Moving in together if you have almost adult children

[Thisisme23]

Hi - I'm not even sure what board to post this in - so hope there are some helpful voices on here

My partner and I both have older teenage and adult children and we've begun thinking about moving in together. No definite plans yet but just in the considering stage.

My question is - how to go about moving in together successfully - while still considering the adult/near adult children. On both sides the children only live with us alternate weekends (generally)
I mean - even deciding where to move too - I can see being a bit of a nightmare. Only one of the children drives ATM. So how do we even decide where to live - as wherever we end up - some of the children will end up being farther from their social activities/work etc etc.
Also - assuming we stick to same pattern the children will all be with us at the same time - so if we try to give each one a bedroom of their own it means a 5 bed house - which is beyond our budget by a mile.
There are a thousand other considerations - with 6 peoples interests to be factored in and I'm struggling to see how we can do it. It is likely to be years before any of the children are living independently .

On the one hand I really do love DP - and I want to live with him full-time - but with all the children it just seems like we'll never work out what to do - so alternative is to wait who knows maybe 5-7+ years before the kids all have their own homes?? Do I need to wait that long??

Has anyone successfully moved in with a partner while having older teens or adult children?

Is this something you could discuss with both sets of children to get a better sense of their expectations and plans?

Looking at the years ahead, it's not feasible to maintain individual bedrooms for four adults. But could you have two spare rooms with twin beds?

I don't think you need to wait for them to have their own homes - that could take decades! If you're keen to move away then perhaps better to wait until the youngest is at Uni or working.

What age and sex are they all. I think you have to be prepared for the face that doing this will probably bring an end to much of the contact.

Young adults have their lives around their main home, study, friends and jobs.

They also aren't going to want to share. Contact arrangements always come to an end at some point, this just might make it quicker.

Are you on the same page regarding your DC's future? DH and I will always allow our children to come home if needed, as long as we are able. There wouldn't ever be an age where we would say no to this.

Have you had this conversation to make sure you are on the same page?

Ime it is very difficult having more than 2 adults living together when not all from the 'original' family....

It depends how old they are, but in all honesty it doesn’t sound workable and therefore you’ll need to continue living apart for now.

So do you only have all 4 children 2 weekends a month and no other time in between?

If so and they are 4 almost (or already) adult children a 5 bed house seems crazy!

I think ages makes a real difference.

If the children are only present every other weekend, start out by spending the rest of the time together to see how livi together goes.

Be aware that if a parent tells a young adult child they are no longer welcome to live with them, it may irretrievably ruin their relationship.

Thanks for replies so far.

Yes I realise this is going to be difficult - hence the post.
Thanks @slopsan the idea of trying living together during "child free" time is an interesting one - so possibly one to explore.

The kids are all 16-18 and all girls. We have spent holidays together and also meals and days out together on various occasions and seem to get on ok - although obvs i Know living together is a whole different ball game.

I'd never make any of them feel unwelcome @slopsan not sure where that come from. For sure I've always told mine they will always have a space living with me - regardless of age or circumstances - should they want it. My partners girls adore him and are always very keen to spend time with him (and me). Although yes having a huge house just for their weekends seems ridiculous also!!

I'm sure things will change over next 12 months as the 2 younger (16 yrs) start college/sixth form so we'll probably re-assess in a yr or so. None of them are likely to go to university.
When 2 of them can drive and have a car that will also open possibilities as they will be more flexible and mobile.

I was just really wondering if there was anyone out there who had done this - moved in with older children or young adults - and how you went about it.

I'd wait, given their ages. You've done the hard slog for many years, a few more won't matter. If you only have the "children" on weekends you can live together 4 or 5 days a week, and spend the time focusing on your respective dc at the weekends.
4 teenage girls raging with hormones and angst thrown together in a house will probably not go well.

I'd wait. The time will pass and you will have moved on to a new phase of your own life so fast as they move out. It will be so much easier for you to plan when you do not have to accommodate all of them overnight at the same time. It will also be easier to know where you want to live rather than have the cost of potentially moving twice.

It takes adjustment to live with someone else just at the level of you and your partner and it is much easier to do that when it is just the two of you.

Honestly? You haven’t got a hope in hell of making that work.

I’d advise aiming for an arrangement where you and the boyfriend live together part-time, whenever that’s possible. Look at it as getting the best of both worlds - a partner, and your own home & space for you and your DDs to relax in. And no expensive house moves that will potentially trap you into property and relationship limbo.

Our dc were at university when we moved in together. They had a choice of where to live in holidays (including my exh keeping the fmh until they left university by arrangement with me) but they chose to live with us ... currently have one dd each living here (other 2 live independently now)

Yes - staggering as it may sound on Mums net - not everybody follows the path to university.
In the real world only about 40% of people apply to Uni.

As your children will soon be independent, ie not live with either of you part-time, can you not wait until then? I think it could be awkward otherwise and you'd need a big place.

For fucks sake

This isn't a post about the academic potential of our children.

I'm just going to see how things go. (which is what I was going to do anyway)
I was just wondering if anyone in MN world had done this. Obviously not.

I'm inclined to agree.
In my set we've agreed to maintain separate homes until all kids are on their own two feet.
(And even after, separate homes is rather lovely so not 100% we'll ever actually live together. Unless there's a need to consolidate living costs as a couple, I'm not I can convince myself the upsides outweighs the downsides).

What is wrong with keeping separate households?

I know various people because they have an adult child living at home due to health reasons, have kept a separate household from their long term partner. Though in most cases the partner lives within 5 miles of them.

The only other thing is to wait until your children are all 19+ so are all adults. As they have their other parent to live with you could then get a house with 3 decent sized bedrooms allowing 2 of them to live with you. (You may get a 4 bedroom house with a small bedroom, or a 3 bedroom house with one small bedroom but a dining room you could turn into a bedroom.) This would mean the 2 who don't live with you could only visit.

I wouldn't do it to be honest. Adult kids of your own are hard to live with, never mind adult stepkids.