Changing RP and contact through court order?

[ForeverShark]

Hi, I’m looking for anyone with experience in challenging and changing the resident parent and custody agreement, through court if necessary.

DP and I have become increasingly
worried about DP’s ex and her mild neglect/negligence where DSC is concerned, resulting most recently in one DSC being admitted to hospital.

It’s mostly things that would go under most peoples radar, but it’s enough for DP to want to push for 70/30 minimum, so as to provide the majority of care.

Currently it’s 50/50 with DP’s ex with an informal arrangement in place and DP’s ex is RP.

Does anyone have any experience in taking the matter to court to be resolved? DP’s ex wouldn’t agree if asked.

Thanks in advance.

mild negligence and neglect that is a big allegation and am sure evidence will be required and a referral /review by social services. As someone who was on the receiving end of such an allegation driven by my EXs DP - it was investigated ( extremely stressful for me and DCs, as they were interviewed, questioned and got v scared) My alleged neglect was one of my DCs being admitted with an infection because I allegedly did not take them to the GP in time and then did not give them properly. Second allegation was the bruise on one DC leg, where his brother has kicked him as they were fighting and I was not supervising them enough. ( I was on the toilet!)

Can you provide an example. My feeling is unless serious neglect, they would try to help DM to cope and suggest different strategies.

Going straight to court seems unnecessarily aggressive but then do not know the background.

@uneffingbelievable thank you for replying.

In similar fashion to yours, DC has a medical condition and DP Ex not administering medicine, multiple instances of exposure to inappropriate content. All backed up with proof. There’s more but may be outing.

To go to court would be the last resort after many attempts to resolve things unofficially, understandably DP is worried about his DC. Support and strategies how to cope would be excellent! But for the immediate here and now, DP wants reassurance his DC are safe, as much as possible.

How old are the kids?
Logically, if he really thinks she is neglectful why would he want them with her 30% of the time?

@CiderJolly thanks for your reply, youngest is 7.
DP is well aware that no court would remove contact with a parent for the little, forgetful things. Just having DC the majority of the time to ensure they’re having correct medication, eating and drinking regularly, attending school for the majority of the week, would be an improvement for them.

Things have been rocky for some time with DP ex, however when the initial anger that DC are being let down subsides, it’s clear she just isn’t coping.

Before court i would talk it through with social services. They may have advice and how to deal with the situation. They can also provide support if she needs help. Which although scary, if its simply she isnt coping will not just help the children but also help her get back to herself. If its mental stress they can fast track any referrals. Also covers your backs if anything really bad happens that you raised concerns and heaven forbid there is any risks they can identify such and act acvordingly.

Also the other angle is... if you are inadvertingly exaggerating risks that are not there..Her name will be cleared.

Something doesn’t sound right here to me. The mum managed through the baby/toddler years and now the youngest is 7, the father wants to reduce her time with her kids because she forgets things.

How old is the child who needs meds? If the dad is so concerned can’t he set up an alarm on their phone?

If they are missing school then school will raise it won’t they?

Does she work? Do you & your partner? What are her financial circumstances compared to yours? Does she have much support?

@Hopinghonestly thanks for your reply.

Thank you, social services may be a good route.

Best case scenario is to continue with 50/50 with DP and DP Ex both on the same page with regards to care needs, however in the meantime things are worrying, understandably, for DP.

@CiderJolly sorry, I am being deliberately vague on some details as to not become
too outing.

Issues have been ongoing for two-three years, with things recently coming to a head.

DP wants more access because of
worried around DC health and well-being, not to spite DP Ex. It isn’t a thing DC can administer themselves and they’re 7, so too young to have a phone.

Thank you for the replies, it’s difficult to put across over text as I do realise you’re only getting one side of the story and not much detail to go off, I was looking for anybody with experience, as it is an avenue DP is looking to go down. He is seeking advice elsewhere also, I just know there’s a wide variety of family set ups on MN that could maybe offer experiences.

What's the relationship like with the mum? Is it possible to have a conversation with her about your worries without it resulting in conflict? I would always try to resolve things direct between parents 1st as this is the best route for kids. If missing school is an issue talk with school. What support are they offering? If the medication is a necessity and impacts on child's health speak with school nurse who may be able to offer support on administering meds if thats a potential issue. You say it's mum not coping so would she be receptive of offers of support rather than going through courts? Early help services are generally really good with low level issues and you can self refer into them or school can speak with mum and offer to do this with her consent. If you are significantly worried then contact SS with your worries or if children are coming to harm/at risk of harm then your partner can exercise his PR and not return them to the mum - this would potentially cause conflict and upset for children though so unless real worries it wouldn't be my go to!

Ask school for the chronology, all dc have them, if there's incidents of neglect and lots of missed schooling it will be detailed there.

But is 70/30 best for the dc? Wouldn't it be better for them for mum to have support to get into a routine and be more on the ball and 50/50 continue. No one is a perfect parent but that doesn't mean the dc would be better off with you for longer.

Have they tried mediation?

Is he happy to change actual time caring with zero change to current financial arrangement?

Has he approached it from his Ex seems to be struggling and you guys would like to help out by having DC more often for several months and then see how things are?

Before court I think you need to exhaust options informally and very kindly to show you are being child centric and recognise in future 50:50 may be appropriate again.

Do you think the ex could be depressed/overwhelmed as a single parent/struggle with routine? I think working out why the ex isn't coping will help with having compassion. "We want to help" approach may help shift arrangements will hopefully keep co-parenting friendly rather than descending into hostility.

@CiderJolly also sorry I realised I never replied to your question regarding family set up, it’s DP and I both working full time rented, and DP ex working full time in a house she owns. DP pays CMS to the tune of 3 overnights a week although contact is 7/14 nights. DP ex also has strong family support network, and DP’s family assist with childcare for both parents.

@NeverAloneNeverAgain relationship with DP ex has deteriorated over the last 2/3 years, however I understand that it is not easy to hear perceived criticism of your parenting. I know I would also be defensive in the situation.

School are aware of the concerns however it wouldn’t hurt to set up a meeting in the new term, thank you.

DC are the most important part of this whole scenario, so whilst DP is aware that he can exercise his PR, he is hoping to get to a place where the children are happy and healthy. Court is the last option he has, when he has exhausted all others, he is just looking to make sure there’s a clear path forward that if things don’t change, then he knows what to do.

@Titicacacandle thank you, that is useful to know.

I have said it above that 50/50 with the DC’s health and well-being needs met would be optimum, DP is reluctant to rock the boat so to speak without good reason but he has reached the point that his DC’s health must come before their preferred contact arrangement. Hopefully though, that can be reached before needing to take drastic measures.

@RandomMess no, he is currently looking into setting up mediation.

Without a doubt yes, money wouldn’t be a barrier to that.

I wouldn’t want to guess at what could be the issue with DP Ex, however that would make sense as parenting can be overwhelming, it’s is just hard to decipher when at the moment, any contact regarding DC health is immediately defended and denied. As I said, understandable but also frustrating when there is a DC in hospital poorly, that wasn’t helped by missed medications.

Tbh unless they are at social services level of neglect the court won't award him 70/30. I'm pretty sure the hospital would have sent a safe guarding referral through if they were treating dc because of mums neglect. They often send referrals through if you turn up to hospital without administering pain relief let alone if they needed serious treatment. From what you've said I'm assuming it might be diabetes? They would take that very seriously if mum wasn't managing it.

It's often easy to get into a moral spiral of someone not parenting how you think they should and I agree it can be frustrating but that doesn't equal neglect to the point of removal unless there were lots of other things going on. You can be choatic but still be a good enough parent.

She works full time, solo parent to more than one DC. Although many parents do this it is tiring and relentless especially with medical needs and the amount of extra admin work from the school.

Can DP offer to take on all the mental load of school stuff, the one to remind about mufti day, school trips etc? Do you use a court approved App where he could be responsible for populating stuff in the calendar?

It's great DPs parents help, are you sure they aren't commenting stuff to his Ex which is putting her back up?

Have you worked out if it's morning or evening meds that get missed the most?

The bar for ss involvement is SHOCKINGLY low op, I've worked with children who are being seriously neglected with 100% residency with one parent, and they are still reluctant to get involved if for example the dc are in school, or being taken to the gp by the 'neglectful' parent. If the school are involved and aware of the circumstances I would start there - if they had significant concerns they would have already approached the local safeguarding team.

One person's neglect is another person's freestyle parenting. Unless there is documented proof of real harm I suspect you have a long road ahead. Sorry.

Logically, if he really thinks she is neglectful why would he want them with her 30% of the time?

Agree with this. Either there is serious concern that you need the court's help with or there are smaller issues which a court will put down to parenting difference. If the parent is not giving medication correctly and this is problematic for the child, how is it not problematic 30% of the time?

Not sure if it's possible through the parenting App but there could be a way for DC to "tick" they've taken thee meds so they have some responsibility for asking for their meds and marking off that they've had them? Perhaps their is resistance to taking the meds with Mum or Mum simply forgets before bed time and it's so manic before school?

Thanks again for all the replies, really helpful and useful to see other points of view. I will reply individually when home but to just reply quick to @Baconisdelicious that she is still DC mother, as others have said, whilst she may be negligent in certain areas, she clearly loves DC and them her. Making sure DC is getting meds is of highest priority to DP however no court is going to award full custody to a parent over missed medicine. His only option is to try for RP and support Ex in full filling her parental responsibilities with a view to getting 50/50 when needs are fully being met.

so is the medicine essential or not? I can't imagine that medicine that needs to be administered regularly isn't important.

You are being fair and acknowledging the parenting relationship and ultimately the needs of the child. But it's not clear how serious an issue you're dealing with. Medication is important - or it wouldn't be prescribed. So either she's doing something 'wrong' and the child is affected or she isn't, surely? If it's wishy-washy and somewhere in the middle, why would the courts award 70/30 over 50/50?

From where I'm standing right now, it feels like you're picking at her parenting, the way she approaches things which is not the same as how you (both) might approach it. It doesn't feel like neglect. If you are telling a court she's neglectful, you want minimal care for mum because she can harm the child if she's not taking medication, surely?

I come with some experience - my ex tried to tell a court I was neglectful and an awful mother....only to ask for 50/50. Long story short (and it was some 15 years ago now so the climate is different), a judge saw fit to give him every other weekend and half the holidays (this was a reduction in his contact at that point) because it was all very much based in abusing me, causing me issues etc. What he really wanted was 50/50 so I couldn't move house and he could keep an eye on me by standing on my doorstep several times a week.

I realise you are being vague because of possible outing but you really do need to be clear whether this is something that is impacting the child or whether it's just a parenting difference. If the child is impacted, then you're looking for full residence with EOW and some holiday contact for mum to minimise the impact on the child. My mental maths is dreadful - that might amount to 70% or thereabouts but do have a think about how it's all presented.

Mediation might be helpful as a first attempt at getting an improved situation for the children if that's what you think is required.

thanks again for all the replies and looking at things from a different point of view. I know that as I’m emotionally involved here my opinions are biased .

For full clarity it’s asthma, DC currently hospitalised with a severe chest infection and it has come to light that preventor inhaler has not been given 50% of the week for (that we know of) two months. Same DC is also being referred for weight, diabetes testing and a fitness plan. DP has had an uphill battle trying to combat DC weight as ex is apparently blind to it (which I do understand as a mother myself).

To PP who suggested taking over some of Ex’s parenting load, DP organises swim lessons, any extra curriculars, homework and reading and any school functions or needs on “his” days, dentist and doctors appointments and provides half of any trip/costume costs required, which I would think is part and parcel of parenting.

I do appreciate that everyone parents differently and glad I asked here for advice.

@ForeverShark I thought it was clear I meant take over additional mental above and beyond what is on his days as a way of helping his ex out and improving things for DC.