Hypothetically could they call him “dad”?

[AliceUK]

My DP is an excellent step parent to my children, I can’t fault him. They still see their dad (my ex) every weekend, but the relationship is tumultuous and there is a history of domestic abuse from him towards me. He still controls and gaslights me to this day, only I’m wiser to it now. He’s a real nasty piece of work and every time I have to have any sort of contact I find myself wishing he was out of the picture, but I know this won’t happen unless he goes to prison (again) or dies (unlikely but he is reckless and has been hit by a car recently and gets into numerous fights so I wouldn’t be overly surprised, not that I’d wish that on him despite everything). I’m not saying I want him to lose contact with his kids, but it does make me wonder… when a biological parent is out of the picture but hates the step parent (for no good reason other than jealousy) would it be acceptable for the step parent to take on the title of “dad” or take the step parent’s surname? That is what I would want so we would all have the same family name when my DP and I marry in the near future, but I feel that my ex (if alive) and his family would be forever bitter about it. What do other families do? I have known step parents to take on these titles and the kids to change names but only ever in the context that the biological parent had passed away when the family was still a happy unit, or the parent in question had never been present in the first place and wanted nothing to do with the child, but never a situation like this one. I know I have to put up with him until the kids are grown or decide they too have had enough (social services have their eye on him with regards to the children but haven’t put any measures in place at this point, but he’s not always great with them), but I had this burning hypothetical question that kept coming up in my mind and was curious to know if it’s ok to assume my DP could be known as dad and I could change their surnames if we ever ended up in that territory or if it’s a no go (children are currently under 5 if that makes a difference) thoughts appreciated, it’s not a major thing more of a curiosity because I doubt I’ll ever be in that position

They’re very young. How long have you been with your partner? Why can’t he change his name rather than several people changing theirs to match his?

My step son calls me Mum. He asked when he was 10. His Mummy died when he was a toddler. It still took me time to be comfortable with that (and only when his maternal grandmother urged me to do it and stated that she believed her daughter would have been happy with it did I agree).

It has to be lead by the child/ren entirely imo.

It’s also not an acceptable thing to do imo when the father is still around.

I don’t believe children’s names should be changed, especially once they’re old enough to know their name.

They can absolutely call him dad if they want to. It's a privilege some biological fathers simply don't deserve.

But no don't change their names ( or yours for that matter) to his. They have their identity. If they aren't particularly bothered by it pick a new name from your own family that they have a connection with. He can change it to yours. Men don't own names.

My dd1 calls my partner Dad , she is 24 and her bio dad , has had no contact whatsoever with her since she was 5 .

Let your kids decide, they'll work it out. I've been lucky enough for the past 35 years to have 2 dads that I've called dad. People still sometimes ask me to clarify when I say "my dad", they say your real or step. I answer but to me it's not really a thing, they both mean the same to me. And yes, I love them both the same. They're different and brought different things to my life but that's through their personalities, interests and areas of knowledge! I'd call one if I needed DIY or nature knowledge, the other if I needed sport, cooking or maths.
My much older brothers never called him dad but I was 3 when we met and they were in their early 20s. But they still love him and feel the same way about having 2 dads, this has been discussed more recently as we have mentally lost him to dementia and are all struggling.

They’re under 5 but most under 5s know their name, so for that reason alone I wouldn’t as it would be so confusing to explain to them why. In addition to the fact they see their father every weekend.

Could you double barrel their names with you and your ex, and your own with you and current partner’s maybe ?

And that way if they decide to do it later, first they still keep your maiden one, and they have the same as your new one (yours and step dads double barreled).
Just a suggestion, seems a bit less confusing to me and leaves the door open.
As for calling him dad, it may be similarly confusing, presumably they call their father dad currently ? And by the time you get married, presumably at least eldest in school so could be awkward for them.

I get the motivation and that it feels unfair, but I’m unsure it’s worth confusing one or several. Especially if ex’s family gets involved in the explanation, could get messy. May just be easier explaining their life history in an age appropriate way in anticipation of you getting married.

They’ll be aware already, and increasingly when older, of who takes care of them day to day, and has the love bond, that’s the most important part really isn’t it ? It’s great that they have a relationship, I wouldn’t risk rocking the boat with any confusion.

I get a sense that this would be more to meet
YOUR needs / desires for you to be a perfect nuclear unit of 4, with a re-written history where your new DP fathered your children, rather than the man you actually did choose to do that originally.

Whilst your ex might’ve shown himself to be sketchy / violent / unreliable (delete as appropriate) you can’t erase the fact that he is your children’s father and they are half him and half you.

Be very careful about the signals you’re sending to your DC’s about wanting to replace their Dad & push him out the picture - they will internalise this as dislike of them also, that half of themselves is flawed / not good enough. You will do your DC’s lasting damage with these attitudes / messages.

My DS(6) calls my partner dad. His legal dad stopped seeing him over a year ago - he is adopted so there’s no bio link with his legal dad either. He was awful to him, unable to cope with his SEN and left him with bruises and abuse. My DP has been in his life since he was 3, and he stepped up right from the start. After my ex stopped seeing DS, DS didn’t want to call him dad anymore and started to refer to him by his first name when speaking about him. He started asking my DP to be his dad around this time last year and my DP was happy with it. He is very much his dad.

You can't change their surname without their father's permission (assuming he is on the birth certificate).

I don't see a problem with them calling their step father "dad", although I suspect your ex might see it differently given how you describe him.

That's your experience- my DP calls his stepfather dad and has done for years, he also changed his name to his. His real father is a waste of cells.

@Godlovesall26

most under 5s know their name

nonsense. Most under 5's know their surname?? 🤣🤣

just have a wee think about that statement.

@AliceUK if both you & he want him to be known as Dad, just keep referring to him as Dad (and their Bio Dad as Daddy). You have to refer to him as something, so you choose between Dad, 'Mike', Papa - whatever.

As their Dad is active in their lives, I'd chose a different name for the new bloke, Daddy Mike and leave their Dad as Dad. When they think their too old for Daddy, they're old enough to differentiate in another way.

you can't change their surname without their Dads permission. He's unlikely to agree, especially to another blokes name, but I'd see if he'd give me permission to change it to MY surname. Then new bloke can change his to yours if he wants to all have the same surname.

Be careful rushing in with new bloke.

Change your name and the kids' to something that's nothing to do with a man, stop deriving your identities from men, so weird in 2023.

She can't change the children's names without their father's permission or a court order (and he can't change them without hers)