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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I need to vent

20 replies

Floofydawg · 25/08/2023 15:25

Do you ever feel like you're the only one who sees the mess that needs cleaning up?

SS been here since Weds and I've spent the whole time sweeping up crumbs/wiping down surfaces/rinsing his pubes out of the bath because I appear to be the only one who fucking sees it needs doing. He's been asked countless times to clean up after himself and he'll do it for a short while and then lapse. Husband has selective blindness so it ends up being me who either complains or bites my tongue and does it myself because then it doesn't cause a row. I've had enough and I'm currently counting down the 26 hours til he goes back to his mum's and leaves me in peace.

I seriously can't do this any more.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Theunamedcat · 25/08/2023 15:30

Ask your husband to do it every time he will soon see the issue

Original poster

Floofydawg · 25/08/2023 15:31

Theunamedcat · 25/08/2023 15:30

Ask your husband to do it every time he will soon see the issue

I asked him to go check the bathroom had been left in a decent state last night, which he did, and came back and reported all ok. I looked this morning and the bath was full of fucking black hairs. We must have different standards but that's not acceptable.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2023 16:32

Yes I absolutely do feel like this. It's like this when DSS isn't here too as DP just doesn't think about these things and has much lower standards than me, but it pisses me off more when DSS is here as I feel he should be the one to think about it.

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 16:37

How old is he, op, and do you have any children of your own?

I know that mine never cleared up, neither did friends and when I was a child and teenager, neither did I. My mother had the occasional moan but not often.

NorthernSpirit · 25/08/2023 16:42

I feel your pain…..

It’s better now - mainly because SD (17) doesn’t visit anymore (her choice) & SS (14) does as he’s asked - but only when asked, he could never think to do it himself (apart from putting empty packets back in the cupboard which drives me fucking nuts).

It is now better. But oh my word when they were younger….. they couldn’t flush the toilet (and had to be called back every single time to flush their piss / shit. That drove me nuts.

The breaking point was the stench coming out of SD’s bedroom (which OH couldn’t smell). When I ordered him in to investigate and he had to remove a festering used sanitary towl from her room - that’s when things changed here and he realised the angels actually did start to need cleaning up after themselves.

Call him back every single time - he needs to learn to clean up after himself.

Good luck 🤞

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 25/08/2023 16:42

Have you read the infamous disengaging essay? Highly recommend reading it, saving it, and reading it again as and when necessary…
https://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging-essay.html

Hang in there!

Disengaging Essay - Stepfamily Help Page

https://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging-essay.html

Fairydustxox · 25/08/2023 17:12

I had this alllll the time!!
SS hiding saturated undies under the bed and I replaced the mattress thinking it was that, turns out it wasn't and it was a regular thing. No one else could smell it apparently!
Eventually they moved out and sorting SD room, the one who seemed more hygienic and organized, I found a carrier bag full of worn and filthy underwear 🤢
They were honestly like the gifts that kept on giving, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it always did and it was always me that had to clean up as DP worked long hours

Original poster

Floofydawg · 25/08/2023 17:18

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 16:37

How old is he, op, and do you have any children of your own?

I know that mine never cleared up, neither did friends and when I was a child and teenager, neither did I. My mother had the occasional moan but not often.

He's 16, mine is 20 and left home. I can't do another 2 years of having a teenager in the house.

Of course my own could be messy but she's mine - I could tell her and be blunt about it. SS is scared of his own shadow and I don't want to be on at him all the time (plus it's not my job).

OP posts:

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 18:50

In that case, I think you just have to suck it up. A bit of hair in the bath or shower and a few crumbs on work surfaces is not that much. However, I am very laid back about such things, always have been, and I realise some people are extremely clean and tidy around their houses.

MeridianB · 25/08/2023 19:26

Some of these posts make me feel physically sick 🤮

It’s not a lot to ask for people to clean up after themselves in a shared bathroom.

I totally understand your need for DH to tackle this properly, rather than having to mention it every day.

When he comes out of bathroom saying it’s fine, do you show him how it’s not so he understands what the problem is? You shouldn’t have to but he clearly has blinkers on.

moomoosaka · 25/08/2023 19:28

If he's 16 he's old enough to be asked directly. If you have a family chat use it to ask whoever has left pubes in the bath to clean them up.

Ryeman · 25/08/2023 19:37

I don’t think the levels of cleanliness are any better with one’s own children, it’s just our tolerance levels are higher and it’s easier to give them a bollocking.

dammit88 · 25/08/2023 19:42

16 is plenty old enough to know this isn't on. His father needs a word with him.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 25/08/2023 19:48

been asked countless times to clean up after himself

Stop asking.

Call him up to the bathroom, point at the bath and say "please clean it, how would you like to bathe in that?" And hand him the cloth.

Call him into the kitchen, point to the crumbs and say "please clean that up, how would you like to use it if I'd left it like that?" And hand him the cloth.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Tell DH if his child refuses then tag he's it, because you are not doing it anymore. Good luck.

Original poster

Floofydawg · 25/08/2023 20:21

Teenagers really are fucking disgusting aren't they. It's not natural to have to live with someone else's teen.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 25/08/2023 20:23

Well, your options are...

Call him out on it each and every time. As long as it takes.

Live separately from your partner for two years.

Move out temporarily every time your ds is there and stay out till it's cleaned.

Split up with your partner.

Continue as is.

Like I always say on these threads - for me, no man on earth is worth living with if he has kids who stay over. I have no interest whatsoever in someone else's kids, so don't date men who do.

Original poster

Floofydawg · 25/08/2023 21:59

@arethereanyleftatall you're a wise woman. We were all good til we moved in together.

OP posts:

FredWinnie · 26/08/2023 02:45

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 25/08/2023 16:42

Have you read the infamous disengaging essay? Highly recommend reading it, saving it, and reading it again as and when necessary…
https://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging-essay.html

Hang in there!

That should be stickied.
It is brilliant
(I have step grandkids so I witness some of these types of clashes)

Original poster

Floofydawg · 26/08/2023 08:04

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 25/08/2023 16:42

Have you read the infamous disengaging essay? Highly recommend reading it, saving it, and reading it again as and when necessary…
https://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging-essay.html

Hang in there!

Just read it - very good. Am definitely already at the disengaged stage, it's just the bits of mess which irritate me and I refuse to live in a messy home.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 07:02

Take your partner into the bathroom and show him physically what you mean by "checking the bathoom". He needs to understand your standards and how to clean to your satisfaction..
After a few visits get him to explain in detail to his son about how to leave a bathroom and how to leave his room after staying with you.

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