The role of a step parent

[GrannyGoggins]

This has come off the back of another thread but I found the topic rather interesting.

I'm a stepparent and have been for 9 years. I do pretty much what I would do for my own children such as cook, do homework, wash clothes, discipline etc. The only thing I don't get involved in would be personal care as that wouldn't be appropriate. All those issues I leave to stepsons dad.

What do you think the role of a step parent is and how involved do you think they should be?

I don't think there's a one size fits all approach. It depends on the dynamic of the family and also if the bio parent is still involved. I know people who have basically taken on the role of parent to their partners kids because their bio dad is no longer on the scene. It's actually probably a lot simpler in that scenario.

My dh is stepdad to my son but his bio dad is still very involved. Dh loves ds and helps a lot with day to day care, lifts, general finances but if ds needed something specific it would be me or his dad who'd buy it. It can be tricky for a stepparent, acting as a family while also maintaining a respectful distance but I think as long as the dc are loved, included and cared for by all parties it's fine.

I am similar to you. If they are here and I’m shopping, of course I’ll fling a pack of kids yoghurt in the trolley. Partner does most cooking as I work but if I do, it’s not much different cooking for 4 people than for 2. I wash whatever is in the laundry basket but wouldn’t go out of my way to strip their beds or pick their pyjamas out of the beds to wash.

I dont do home work, I only get involved with games etc if I feel like it and all the drudge work of entertaining and the constant “I’m bored” and “what can we do” I completely leave to their dad. So I essentially live my normal life, I see friends when they are here etc.

They are here weekends and half the holidays but i wouldn’t take them to school if they were here during those times, don’t collect, don’t drop off etc.

Everyone's situation is very different. Do you have your stepson full time?

I'm pretty similar to@Woodstocks . What I do for DSD is generally incidental. I will wash her bedsheets if they are in the basket but I don't think it's up to me to nag her to bring them down or strip the bed for her. I'll chuck a few things I know she likes in the trolley but working out her meals for when she's with us isn't my job. I do her Christmas stocking but not her main gifts. I set up her junior ISA at same time I did for the other kids (with DHs blessing) but paying into it isn't my job.
Some hyperactive types on MN would say all this makes their blood run cold 🙄 I just think I'm staying in my lane and not inviting any drama by standing on her parents toes.
I think a step parenting relationship should be whatever suits that particular family.

I believe the role of a step parent is to be kind and fair to their DSC. Other than that there should be no "should." Any further involvement should be up to the step parent to decide without any pressure or expectation from anyone else. In the real world the step parent will probably end up helping out to a greater or lesser extent with cooking, washing, the odd bit of babysitting etc - it's when it's expected/taken for granted that resentment starts.

I'm similar to most on here who have replied. I have to admit though, that my DH struggles with how much his sons stepfather tried to take over his role. For example, he takes him to school and picks him up, is the one that contacts school for everything, takes him to the doctors, signs forms that only someone with PR should really sign, tells DH what he should and shouldn't be doing with his son, showers him (he is 10). There was even a time when cameras were in his sons bedroom at the mums house and the stepdad would watch him in his bedroom. Stepfather does all the health stuff, like checking his bottom for words etc.

I don't know. We don't say anything but it does irritate my DH how he takes over a bit.

There was even a time when cameras were in his sons bedroom at the mums house

Unless you mean like a baby monitor camera then putting cameras in a bedroom isn’t normal parental behaviour- stepparent or otherwise

It was a baby monitor video camera thing that could record but step son was 8 at the time.

What you have just said is completely inappropriate. Only those with PR should be doing intimate examinations. And a camera in the bedroom is utterly unnecessary and creepy.

It will always vary by situation.

We live 85 miles from ex & his new woman. I do everything related to school, health, homework, hobbies & clothes etc. DS visits their house two or three times a year, and ex expects me to provide all clothes etc, so no involvement is needed really except adding a bit to the weekly shop.

It's taken more than a decade for new woman to stop trying to interfere.

I 100% agree with you. DH tried to get it sorted but no one would listen unfortunately.

Your DH seems to want things both ways. You cook for his DC, clean up after them, help them with their homework etc; these are all parenting roles that he (presumably willingly) lets you do.

But you say that he doesn't like the stepdad to do the school run; I struggle to see how that's different to you helping with homework?

If your DH wants more of a parenting role, then HE can do the school run (this might entail having his DC on more school days and adjusting his working hours?) help with homework and cook and clean for his kids; I'm sure neither you nor the stepdad would stop him from doing those things.

The videoing and worm checking is different from though; I wouldn't be happy about that.

@StopMindlesslyScrolling I think it's more along the lines of DH is concerned that his sons mum doesn't really do much with him or for him, in the sense of day to day care. He knows his son would like more interaction from his mum. But, he accepts that it is their life and they run things how they see fit. The cameras, checking bottoms really bothered DH though especially when his son said he had to hide from the camera to get changed.

I tend to only cook for my stepson if he's having what I'm cooking for me and my kids. If he's having something different, his dad will do it. I help with homework as step son asks me to, he seems to like me doing it with him. My daughter also helps him sometimes too, as well as his dad. I don't do the school runs though.

DH would love more time and parenting with his son but he can't unfortunately. There is a court order in place and his ex won't deviate from it.

I think it's pretty much balanced in our house regards looking after step kids but DH definitely does more for his son than I do for him; which is the way it should be I think. Just like I do more for my kids than DH does.

Oh and another one DH felt was going too far was the stepfather agreeing and signing to donating DHs sons organs should anything happen to him. DH felt that was a decision that should be made by parents.

The showering, cameras and checking his bum (do people really regularly check their kids for worms?) are all massive red flags for abuse.

What kind of support with showering does he need ?

Or is the stepdad taking these steps to normalise the abuse and intimacy right in front of the poor child’s family?

it seems very strange that the stepfather is needing to be involved in signing forms about organ donation. When he signed forms for donating the child’s organs, could this be part of the steps he has taken to intimidate him and keep the child fearful of breaking secrets?

I completely agree with you. Additionally around that time, step son told us that his stepfather would watch him urinate. This was all reported to the relevant professionals but by the time he was spoken to, step son had been in his mothers care and he had changed his story. This then made DH look like he was being malicious. Social ended up saying DH was causing more harm to his son than the mum and stepfather and that apparently having cameras and watching an 8 year old in their bedroom who is not your own child is normal 🤷🏻‍♀️.

He doesn't need any at all. When he has a shower at our house, he does it by himself.

Interesting you say this because my step son did make comments about he has been told to not tell us anything that happens at his mums house.

Sorry I don't want it to seem like I am bashing the mum and step dad and I didn't even know this thread would go in this direction but I guess it just all came out because it does still bother me and I worry about my step son.

I do everything for my step daughter that I do for my daughter, she’s here 50% of the time so it makes sense. I’ve taken her to dentist appointments, drs appointments etc when it falls on days she is with us. Everyone’s situation is different, and that’s what works for us all as an extended family (mum, dad, stepdad, me). Everyone is good, mums asked me to take to appointments when she’s been working before. She doesn’t need another mum as he mum is fully involved, but I am definitely the ‘mum’ figure when she is with us. I sign permission slips etc.

However this situation you describe is not ok, for a step parent or a parent. It’s not ok to even have cameras set up in a bedroom for your own children, or be regularly inspecting their bum for worms. That’s all huge red flags for abuse, step parent or parent.

Go back to police and ask what are the right steps to take to ensure that your partner’s son. , and your stepson, is safe and has a voice in this.

the stepfather is not showing respect for your stepsons privacy in his own home, and it is alarming that he would have endure this , despite the fact that your husband reported his concerns.

something is up , he should never feel like he has no right to privacy anx needs to keep secrets, and doesn’t have a right to talk about anything that happens to him at his home.

This doesn't sit right with me. I left the medical side of things to DP and only really did the household chores, cooking, cleaning etc and helped with homework and homeschooling in lockdown. I made my sure step kids had privacy and their own space, I certainly wouldn't be helping him shower. I don't think my own 10 year old would want me showering him 🙈

I'm sorry, but your stepson is quite clearly being abused by his pervert stepfather if want you're saying is correct. If he was my child I'd be getting an emergency custody order until it can be investigated further. I wouldn't just be stopping because the child has changed his story. Abused children often do change their story out of fear.

Poor kid. His mother doesn't sound like she does much for him and is standing back allowing him to be abused and his father also isn't doing much to help him.

How did you even find out about him signing the forms etc.?

We have done literally everything. Police, social and a court case concluded early this year. Concluded that DH is making up malicious allegations and he almost lost contact with his son due to that. Such a complicated back story but we have literally done everything we can and if DH were to do anything else, he would end up losing contact with his son which would he worse for step son as he would have nowhere else to go.

Also, step son behaves really differently there. He is aggressive, violent, destructive, withdrawn, and even self harms (pulling hair out, pinching himself etc). This only happens at mums house but professionals concluded it's because it's his 'safe space' where he can express his emotions.

It makes me feel sick writing all this knowing there's nothing more we can do.