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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hypothetically could they call him “dad”?

39 replies

AliceUK · 14/08/2023 23:39

My DP is an excellent step parent to my children, I can’t fault him. They still see their dad (my ex) every weekend, but the relationship is tumultuous and there is a history of domestic abuse from him towards me. He still controls and gaslights me to this day, only I’m wiser to it now. He’s a real nasty piece of work and every time I have to have any sort of contact I find myself wishing he was out of the picture, but I know this won’t happen unless he goes to prison (again) or dies (unlikely but he is reckless and has been hit by a car recently and gets into numerous fights so I wouldn’t be overly surprised, not that I’d wish that on him despite everything). I’m not saying I want him to lose contact with his kids, but it does make me wonder… when a biological parent is out of the picture but hates the step parent (for no good reason other than jealousy) would it be acceptable for the step parent to take on the title of “dad” or take the step parent’s surname? That is what I would want so we would all have the same family name when my DP and I marry in the near future, but I feel that my ex (if alive) and his family would be forever bitter about it. What do other families do? I have known step parents to take on these titles and the kids to change names but only ever in the context that the biological parent had passed away when the family was still a happy unit, or the parent in question had never been present in the first place and wanted nothing to do with the child, but never a situation like this one. I know I have to put up with him until the kids are grown or decide they too have had enough (social services have their eye on him with regards to the children but haven’t put any measures in place at this point, but he’s not always great with them), but I had this burning hypothetical question that kept coming up in my mind and was curious to know if it’s ok to assume my DP could be known as dad and I could change their surnames if we ever ended up in that territory or if it’s a no go (children are currently under 5 if that makes a difference) thoughts appreciated, it’s not a major thing more of a curiosity because I doubt I’ll ever be in that position

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 14/08/2023 23:41

Perhaps another father related name?

Shinyandnew1 · 14/08/2023 23:42

If he was no longer alive, then yes, if the children wanted to-otherwise, no.

Stomacharmeleon · 14/08/2023 23:43

He can still be A role model without a label. A father figure. Have the children got your surname then?
Perhaps your ex dislikes your partner as he feels his role is being usurped?

TossacointoHenryCavill · 14/08/2023 23:45

Stepdad could take your surname, and if the kids have your surname already, you’d all match. There’s nothing your ex could do about that and you wouldn’t even have to tell him about it.

QueenofLouisiana · 14/08/2023 23:47

I’d take the lead from the children. After 40 years, my stepdad is still FirstName to me and my mum is FirstName to his kids. I’m very happy to be referred to as his daughter, my son calls his Granddad, I just never call him Dad. (I consider him my father, but pesky biology gets in the way)

Original poster

AliceUK · 14/08/2023 23:49

Thanks everyone, and unfortunately the kids have their dad’s surname (we were due to get married so gave his surname from the start but I had a lucky escape there)

OP posts:

SD1978 · 14/08/2023 23:50

What have the kids asked to do? I would t be labelling a partner on behalf of kids, u til/ unless they ask. They see their dad every weekend- I'd wait until and if they ask for a different title for him.

rainbowlou · 14/08/2023 23:50

My daughter’s biological dad is an absolute waste of space, has treated us both terribly.
She one day, without my knowledge blurted out to my then partner of 6 years ‘can I call you dad’”?’
It took him by total surprise but ultimately after discussing it as agreed if it was what she wanted then it was fine.
She calls him by his first name to his face, but in birthday/Father’s Day cards and when talking about him to others she refers to him as dad (also Dad in her phone contacts!)
when we got married she changed her surname by deed poll.
She had a few digs over text from my ex about her ‘fake’ new family and her ‘fake’ new name but all he did was upset her and alienate her more.

blackbeardsballsack · 14/08/2023 23:59

You can't do a step parent adoption whilst the children's actual father is involved in their lives.

You can't be stopped from encouraging the children to call your DP 'dad' but I think it's confusing as they have a biological dad that they see.

I know it would be nicer if he was their dad and if you all had the same surnames but you can't just rewrite history.

BarelyLiterate · 15/08/2023 00:08

As someone who was once a child in this position: Absolutely not.

My father is ‘Dad’. Always has been, always will be, irrespective of anything he may or may not have done. Because he is my father. Full stop. End of.

My mum’s second husband is ‘Tom’. Always has been, always will be. Because he is NOT, and will never be, my father, irrespective of what a good bloke he may or may not be. Full stop. End of.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/08/2023 00:11

No you can't rewrite history and changing names can be very unsettling.

Let them have their stepf support and keep their names.

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 00:17

They have a father you chose for them, there is no need to call anyone else dad

If those too on their own fine

NewNameNigel · 15/08/2023 00:20

Your post talks a lot about now you think that your partner is a good father figure to the kids and how you'd like to give them your dp's name but doesn't mention what the kids might want.

I know that this is hypothetical but you can't erase that fact that your ex is your children's father. He wlll always be part of them.

If they want to change their names and call him dad than that's their decision alone. It shouldn't be part of a fantasy life where you didn't make a poor choice for their father.

snatchabook · 15/08/2023 00:30

I called (and Still do) my stepdad 'Dad' while still in contact with my bio dad. Bio Dad isn't nasty at all but a bit rubbish and my stepfather raised me and did all the Dad stuff. I know he thinks of me as his own. My bio Dad doesn't know I also call stepdad Dad and I imagine it would hurt him. But that's how I view him so that's what I call him. However, I started in my lateish teens and it was my idea, nobody else's. Neither he nor my mum had any expectations around this. I just started calling him Dad one day, it was never discussed. I imagine it must have surprised him 12 or so years in! My point is, I think its up to the kids what they call him, you shouldnt ask them to, and it's irrelevant whether or not bio dad is in their lives.

Alex Drake · 15/08/2023 00:33

BarelyLiterate · 15/08/2023 00:08

As someone who was once a child in this position: Absolutely not.

My father is ‘Dad’. Always has been, always will be, irrespective of anything he may or may not have done. Because he is my father. Full stop. End of.

My mum’s second husband is ‘Tom’. Always has been, always will be. Because he is NOT, and will never be, my father, irrespective of what a good bloke he may or may not be. Full stop. End of.

As someone who was once a child in this position: Absolutely yes.

Yes, my Dad is my biological Dad (who was married to my mum when I was born) and I saw him throughout my childhood. He wasn't part of 'my' family. Initially 'my' family was my mum and I, then when I was 6 yrs old my got a new partner and we became a family of 3.

When I was 9 yrs old my baby brother was born and my mum got married to her partner, I was delighted and asked if I could start calling him Dad. Having two Dad's is fine, I mean most of us at one stage have more than one gran and grandad.

Anyway, my biological dad was a bit hit and miss to say the least with contact, and I started to be a bit more bothered that I didn't have the same surname as the rest of my family. My mum broached the subject of adoption with my biological dad and he agreed. At that time (not sure if it's different now) my mum had to actually 'give' me up for adoption for my mum and dad to then formally adopt me together. It was the full process with social workers involved and we had to go to court etc. the adoption went through when I was 12 yrs.

Since then Jack (my biological father) has been a very distant relative but I am truly thankful that I'm my Dad's daughter in the eyes of the law and every way possible, he's an amazing man who is now a very devoted grandad to my own children. Family is what you make it, not just flesh and blood and shared genes.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 15/08/2023 00:36

I think if the idea of calling him Dad comes from the DC and not you/your DP then that's fine. I know their Dad might not like it, but it sounds like he's been a shit Dad anyway.

You won't be able to change their name without his permission (assuming he's on the BC) although they can do it themselves at 16.
I think they can be "known as" any name you like before then, but I'm not sure how you do that.

Precipice · 15/08/2023 01:03

What benefit do you think this would give them? Them, not you?

Do you think you would have liked at age 5 (or under 5, but presumably not tiny baby) to be told to suddenly call a family figure who was not your parent "Mum" or "Dad", after previously calling them "Uncle Bill" or "Mike"?

I don't know any stepfamilies that call the stepparents Mum or Dad, only ones that call the stepparent by their name. I find this suggestion very odd and, as someone who had stepparents on both sides, I've certainly never wanted to use these titles for them. I find changing the surname to the new stepfather's even more bizarre.

travelogue · 15/08/2023 01:29

My sDSis called my Dad "Dad" from when she was about 2yrs old because she heard me call him that so she copied. Even though she had an actual biological (and totally useless) dad who she still saw for quite a few years before going NC as a teen. She also took my Dad's surname. He brought her up as his own. If your DC instigate it I would say it's fine. Don't make them though.

panko · 15/08/2023 06:40

Leave it to the kids for it to develop naturally if it does.

I think it would be odd to give them his surname. Like you're pretending they are his. Unless he adopts them.

panko · 15/08/2023 06:41

And as PP said make sure whatever you do it is for the kids not so you can playpretend their actual dad doesn't exsist

MiddleParking · 15/08/2023 06:54

I can’t understand why you’re asking this question or talking about ‘if the other parent is out of the picture’ when they see your ex every weekend. Also the bit about social services is weird - did you report your ex to social services and they concluded they didn’t need to put any measures in place? Your post also talks a bit about if he dies before you and your new man marry in the near future and you talk about that like it would be a value neutral thing rather than probably one of the worst most traumatising things that could happen to your very young children. All sounds incredibly odd on your part.

liveforsummer · 15/08/2023 06:59

This seems to be more about what you want than the dc (who are too young to know really anyway). I don't think you should consider changing the name. That's their identity and a choice for them when they are much older. Calling dad is also something that should come naturally for them and is unlikely while dad is in the picture

leonde · 15/08/2023 07:05

Let your kids lead on this. If they eventually start calling him dad of their own accord then that's lovely. But don't enforce it or try to suggest that they do. As a step-child myself, I can't tell you how confusing and unsettling that would have been.

Also do not change your children's names.

Their father is their father, for better or worse, they are related to him by blood and they see him regularly. You can't just introduce a new parent and change their names to make things fit your imagined neat family picture.

If your children want to change their names in the future, they will tell you. It's not a decision you should be making for them.

Augend23 · 15/08/2023 07:06

I don't know how it would work, in terms of what approval you'd need from the children's father.

But it would presumably be less problematic to change their name to your maiden name and then keep your name - your partner could then take your name if you want to have matching surnames as a family?

lunar1 · 15/08/2023 07:28

The children's dad is involved so lots of this isn't really relevant.

If an older child, capable of understanding wants to use mum/dad for a stepparent then fair enough. But it shouldn't be encouraged in any way for children as young as yours.

Your children's names are theirs, once they have been given, that should be it unless it's for child protection or adoption.

It's not for you to change to accommodate every new partner you meet. Their name is part of their identity, if you all want the same name, you can both change to match your DC. If it's that important, you and your partner can live with the hassle of the 'have you ever been known by another name' option on paperwork.

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