DP and I falling apart since getting SKs full time

[Stepmamm]

DP and I have had SKs full time for almost two years now and since then life has felt so miserable. They came to us under pretty traumatic circumstances after being removed from their mum by social services, she no longer has any contact with them (this is her own choice as she is allowed to see them supervised). Initially she had contact unsupervised for a long time but lots of things happened until it was made supervised only earlier this year. DP and I are not married but have a child together.

It has been so so hard since they have come here. Obviously they have been through so much and so they need so much support with everything. The oldest hates people being happy and will try to turn anything positive into a negative and it is so draining. Now my younger stepson is starting to do this also. My partner and I are like shells of our former selves. Life just feels so heavy since getting them because of having to deal with the constant behaviour from the children or issues with their mum (as despite her refusing to see them she is still doing anything she van to hurt DP and I, we are currently awaiting her criminal trial for the most recent stunt).

I don't blame my stepkids at all. They are really hard work to be around and look after but they are kids that have experienced extreme trauma at the hands of their mum and are behaving as any child would.
None of it is their fault, but it doesn't make it any easier. In lots of ways they have come on leaps and bounds in the last two years but in other ways certain parts of behaviour have become worse over time as they have gotten older.

I am starting to ask myself if I should be leaving with our shared child. We have tried our best to shield her from their behaviour but now she is a toddler she is starting to pick up on things. Today I saw her talking to her doll the way that my stepkids talk to each other, the way their mother spoke to them as young children, and it absolutely broke my heart. It broke my heart for them but I don't want my daughter to grow up experiencing that. However I know that me leaving will bring more chaos and change to their lives when our family has been the first semblance of stability they've had in their lives. They adore my daughter and she adores them and through all the difficult behaviour and hard times there is still a lot of love and they share lots of lovely times and moments together, but i don't know if that's enough to counter all the negative behaviours? If I should be raising her in this environment, with two parents who often feel pretty much broken with dealing with it all. If I left I feel like I would be abandoning DP and leaving him to deal with it all himself but I want to do what's best for my own daughter and I'm just not sure what that is.

How much would your SDC see your DD and how much would their behaviour still influence her if you left?

Are there any family members who you could ask for help? Have them for an afternoon occasionally?

Also speak to social services and see if they can support any way? Maybe respite care, holiday clubs etc to give you a break?

As DH is resident parent they may say no but there may be something?

Are the step kids accessing therapy? Sounds like you would all benefit from some family therapy that focuses on strategies and toolkits for living together more successfully. I feel for you Op, it does all sound exhausting.

This all sounds very stressful. I think before making any decision I would want to know that I had fully sort out extra support from school, gp and local charities. Have you lookee at camhs ewferrals?although i appreciate threshold for access to services,is ridiculous. Obviously some things are made easier by access to family support or financial support to mitigate the impact. If you have explored that and still can't get a more workable solution then it will be clearer that you have done what you need. I think counselling for you separately to any family counsellingay be helpful to help think this through.

I think this is essential.

It's a very tough situation OP, I feel sorry for all of you. But you really need ongoing professional support.

I know there are services available, but where I am, Ireland, you would almost certainly have to pay yourself & challenging as that might be, I think it's an absolute priority.

Pp is right - if you leave, your dh can get 50% access then your dc is with the SK half the year without the benefit of you being there to help. I’m not sure that really solves your problem.

I am not sure what the answer is, but I would probably try some of those Supernanny house rules, Family meeting once a week etc. The older dc sound like they are struggling massively with torn loyalties and loss - their mum probably poisoned everything in their minds, and now they can’t allow themselves or anyone to be happy because it feels disloyal, or by misbehaving maybe you’ll get fed up and send dc back to mum or whatever. Those feelings need to be explored - I agree a family therapist might be a good plan, or even if there is an amazing teacher at school willing to be a neutral third party.

Meantime lots of love and firm boundaries. And 1:1 time of your DH with each SK. If your dc is picking up the bad behaviour then try to minimise any unsupervised exposure time to the SK so you can whisk in and remove DC from the situation if the SK are not behaving well.

Can you do family dinner every day - in my house we all help get dinner ready and if someone is behaving badly during the meal they will move to the kitchen to finish their meal (we have a small kitchen table.

I’ve no idea if these bonding ideas would help. I feel for you.

Your family have been through alot.
You may be struggling with some kind of secondary trauma yourself, as you speak about them with clear love and understanding.

I had 2 DSC myself when I was very very young (exH and I had almost 20 years age gap) and both my DSC had NC with their mother who had been abusive and negligent towards them.
Their behaviour was a lot to take on some times, because even though I understood why they behaved the way they did, I didn't understand how to combat it.

That was a long time ago now, since then we understand trauma, abandonment etc far more.

I'd suggest reading books, both you and DH by Sarah Naish, A-Z of therapeutic parenting when you can, also a book called The Primal Wound by Nancy Vetiver to start off, treat their parenting style how you would kids you'd adopted from trauma, even if they're with their dad, there is obviously alot of damage created by time spent with their mum.

I wish with hindsight I'd have known more about therapeutic parenting as opposed to getting into unnecessary power struggles etc with my SKs, I also felt wholly unappreciated, no matter what effort I put in, but now I know more about parenting I wonder if I struggled with that because I'd have liked a parent like me, which was my issue, not theirs.

I think therapy for you all to some degree needs to happen, you sound fed up, but not like you want to leave.
It'll be a tough slog for you and DP, but it really could be worth putting into it, so you don't have to lose your DD 50% of the time.

I have lots of book recommendations and YouTube suggestions on therapeutic parenting if you'd like them, I have read loads on the matter as we'd have quite liked to adopted, but it wasn't to be in the end for us.

I understand that negativity is totally draining, but it can be combated with lots of logic and positivity, (eg a kid moaning about the rain, "think of the plants that need watering") very weak example but its very early 😂

Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

how old?

yes access therapy for them. Parenting support for adults

I would consider a trial separation too

Handhold. And also my first thought was therapy. Are you able to go private for them to avoid a long wait?

Can DH start with the way they speak to each other and set some rules about everyone using kind language because this is basic thing. Might take some time and have to be modelled each time but better to start now as this will only get worse if left.

Also, could DH and you find a child protection/welfare charity (NSPCC or Children's Society?) to give you advice on parenting post-trauma? It may be that they need more structure to help them adjust.

And support for your DH, who may feel guilty about not being aware of the abuse earlier.

OP
You need to center your child.
Despite what people say above, if you left your DP would have his hands full so practically he'd not have your DD 50% despite his best intentions.

Why don't you take your DD and go away for a week, whether by yourself or with your family.

Like a trial week - to see how it feels?

Also I would talk to a therapist yourself - check with them what they think the impact on your DD would be if you stayed.
You have to protect your daughter.

Lwrenagain gives brilliant advice and insight.

Also you and your DP need to talk away from all DCS and work out where you are all going. Your DD is his DD aswell and his views on raising her are as valid as your own.

It doesn't sound like your DSC are abusive to your DD so personally I wouldn't be too worried about the "he will have her 50% of the time if you split" angle as others are. That's still half the time she is now and the rest of the time could be in a more positive environment.

You don't say how old they are but if this is going to go on for years then I would probably leave, yes. I would bent worry about "abandoning" your DP either, he has an obligation to make this his life but you really don't, it's entirely reasonable to leave.

I would absolutely leave. Your DD is your first priority and requires an environment better suited to her needs. If you don't provide it, you will have a very long time to regret it when these behaviours escalate in her. Think of your grandchildren if nothing else - no point sowing more generational trauma by messing up an innocent child

@Lilolilibet I would absolutely leave. Your DD is your first priority and requires an environment better suited to her needs. If you don't provide it, you will have a very long time to regret it when these behaviours escalate in her. Think of your grandchildren if nothing else - no point sowing more generational trauma by messing up an innocent child

But she would ultimately still be in the same environment, likely 50% of the time, if not now, when older unless her father doesn’t want her, so it’s not going to fix it. It’s a case of saying how much time away from that environment will make a difference, will 50% make a difference and if so then definitely worthwhile considering.

Your priority is your child

I doubt he would go for 50/50 if his hands are that full with his other kids and he may well recognise that it isn't ideal for the little one.

And it would be a significant amount of time in a healthy environment which is not nothing.

How old are the step kids? Are they of an age where you can speak to them about it?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and sorry for the delay in responding. I decided to take a few days away with my daughter to think about things so I spent yesterday travelling to my parents ( live a few hours away).

To answer some questions asked- my stepkids are 7 and 12 and my daughter is 2.

I don't 50/50 would happen or work due to my partner's work pattern although I think if I left he would need go leave his job to support them so maybe this would change. I do worry about DD being with them without me around. DP does try to protect her from their behaviour but I don't feel he's always as vigilant as me and can fail to spot things sometimes.

I hadn't thought about family therapy but I think if I am to stay we definitely need this. I do also feel like DP and I would benefit from individual therapy. SKs have been offered counselling via school referral but have refused this a number of times. I think they may be more likely to do it if we are all doing it as a family though.

What I find particularly hard is the smaller things, not the big kick offs but the little things that are harder to bring up because they almost seem like personality traits, like ways of talking that are really negative but not outright nasty.

My SKs aren't abusive towards DD but their language can be very negative and I worry about how that might affect her sense if self. The oldest can also struggle with anyone saying anything nice about her (or with anyone) so if someone says she's good at something he will try to find something negative to counter it. At the same time he can be incredibly loving towards her and in lots of other ways they have a very good relationship, same with my younger stepson.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, sounds rough and you're a good person for stepping up when their Mother would not. If it's any consolation, my elder is inclined to do the same to his sister (rains on her parade when he can). He is a good kid but this tendency isn't nice and I pull him up on it every time. So it may just be normal sibling behaviour. Good luck.

What's your relationship with your partner like? You mentioned that if you were to leave then he would need to leave his job. Does this mean you do most of the parenting currently? What's the set up there?

Hopefully you get a bit of a break with your daughter at your parents. That'll maybe give you a sense of what will be best for her.

I’d leave. My kids come first and I’d rather provide a stable happy life 50% of the time then have her around the step kids 100% of the time.

Id also hope he would go for less then 50%.

Put your daughter first

Continually model the behaviour you like to see and respect.
Repeat phrases and speak up and clear to give alternatives to the discussion you hear.

You’ve had excellent advice above @Stepmamm . I wish I could tell you to get all the counselling / therapy you can and it will all be fine, but hand on heart I can’t .

At 7 and 12, your step kids are only going to get harder to deal with. The teen years are going to be really rough.

If these were your own kids then you’d have no choice but to try to make it work for them. But you do have a choice and in your situation I’d leave now.

Even without incredibly difficult kids to raise, your partnership only has a 50% chance of working out long term ( just because a third of first marriages end in divorce, 50% of second marriages and you are not even married ).

And we know that couples who adopt traumatised kids have a VERY high relationship breakdown rate.

Traumatised kids usually triangulate their parents by attacking the mum figure and being very nice to the father figure. This will be even more marked in your family where you are not the biological or legal parent.

So I suspect that you will invest another few years of your life living in this very unhappy set up, only for it to burst apart when the kids are teens .

Your own toddler will still see her father and her step siblings of course, but I’m sure that she will end up being with you most of the time.

Im sorry , I wish I could be more positive and optimistic for you.

Take the kids out of the equation. Do you still love your husband and want to be with him?

The eldest sounds like they could have reactive attachment disorder (reacting negatively to praise etc ). You Definitely need help to deal with that.