Your blended family faux pas (according to MN)

[CrabbyMcPatty]

Anyone else read things on here sometimes that are apparently massive no nos but that no one in your particular family bats an eyelid at?

I'll give one first... my parents don't buy DSC birthday presents most years. They just don't really have a relationship but they are doting GPs to our joint DC 🤷‍♀️ no one has ever cared.

@namechangnancy

😂

Your DSD is playing all the adults.

I think my situation has gone bizzarely the other way. Not only do my parents treat my step kids (and my brother's SD for that matter) as family, but my wife's ex's mum treats my own daughter as family.

My daughter (4) recently started going to stay with my wife's ex when it's his weekend to take the kids (by her own choice I should add - she's always asked if she wants to.) Nice break for us!

It's kinda weird. We were far more distant and 'typical' a couple of years ago but the older SD (13 now) has severe ADHD amongst other SN and we kind of bonded working as a team to get her the diagnosis and help she needed.

Not sure if this level of ultra-closeness is generally frowned upon or not!

In addition to my post above (about my mum never having met my DSC)…..

• I don’t treat them as my own (they aren’t my kids)
• I do stuff without them / their dad when they are visiting). Not my kids - why should I be tied to them?
• I’m referred to as their SM (they decided the title) and shock, horror we aren’t married
• I don’t babysit (I’m not unpaid childcare)
• I don’t pander to their fussy eating habits (their dad can be he short order cook)
• I don’t do that their cleaning or washing (they are old enough to do their own and if their dad wants to pander to them he can do it)
• We go on holiday without them
• We make plans and do stuff without them (TBH after years of their batshit mum stopping contact and plans being put on hold as we weren’t sure if they were ‘allowed’ to visit we decided we had to live rather than be dictated to or wait)

The NACHO method of SP was a game changer for me (and my mental health). Not my kids…..

Expectations could include, "I expect you to look after your own child", "I expect you to ask me if you want me to provide childcare", "I expect you to do your kids laundry".

I agree, there should be no expectation from a parent for any other adult to look after their child.

I treat my 3 DSCS as I would want my children treated - so ergo the same. They get told to clean up, pick up, not swear, wash and put stuff away.

To me when they are here they are all equal.

Also - I take 2x DSDs to dance, netball etc if needed and god forbid my DP takes my 2 DSs to rugby if needed - ( thank god 1 day less standing in the rain and whipping wind!) We pick up if needed for either set and drop off for either set.

I cook for all and he cooks for all.

We both go on holiday with our own kids at different times but we do to a big all of us together either week in the sun or long weekend somewhere.

They come over if Dad is away and don't if they do not want to.

Was truly happy for DSD1 when she got her A level results 2 weeks ago and have talked unis with her, given advice when asked for and am interested in her life and success. She has been such a positive in my DSs lives - why wouldn't I!

I am not their DM - I play more the benevolent Auntie -so can always hand them back when it becomes too much

@Reugny she's a smart cookie my dsd14 and has asd so has absolutely no concept of why anyone might cop the arse/be horrified and just says exactly how she feel at all times.
Regardless of how many people are left open mouthed by her comments.

Trying to explain why her mum has got the hump because dsd called me her other mother in front of her friends and called her mother by her name was truly a challenging task. She's amused at me getting on my hard helmet because mums gonna lose her shit (at me - not at dsd because it's her daughter) dads standing by shuffling us all into the car and groups of dsd friends also gobsmacked and other mothers from the school who knows who's mum and who's step mum are looking horrified clutching their pearls. Sigh I would find it amusing if it didn't cause holy hell every time

DSDs ! DSD1 lovely, DSD 2 challenging at times and an absolute star at others. She drives me insane as can flip on a sigh -the only thing we do agree on at the moment - is I do not treat anyone in the house differently in terms of chores and expectations.
This infuriates her on a bad day and she praises it in a good day. Has even moaned to her mum - who in good anti Mumsnet tradition = we speak regularly about the SDCs and she has my number and vice versa - another Mumsnet faux pas by me.

-We go on holiday without dsd

• We go on days out when she’s not here and never reserve days out for only times she’s here.
• We go out more when she’s not here as it’s cheaper.
• We only have here EOW which seemed to be standard when the arrangement was made but from what I read closer to 50/50 seems normal now.
• I don’t do child care or pick ups/drop offs
• She doesn’t leave clothing here and takes it all home and brings a bag each week. Her choice but suits me as no laundry for me.
• We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

My family barely know my stepkids.

I no longer have a bedroom in my house for the 22yo

We go on holiday without them at least twice a year

I don't and never have done childcare

I'll be happy when the youngest is off our hands

Yes she is. I know him very well now. He only lives a 10 minute cycle away. We hold birthdays etc for the SDs together (Christmas is separate and we always have them for New Year.)

Typically our daughter only goes for one of the two nights, but recently she's been asking if she can stay both and we don't really want to deny her if she's having fun. As said she is never pressured to go and it's always her choice. We get them back when we want on the Sunday (unless they've got plans) so will make something of the day then. We're also lucky that her kindergarten and the SDs schools are all very close (the kindergarten is literally on the next street.) We work from home a lot and finish at 4pm (standard here really) so we actually get decent time in the evenings with them. It also means the SDs don't feel they're missing out on anything when they're with their dad, which I guess can be a pitfall sometimes.

It was hard for him when I first moved in, of course. Hard to see another guy step in and help raise his girls. But he never did anything other than put his kid's wellbeing first. Now he's getting a fair bit of adoration from my daughter and to be honest I feel he's earned it with his conduct.

We had a long, hard fight to get a diagnosis for the eldest SDs ADHD and had meeting after meeting with the health service, local authority etc. - we bonded quite a bit in that period. We got a lot of praise for the cooperative nature in which we parented.

I don’t call them my stepchildren
I’ve never looked after them, although I would in an emergency
we go in holiday without them (caveat, we have no shared children and I take my own children away by myself)
we don’t have “everyone has to have the same rules” (too many of them are ND)
I can’t imagine ever getting involved in their parents evening etc
we both plan and organise our own time and do stuff with our own kids, we’ve done stuff together maybe 10 times in as many years
I like my DSCs, the youngest I am closest to - he has no memory of me not being around. I know his sisters would still like their parents to get back together, not because they don’t like me - their mum has dated for years but nothing relationship like and they worry about her being lonely.
I don’t scream at DH every time one of his DCs leaves a lolly stick on the side
i don’t care what they eat or attempt to get involved in correcting their diets

God everything. Its why I've stopped with this board!

1. The biggest is that we met each other's children very early. I was a lone parent with no shared custody, and DP met my DS before we'd even kissed! He came and collected him from nursery with me.

I met his DC after a few months in the park as a friend. If it had all been terrible I wouldn't have pursued the relationship - better to know that earlier rather than later!

2). We take primary logistical and financial responsibility for our respective children - eg, he does school run, pays for trips, uniform etc for his (we have 50/50). I do the same with mine. Of course we help each other out with childcare, but will ask first, and won't generally rely on that.

3. Although I don't actively parent DSC much I love them to bits. They are partly the reason why I don't want another DC - I think that would throw our happy dynamic off.

Yeah I have quiet a few.
I am their step mother, no we're not married (engaged) but we have had them 3 nights a week for over 4 years. People get really weird about the term but if you've been living with kids and helping co parent for years I think you can define that as a step parent.
I do parent, less than I used to, I have had to step back for my own sanity but I still do a little bit. I do discipline aswell, that seems to be a big no no on here but I don't see how I could have young kids in my house and never tell them off. Their dad can not be everywhere all at once, sometimes I see or hear something he doesn't as he's not in the room, showering or cooking maybe. I remember asking him early on "if I see something do I say something" and he gave me a definite yes and has continued to support that. Again in stepping back I do discipline less now but I would never be OK with not doing any, if I'm present when something happens, I have to address it, how could I not, I've never understood that.
He doesn't rely on me for anything and has never expected childcare from me but we are building a life together and I always saw it as 'we're a team', so I've offered a lot and he's never taken advantage it. In the beginning I threw myself in completely in to parenting thinking that was the best thing to do but in retrospect it was too much, it caused me harm and caused frictions I didnt even know I was causing. In stepping back I see how I was trying to maintain a standard of behaviour their dad was not fully invested in maintaining, so it's frustrating to watch but that's what you do, you just watch cos they're not your kids and you can't raise them the way you'd want to if they were yours.
I don't love them like they're my own (I don't have any so I guess I don't know what that would be like) I'm not sure love is really a word I'd use at all. I have felt guilty about that but you can't make yourself feel it. It's an entirely different feeling, I care about them, I think of them as part of my tribe if you will, there's a definite sense of family, but not sure it's love.
I'm sure there's others, MN has a lot of rules!