wants to wear her favourite dress at dad's then she needs to remember to bring it back from mum's etc.

5 is difficult. At 3 she wasn't that fussed what she wore but at 5 she has her own style. She knows what she likes and she likes to pick her own outfits. The fact is all her cool, fancy stuff is at dad's house. It's only natural that she wants to be able to wear it at mums too.

When she arrives on the midweek make sure she's wearing her mums stuff back.?

The SS is old enough to have sorted out his own uniform. Teach him some strategies and how to wash, fold, pack a bag etc
The six years old's uniform going missing would be so annoying.

16yo has now left school as of last week so one less set of uniforms to worry about. He's been shown how to use the washing machine he just doesn't. Full adult training is now underway since he has left school. DH has given him a big lecture about being an adult, getting a job, doing things for himself etc etc. He's moved in with us full time now so it should be easier to get him into the habit of doing things for himself because we can keep on his case. He asked me to teach him how to cook. He can do the basics but wants to learn how to cook properly.