School uniform

[Laurdo]

DSD has just started school. Custody split is 50/50, week on week off but she has one midweek exchange at school. DH asked his ex not to bother washing the uniforms we send DSD in and instead pop it straight in her school bag or hand it back on the Sunday exchange. This is because things tend to go missing when the end up in her washing basket and she has a tendency to turn whites grey. We're constantly having to replace clothes. Last year we didn't get any of her nursery uniform back but she was allowed to attend nursery in normal clothes so it wasn't a massive deal but still annoying because we'd obviously spent money on it. She'd also drop SS16 off at ours on a Sunday to collect washed and ironed uniform from his wardrobe because she had nothing organised.

On Sunday when DH was picking up DSD he asked for the uniform back we'd sent her in on the Friday. She denied having any of our uniform and said we'd sent her in the same uniform as Thursday which was not true. Today I picked DSD up after she's spent the night at her mum's. She had on the uniform from Friday that her mum denied having. The uniform from yesterday wasn't in her bag as requested. To make matters worse the pleats in her skirt have been ironed out. She never seems to iron anything so I don't know if this has been done deliberately. Not a big deal as I can press them in again but irritating all the same.

I'm just so fed up of constantly shelling out for stuff that either doesn't get returned or ends up ruined. I'm not sure if I'm even looking for advice or just to vent.

Has anyone else has similar issues?

Awful suggestion for the kids perspectives but mark your uniform with a dot and take a photograph of each on the labels on all the items of clothing.

No double she will suddenly start cutting labels out. Change her into whatever mums sent her in and keep your clothes at yours. You may have to move collection times to suit this.

Since I get the feeling that this has become your problem to solve with your dh but every time you need to buy something to replace mums missing items. Ask for your dh personal bank details and pay for the items with his money. Every single time.He will think ah no big deal until he notices the money leeching out of his account and keep receipts to prove what your buying.

Also stop fixing issues caused by mum, say to dh ok the pleats are ironed out they will need you ironing them back in or replacing. Moneys on it that your dh will be more motivated to tackle this with mum if he has to do the work he's parcled off for you to do

My exh used to sell anything I sent dc back in. School uniforms were never washed at his house. Shoes missing. PE Kit gone.. I sympathise op. No solution though.

All the stuff we bought her has been stamped with her name so it's clear what stuff is ours.

My post perhaps made it sound like I buy everything and do everything etc but DH is just as involved. We have joint finances so it's not personally me paying for it all. I just worded it that way because personally I am sick of it. So is DH.

He deals with his ex directly. He was on the phone to her last Sunday questioning the whereabouts of the uniform and asking again that she just puts the uniform in DSDs school bag and not wash it. He explained why. He's pulled her up plenty times before but she just lies and denies everything or she hangs up the phone or slams the door on his face when confronted.

DH had taken SD for new school uniform before the end of term because he'd take a stretch. He's 6 foot 2 so he ended up buying menswear so it wasn't cheap.It all ended up at his mother's. Dah has asked him to remember to bring it back but he's a typical teenager and "forgets". He was staying with us when the schools started back this term and told his mum he was coming to pick up his uniform. She questioned why he had no uniform at his dad. SS told her because it all ended up at her before the summer holidays. Again his mother denied having it and SS ended up going back to his mum's and raiding the washing baskets for it.

On mum's week we do send her back in whatever she's been sent in but the following week when we have her we have no choice but to send her in our uniform.

Really it's not that hard just to send her back in the same uniform or pop it in a bag but even this seems to be a struggle.

Ah ok firstly my first post came across v blunt (nothing to do with you) everything to do with dealing with toddler with chicken pox so I apologise for that it wasn't my intent.

Firstly and more importantly- this would drive any sane person demented. Your 100% entitled to be pissed off about it. Your also not alone. This comes up a lot esp with a difficult ex. I have no solutions I can think of but I hope my post with bump yours and a veteran sm might have some more useful advice than me.

Hang on in there and your not going mad. This is hard.

It's infuriating. We learned the hard way never to send her back in anything nice or valuable. On Sundays DH usually baths DSD and puts her in pyjamas before dropping her off. She's always in pyjamas when we pick her up on a Sunday from her mum's. I used to hate sending her to nursery in some of the stuff her mum sent her in as it was often too small, had holes or was just plain ugly. Her school uniform is 2 sizes too big. It's a sin. She looks like a wee bag of washing in it. I hate sending her to school like that but we've no choice because we want to reduce the amount of uniform that ends up at her mum's.

He used to sell his kids clothes ... fml 🤯 who does that ?

Aww what a wee soul. I hope your little one is doing ok.

Don't worry about it. Reading a fair chunk of the posts on here it's quite common for dads to dump this sort of shit onto stepmums so I don't blame you for making at assumption. Haha!

"Riot of a woman!" was DHs war cry from the other room on Sunday night after the ex hung up on him when questioned about the uniform.

We'd also got DSD a little flask so she could take pasta and soup in her packed lunch. That's also gone missing at her mum's. Funnily enough the ex had asked DH that week what DSD was on about because she kept talking about a flask. So we've now decided that DSD will have a school lunch on the days her mum is picking her up so none of her lunch stuff goes missing either. Or she'll get a sandwich wrapped in tinfoil and no lunchbox. She's a picky eater so we generally only let her have a school lunch if we know it's something she'll actually eat.

We're always in 2 minds whether to pull her up for stuff or whether to ignore things because I'm sure a lot of the time she does things to get a reaction.

He also tried to cash in ds's inheritance claiming he would look after it. Obviously solicitor was wise to such shit!
Tried to claim ppi off my bank account!
Suggested ds's car insurance went through his bank and ds handed over ££££. Guess who was driving uninsured?
I could go on!

Over 50% of clothing that went to my childrens dads never came back for years and years. He denied having the clothing and is abusive so not a lot i could do. Couldnt send the kids in rags as it upset them. Our eldest aged 16 has just found out their step mum has made 2 grand selling his clothes on vinted as he saw her account. Its upset him even though ive known for years. Its a really common issue. Just have to accept there are higher costs to clothe a child with a "co parent" like that unfortunately.

Thank fuck he's an ex. Some people have no shame or morals.

Even better - he died last year! The cloud that lifted was beyond belief..

That's shocking! What utter scumbags! I'm sorry your DS ended up hurt by their behaviour but at least he sees them for what they are.

Yeah that's the joys of co-parenting with an asshole, a lot of the time you've just got to suck it up. The amount of times we've had to "rise above it".

It sounds like you're all better off without him.

Thanks. Yes i always try to be the bigger person but wonder if im just being a mug sometimes. My 14 year old still seems to think Dad is great but my 16 year old thinks that him and his wife are idiots because time and time again they behave like idiots and eventually the kids notice.

My 16yo SS is slowly but surely seeing his mum for the asshole she is. I feel like his eyes have been opened recently and he's been spending much more time at ours and is even talking about staying here full time but he gets pressure and guilt trips from his mum. He hasn't quite got the confidence to stand up to her yet. He used to prefer staying at his mum's because there were no boundaries there but I think he's starting to realise that that's not always a good thing.

I think DSD knows her mum's not up to much but she desperately craves her mother's attention and approval. She'll often say things like "my mummy is silly because she always forgets to brush my hair".

Can you speak to the school and explain the situation? They might be able to change the clothing or hold onto lunch boxes until you next collect if they know of the schedule. I work in a school and we've done this in the past only given letters, items to certain parents as the other had a habit of not passing information or objects along.

@Laurdo I think that's one of the saddest things I have read on here about your dsd. I can actually imagine it being said by a child.

Honestly I don't know how much nachoing I would do I'm a situation like yours tbh.
Even if I knew the ex was doing it for attention and to get a rise.
I would probably stick my nose right where it didn't belong and calm her on this shit each time. Because she's harming her child.

But people like this rarely care tbh which is worse

We gave her teacher a letter explaining that DSD goes between houses and included a copy of the pickup/drop off schedule with each of our contact details so the correct parents could be contacted in an emergency etc. We also requested that letters etc go to each house and that we have separate parents evenings.

I always worry about coming across as a bitter stepmum so I do usually get DH to call and explain the situation. But still, we worry about putting extra burden on probably already super busy staff. I'm sure they deal with this sort of thing all the time though so maybe that's an idea that DSD just leaves her stuff at school and I collect it next time. We just hate to cause a fuss but I suppose it's better than constantly having to replace things. I don't know that it would resolve the uniform situation though. It's a lot to ask them to change DSD out and into different clothes I think.

Honestly, the poor teachers must roll their eyes constantly at the petty nonsense that goes on between separated parents.

It's so hard. I adore my DSD and love her like she were my own child. She's such an amazing kid and she deserves so much better than her mum's giving her.

I generally keep out of it in the sense that I'd never personally confront the ex but I do ask DH to pull her up on certain things. She refers to me as the babysitter and says I have no right to give parenting advice since I don't have my own kids. Plus it's his ex, he chose to have a child with her so I think it's his job to deal with her, although he always has my support.

DH has pulled her up on not treating DSDs eczema, not bathing her, leaving her overnight with babysitters every weekend, missing doctors appointments. Nothing he say makes a difference as she simply doesn't care. She never takes any criticism well but it doesn't affect her enough to actually change her behaviour and do better.

Being a teacher myself with a little one, I was worried about causing a fuss at times with LO's teachers, because I myself know that some parents can come across as difficult, until one turned around to me and said you are allowed to cause a fuss because if you don't who will for your child. All it shows is you care, you care that DSD looks presentable arriving at school, that you are providing meals that she enjoys and will eat rather than going for the sometimes easier option of school dinners.
From the sound of DSD being in nursery last school year, she is going into Reception this year, most Reception children are independent enough that they can majority get changed by themselves, if putting more on the staff is a concern. You could always have a spare bag that you take in that could live on her peg, that she knows that on the days she goes to her mums she puts xyz in there until you collect her again. That is a routine she will begin to pick up herself and eventually begin to independently with little prompting from the school staff.
If your DSD was entering my class in September, I wouldn't see you as being bitter stepmum, I would see you as the stepmum who is trying to treat DSD as their own.

@Laurdo all I can say is I think you have hit on the head the hardest part of co parenting.

It's watching a car crash in slow motion while loving the people in the car crash and knowing there's no way to stop it and you couldn't even if you tried. And I know you have tried.

This has got to have come up before, surely there must be some solution. I fear there isn't but hopefully some more ideas will appear.

Thing is with step parenting you cannot care more than both of the parents or you will be seen as overstepping. Really dammed hard.

Struggled with this point myself frankly. Lots of me singing let it goooo. Hopefully when dsd is older she can make more choices.

Thinking laterally - can dss help find dsd clothes ?

I had this with my idiot ex husband. He kept everything, even spoons from packed lunches. I was close to running out of cutlery. School uniforms were a nightmare, I was living to my last penny every month. It was so hard.

I think you're doing the right thing in terms of communicating with the ex via your husband and not putting this issue on the kids. I was tearing my hair out but I'm glad I kept that stuff away from the kids.
Also good that schools these days take your contact details. When I got divorced they wouldn't take my new details because my ex stayed in the house so they said they could only have one set of details on file. It was an actual nightmare.

It's good to hear this from a school teachers perspective. DSD can absolutely get herself dressed. She dresses herself in the morning but sometimes needs a little help with her shirt buttons. I'll speak my DH and see what he thinks about this solution. We could always put shorts and t-shirt on under her uniform so all she needs to do is take the uniform off.

We're always reluctant to pass the burden of co-parenting with an asshole onto the kids and it's sometimes difficult to explain things to her without making her mum sound bad. But DSD seems to understand the concept that some things are for her mum's house and some things are for ours so maybe she wouldn't question it too much.

To be honest, I've never really bothered about being perceived as overstepping. I will always care more than her mum does because DSD deserves that. The way I see it, DSDs mum drops the ball in a lot of areas. Her dad is amazing and she honestly couldn't ask for a better dad, but she needs a mother figure in her life to do the girly stuff with and be what a mum should be. I'm more than happy to step up and be that person for her. DH trusts my judgement completely when it comes to parenting DSD. I've never really had any negative comments from people about how I show up for my DSD, apart from her mum obviously.

DH struggles watching the car crash just as much as I do. And although he has more control in the sense that he deals directly with DSDs mum, the fact that she doesn't really take anything he says on board leaves him in the exactly same position as me.

Asking a teenager who struggles to bring his wash basket downstairs every week to search for his sister's clothes might be a big ask! Haha! We hate dragging him into this whole mess but he knows what his mum's like and has experienced it for himself so maybe it's not a bad idea to ask. He's often left to babysit her at his mum's so perhaps DH could phone an hour ahead and ask him to dig certain missing items out.

What a nightmare. It shouldn't be this difficult.

The weird thing is, she put the 2 hair bobbles and ribbons I had put in DSD hair yesterday back in her bag. Like, wow thanks for the things that cost pennies but could we please have her expensive uniform items back please?

I got her fancy hair accessories made in her school colours and never have them in her hair on the days her mum is picking her up as we'd never get them back. Yesterday I literally cut 2 lengths of ribbon from a £1 reel of ribbon so her hair would still look pretty and with the full expectation that the bits of ribbon wouldn't be returned which I wouldn't be bothered about. And she fucking returns the bits of ribbon. WTF?

Maybe I'm reading too much into it or I always just think the worst when it comes to her but to me, putting the bobbles and ribbon in was like "I heard what you said about putting stuff straight in her bag so heres her bobbles back but you'll have to fight me again on Sunday for her uniform."