Your blended family faux pas (according to MN)

[CrabbyMcPatty]

Anyone else read things on here sometimes that are apparently massive no nos but that no one in your particular family bats an eyelid at?

I'll give one first... my parents don't buy DSC birthday presents most years. They just don't really have a relationship but they are doting GPs to our joint DC 🤷‍♀️ no one has ever cared.

I have 2 SDC - now 14 & 17.

I’ve known them for 7.5 years. My mother (father has passed away) has never met them or never asks about them. Sad I know but you can’t force a relationship.

They have 2 sets of grandparents and don’t seem bothered.

I met the kids after 3 months and we bought a house together after 7 months.

I have loads.

My parents barely know my DSCs and it wouldn't occur to them to buy them a present.

I have never provided childcare for them barring one emergency and for short times when dp popped to the shop.

I met them before I even started dating dp as we had mutual friends. I then met them in the park after about 3 months of dating and got to know them gradually, along with getting to know my partner rather waiting for a year and suddenly appearing as their dad's serious partner.

I go out and see my friends when they are here. I don't spend the whole time out to avoid them but don't stop my social life on their contact days.

Despite all these terrible faux pas we get on really well and we are all happy.

My step daughter calls me her second mum and her actual mum by her given name.

Drives everyone bonkers including me as I get the heat for what a ND child has decided to do. I have spoken to her repeatedly on it and nothing changes.

Also we weren't married when she started calling me her bonus mum/ step mum. Her choice I don't have to influence her and yet it's still my fault.

Baring that all good

I call DSS my step son but I'm not married to his dad yet 😲

My husband met my son after six months and moved in after twelve, later adopted him. He by choice called him Papa after about 6 weeks of him moving in.

I've never sat DH and his ex down and informed them that their child is now equally my child, whether they like it or not.

Not blended family as such as my partner has no kids, but he met my then 13yo son the day after our first date. 7 years together now.

I then met them in the park after about 3 months of dating and got to know them gradually, along with getting to know my partner rather waiting for a year and suddenly appearing as their dad's serious partner

This is a sensible approach. Obviously it differs for everyone subject to age/personality/background but I've always valued my son's opinion, it was just the 2 of us for about 4 years, and he's always been an independent lad. It would have felt very odd building up a year long relationship without him involved then wheeling a partner out.

Oh god yeah.

The most obvious one is the lack of relationship with my family - I find it really generous when my mum gets him a single Christmas present, as she barely knows him.

We go on holiday without him - though this one is somewhat circumstantial as we've only ever gone on one holiday that wasn't paid for/with my family, and that was only possible because we made use of term time prices we couldn't do with him.

I call him my DSC (on here) even though me and DP aren't married yet, as it's a LTR with two kids and it's just easier.

My DP does not deliberately carve out 1:1 time with him - we just all muck in together and if something he's doing happens to only be of interest to DSS they might get some time alone, but it's never an organised thing and never takes up a whole day. We don't have that much disposable income and don't get out that much, we're normally just knocking about the house, so if we were going out and paying for an activity it wouldn't really feel natural to just take him. 1:1 time was not a thing when I was a kid and doesn't really feel important to me.

This is kind of just a psychological one to do with how people are expected to think on here, but we don't really see ourselves as a "family unit" that is incomplete without DSS, or a "family of five" etc etc etc. We are very much a unit without him and he feels like a visitor added on, really. I consider this the natural outcome of only visiting EOW. We certainly don't turn down invites that don't include him while he isn't there, for instance, it would not occur to either me or DP to react like that, it's just a very natural part of our lives.

I don't get the parents who say things like they "demanded" their partner and their family treat their children equally to their own. My husband has never demanded or expected his children with his ex to be treated equally by me and my family to our children. He'd never do things like you see on here like refuse a wedding invite of some extended family member of mine because SC weren't invited. So far no one has needed therapy.

There are of course things that need to be equal just to function I.e. what behaviour is and isn't acceptable in the home and so on but there are loads of things I'd do for my child that I wouldn't for SC because they have their own parents.

Another one is me and SC have never really been physically affectionate with each other. I've been with DH nearly 10 years since they were quite young and I can count on one hand the amount of times we've hugged.

DSS is nearly 30 now - but when he was younger DH and I regularly took holidays without him. Although there were plenty of trips where he was included.

My wider family don’t really know DSS (there have been a few threads about this lately), I don’t think they consider themselves being related to him. I don’t think DSS considers them as relatives either. This has never caused any sort of issue on either side, but from some of the things I’ve read here recently, you would expect DSS to have been irreparably damaged by this …

Absolutely, I don't think I could be with my DP if he behaved like that. I often see threads with people saying "when I got together with my DP I put my foot down and insisted his parents treat my DC like their DGC or none of us would see them" and am staggered by the brass neck of it. And also kind of perplexed by why they would expect those people to have positive feelings about the child when that's how their mother has introduced herself to them.

Similarly when people say they'd go NC with their own family if they don't see their SC as their own, or expect SPs to. My family have been central to my life since I was born, far longer than even my DP. The idea that I would cut them off or sour relations with them because of anything to do with this is just not going to happen.

The children who live full time in this house have the bigger bedrooms, and they don’t have a mixed sex, small, shared room so that teens who visit 4 days a month can have the biggest space

Mangling is such a great word for this!

Yes, I've always said our DC who are here 24/7 aren't getting the box room.

For all the "treat them like your own" comments there's a "you're not their parent" comment. I am my DSDs parent. She says she has 2 mummies. I go to parents evenings, I implement rules and routines. I discipline her as I see fit. I pull my DH up if I don't agree with something he's doing. She calls me by my first name but I am her mum.

I provide childcare for my DSDs - apparently according to other threads I should stick my heels in and refuse, and let their parents work it out between them.

Clearly, I am totally outrageous for providing care for children that live in my home, am a downtrodden woman and am letting my DH walk all over me. Someone alert the authorities, I'm single-handedly putting the feminist movement back 50 years 🙄

I don’t treat them like they’re my own.

We occasionally go on holiday without them.

I think there's nothing wrong with that if you want to and are happy to do it. I don't want to personally and so I don't accept all the comments about how terrible that makes me 🤷‍♀️ got enough childcare to do with my own kids without doing it for children who already have two functioning parents. It's personal choice, neither is wrong imo.

@CrabbyMcPatty this is exactly it, it's all down to circumstances and choice isn't it. It's never a one-size-fits-all situation.

My DSDs live with us full time, and don't have any contact with their mum (and never will) so I feel that if I passed all over to DH without taking any of the slack, my DD would suffer from him being frazzled and not having any time for her. And I would feel like a royal arsehole ignoring two children (well one, the other is now 18 and pretty self sufficient!) who are with me 24/7.

I understand it's totally different for people who have them EOW, but hate being jumped on and bollocked for admitting that I treat them all the same. It's just what I do, I would feel wrong doing anything else 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely. It's all about personal choice. Many of the complaints on MN is when women aren't given the choice and it's just expected of them or dumped onto them, or their personal choice isn't respected.

If there was proper communication between the adults about expectations then there would be fewer issues.

Absolutely. It's all about personal choice. Many of the complaints on MN is when women aren't given the choice and it's just expected of them or dumped onto them, or their personal choice isn't respected.

Exactly

If there was proper communication between the adults about expectations then there would be fewer issues.

I don't think it is reasonable for parents to have any expectations regarding another adult providing them with regular free childcare. It should never be an expectation.