The role of a step parent

[GrannyGoggins]

This has come off the back of another thread but I found the topic rather interesting.

I'm a stepparent and have been for 9 years. I do pretty much what I would do for my own children such as cook, do homework, wash clothes, discipline etc. The only thing I don't get involved in would be personal care as that wouldn't be appropriate. All those issues I leave to stepsons dad.

What do you think the role of a step parent is and how involved do you think they should be?

@Laurdo Sorry I forgot to answer your question. DH got his sons medical records from the GP with all copies of forms etc and that's how he found out.

I would tell police exactly what is happening. I would be honest and say that although you are frightened about losing access to parental care, you feel sick with worry and need guidance to safeguard him. There are too many red flags for abuse and you can’t just sit by worrying and do nothing to protect him.

I would ask them if this was their 10 year old child who can shower independently - would they not be alarmed that his stepfather is helping with showering?
Would they not think that it is alarming that stepfather secretly had discussions about death and arranged Signing forms about his organ donation?

Unfortunately we have already gone down this route. Police went to see the camera and said "it's just a baby monitor". They weren't interested. There was also another occasion where step son said his stepfather had scrubbed his genitals with that hard, scourer type of sponge and hurt him. This was also reported to the police but it was marked down as being a malicious report.

Then step son starts saying his dad hurt him and bent his arm behind his back which wasn't at all true. DH has never laid a finger on him. Step son made up all kinds of lies and it was always after he had been back to his mums and stepdads house, after they knew what he had told us.

There's truly not much else we can do unfortunately.

Is it possible that your stepson is just a liar? If he's telling lies about your DH bending his arm maybe he's lying about the things he says his stepdad does. Kids sometimes tell lies for attention.

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I think there's a fine line that needs to be balanced in all step parenting situations (but majority step mother situations).

Which can be summed up as: is the step mother (or parent) allowed to set their own terms and boundaries?

If you're allowed to develop your step parenting role on your own terms - decide what you're comfortable doing, what you're not comfortable doing - and that is unequivocally accepted by your partner, then I think it can work harmoniously.

But time and time again on here I see situations where the step mother has unreasonable expectations and obligations placed on her not only by her partner but also by her partner's ex. And sometimes by extension her partner's and the ex's families.

They are treated like a nanny and housekeeper by their partner and his ex - who both end up benefitting from her unpaid labour, which is to her own detriment.

It happened to me, when I was on maternity leave and when I went back to work part time to manage the care of my own DC. DH and his ex jumped on the opportunity to hand DSC over to me since 'I was at home anyway'. This kept me stuck at home for many years. Unable to properly progress my career while DH and his ex continues to develop theirs. If I challenged the status quo I was accused of not wanting DSC at our house. It was classic 'contact by proxy', where DH considered it sufficient that the DSC was present in our household even if he was working late and I was the one doing the looking after.

My situation ended up causing a lot of resentment and my mental health really suffered - especially post-natally. I struggle to forgive DH and his ex for that even now. It's been hard. And if I'm honest, it has affected my bond with DSC.

But all of it could have been avoided if they'd just never taken the piss in the first place. Ironically, I used to really enjoy taking care of DSC and going the extra mile for them until I realised that it wasn't appreciated by either parent, it was expected and actually, the bar kept getting raised incrementally higher to the point where what I was prepared to do for DSC actually wasn't good enough in their eyes and they demanded more and more. If I resisted, I was the evil step mother.

Anyway, that was a very long way of saying that the thing that always ruins step dynamics is when the step parent is treated like staff by the 'first couple', so that they can reap the benefits to the detriment of the step parent.

If the step parent's boundaries are heard and respected, it can work really well.

Sorry, I see the thread has moved on and abuse has been mentioned.

There are red flags all over what you're describing OP. Police, social services and don't stop until someone takes you seriously. Mother is likely being groomed and is a victim too.

Step son made up all kinds of lies and it was always after he had been back to his mums and stepdads house, after they knew what he had told us.

I’m sorry you are both going through this.

It’s hard for you and just so concerning in case what he is saying really are red flags for abuse.

You sound like great parents. He is growing up knowing that you care about his welfare - and in time he will mature and be able to say what is going on for him.

Can you go see his teacher and ask them to check on his welfare as he’s saying things you are not sure about, without saying what he has said? or is this not possible as you will be accused of malicious intent ?

@Laurdo there is that very real possibility which is why I am reluctant to push it any further. He has lied to police, school, his mum, us etc. we know some things are true as they have been admitted etc but others, we don't know.

I noticed step son seemed to lie when he was trying to get out of something. But then it makes me wonder, why tell such serious lies and cause all that trouble? I don't understand any of it.

I agree with all of the messages - there really isn't a set role and really depends on the existing family set-up.

Personally, I believe my SC don't need or even want another Mum. I try and play the role of the 'Fun Aunt' - only disciplining when I really have to. Not expected to cook, do school runs, do their washing etc. but I will do these things sometimes out of choice.

My role is to care, be there for them when they need me, pay an interest in their lives, plan family activities together sometimes.

However, the home is OUR home, and therefore I do believe I get a say in terms of how the home is treated and house rules.

@TinyTraveller I agree with you. I've never really been of the mindset to not discipline stepchildren. I know I'm not the parent but it is still my home so I feel I have the right to say what behaviour is acceptable. I usually leave it to DH but if he wasn't in the room or something, then he has no issues with me telling him off.

@Ifallelsefailschocolate This all happened a while ago now but at the time, issues were raised with school, social, police etc but they all determined that DH was reporting these things to be malicious when really it was out of sheer panic and concern. Step son always changed his story to professionals which made it look like we were lying or forcing him to say things. I don't get involved now in that sense. If there is anything bothering him, he will have to tell his teachers. We won't get involved again unless there is physical evidence. Can't go through all that again. I even got labelled an abuser along with my DH because we allegedly had inappropriate conversations with step son when in fact it was his mum telling him stuff and saying to say his dad said it. It was all a mess.