When you have a baby of your own...

[nutmegnit]

I'm just curious about step parent's opinions (and absolutely no judgement here from me) as to how they feel about existing stepchildren when they have a baby of their own, so this is more I suppose for step mum's who didn't have children beforehand.

Did you feel differently after you had a baby? How did you feel about your stepchildren getting involved with baby/holding them etc? Did it strengthen or weaken your bond with SC? Did it change your relationship with your partner/DH, and did you ever feel his parenting between his existing children and new baby was different or unfair, or not?

Just wondering about others' experiences on this.

Just commenting to follow the responses!

Better in many ways, worse in others. Couple of points below:

Positives - I understand the parent/child bond now which makes it easier to understand why my DH sometimes acts and does the things he does with SC.

SC is wonderful with their sibling which is lovely to see.

Negatives - we have SC EOWE and I find it much more annoying now that DH has to do a 250 mile pick up and drop off twice EOWE.

DH family constantly comparing my child to SC (especially because SC look so much like their mother)

My relationship with DSD changed in that I realised she would never see me as her mum or need me in the way my own DC do.

That could coincide with her age as she was around 2yo when DC was born so relationships were becoming more obvious, she was talking about her mum to us more, etc.

I love her to bits but I’ll never be her mum.

I'll answer totally honestly...

I wouldn't say my feelings changed toward DSC after our baby as I never really thought of them as like my own DC to begin with but it certainly strengthened that feeling. I knew instantly when I had my own DC that I'd never ever love or feel for DSC anything close to how I feel about my children. I don't personally follow the strict "must treat them exactly like your own" we see a lot on here. There are things I will do for my children that I would leave to DSCs parents for example and I don't feel like I need to do it for DSC just because I'll do it for my DC one day.

It has made me realise now how much I wish in ways that I'd chosen a different set up and ended up with a nuclear family. How much easier things would be if we only had to consider our household and our DC, not having to factor in an annoying ex and her schedule or older DC and younger DC etc. If I had my time again and could end up with the same children (impossible I know), I'd choose a man with no previous DC, without a doubt. This was something that never bothered me as much before having children of my own and seeing how these issues won't just affect me but my children as well.

It is nice seeing how much my children adore their older siblings and vice versa. It does make me feel more connected to them in the sense that I feel it would be impossible now to just completely walk away and not look back, for my child's sake and the sake of their relationship with their siblings, which is something I personally, myself, wouldn't find hard to do a lot of the time.

In terms of treatment from their shared parent, I feel this too sometimes. I know with certainty that my husband loves all of his children the same, I do not doubt that. I do see however that he has a lot of guilt about the older ones and he sometimes spoils them more than ours due to this. It does sometimes bother me but there is a large age gap so I'm just keeping an eye on it for now.

Oh and I have waaaaaay less patience. For everything not just DSC, since having DC of my own.

I used to do A LOT, more than I should have been doing really in terms of their care and I took a huge step back and placed that ball firmly back in my husbands and his exes court once our DC was born. It took my first child being born to realise I was being taken for a ride a bit by them both in terms of childcare sometimes.

And family, my family have always been kind to DSC but once my children were born it was very clear they didn't see DSC as their grandchildren or anything. The way they feel about our DC in comparison is obvious. Not that I or DH (or the kids) have a problem with that.

@GreyZone Not sure what age your DC is but how fo they cope with your DSC not always being around?

They are pre school. They don't cope too badly really. Sometimes not all the time, we have some tears when they are leaving to go to mums but more often than not they are fine, so far they don't ask much about their siblings when they aren't here. We have them 50:50 though so it's rarely more than a few days between them seeing each other.

It didn't change my feelings for the better or for the worse, really. I don't feel the warm and fuzzy feeling others mention seeing him bond with my DC, which I definitely do feel between my own now I have two.

I sometimes feel my DPs parenting isn't entirely fair - I think he has low expectations of DSS for his age and high expectations of DD1 for her age - but this isn't a major issue like it is in some families.

It didn’t change my feelings but it did make me understand that what I felt really was nowhere near what a biological parent feels. It also made me more respectful of DSCs mum and their role as I could imagine how it must feel to have someone else being part of bringing up your child.
I really enjoyed seeing the bond between my DSC and my own DC; I was very happy for her to be involved.
It did also change things with DH and the dynamics as I felt that I had to be quite forthright in putting my DC first, DSC had her mum to do that and DH trying to balance both so if I put DSC above my one DC then no one was looking out for them.

I was a mum before hand but I spit up with my ex when pregnant so dh was around at a younger age.

Tbh I didn't notice a change as I knew and DSc knew I wasn't their mother and I never pretended to be.

I certainly didn't expect the kick off from the ex (mad since she had been quite calm until now) and I didn't realise I have a much higher bar for my dc than I do my DSc. But that's because I have come to accept that people parent differently and bring those fowbells into how they raise their kids.

I didn't expect however that I would be consistently asked how "poor DSc" is getting on with the change. Even DSc had enough of being asked and was like why do they keep asking me namechangenancy. I just said some adults are weird and to not worry to much.

Made relationship with SC stronger.

Strengthen DH and his children's relationship.

SC love their sibling.

Just SC mum is who problematic.

I had HORRENDOUS PND and anxiety after my LO was born. With very little support due to covid. It must have been awful for my DSC as I was so over protective and crying all the time.

Dad explained to them I was ill and now a few years down the line I feel my bond with them is much stronger. They've helped me out but respect when I say no. I love seeing my LO's siblings. If anything I think I'm closer to them than I was before.

As PP said though it made me realise I didn't feel anywhere near the love for them I did my own but also that that's ok