Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Can't do it anymore

52 replies

Mich123x · 14/08/2023 22:06

I've been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2 months. He has 2 children, 5 year old son with his ex-girlfriend and 11 year old (nearly 12) daughter with his ex-wife. We have both children every other weekend and his daughter an extra 2 days a week.

Yes, when I met him, I knew he had children and they would be part of our lives. But my god, I didn't think it would be this difficult. There is no discipline. Well, there is with the 5 year old, to the point where he is constantly moaned at which is quite sad to watch sometimes because I think he is just craving attention because he isn't here as often. The 11 year old gets away with everything. She is untidy, rude, and interrupts every time we try to talk. When I say untidy, it's to the point where she doesn't even put her dirty tissues in the bin. He is adamant that he does discipline them both the same but then, on the other hand, says he doesn't want to always look like the bad guy because they aren't here often enough. I hate to say it, but I believe the 11 year old is treated with favouritism.

When they are together, it is a nightmare. The 11 year old actually winds the 5 year old up more, and when he gets his own back, she gets into a strop, and she is comforted by her Dad. It is getting the point where I dread the weekends when we have them and try to plan things with friends or family so I don't have to be here.

We aren't in the best financial situation and don't have a large group of friends or family we can spend time with so if the weather is nice we just go to a park which is getting very boring now and if the weather is rubbish we stay inside and I just sit on my phone otherwise I'll pull my hair out.

I cook meals when they're both here but they are the fussiest children so I have to always cook the same meals otherwise it will just go in the bin and they are still given pudding! For lunch, all they eat is super noodles!

I guess I'm just having a rant, I don't mean to sound rude, but it is just becoming so difficult. My husband says to discipline them myself, but the 11 year old has said to me in the past Dad let's me etc then she'll go running off to him. The 5 year old does listen to me maybe because of his age and I've known him from a young age.

It's got to the point where I distance myself and if they are playing up I just ignore them and let my husband deal with it.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 16/08/2023 10:38

He expects you to be around when the children are there, expects you to cook and parent them, expects you to use AL to look after them and he still has the audacity to loan that you haven't washed up?!!! What exactly are you getting out of this set up?

NewNovember · 16/08/2023 10:48

You sound a bit wet and immature use a different washing up liquid or rubber gloves. Spend time with the dc the 12 year old sounds perfectly normal. And yes obviously you don't withhold pudding so you want them to have food issues?

BarrelOfOtters · 16/08/2023 11:02

@NewNovember nice way to be supportive.

BarrelOfOtters · 16/08/2023 11:03

If he wants a nanny, housekeeper and cleaner he should pay for one.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/08/2023 11:05

Mich123x · 15/08/2023 21:32

Yeah he is older than me. I always have to be here when the kids are here, I can never go out. In the past I've also been told I need to use my leave to look after them as he can't always take the time off. I put my foot down with that one. I'm on minimum amount of leave per year and I want some time off for me sometimes to see my family etc

So he’s a shit father who sees you as a childminder.

Why stay?

Surely watching him fail his children on a daily basis is making him more unattractive by the day?

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 11:05

What a horrible situation. You have 2 choices. I know which one I'd make.

Mrsjayy · 16/08/2023 11:08

StSwithinsDay · 14/08/2023 22:09

At least you know what kind of father he is so you can make an informed decision about whether or not you would have a child with him yourself.
It all sounds shit really.

That. He Is an ineffectual parent he will be the same with yours if you have any. Don't look after them..

Mrsjayy · 16/08/2023 11:09

He also sounds a terrible husband probably why he has a few exes along the way.

Sandra1984 · 16/08/2023 11:10

Why are you mothering and taking care of his kids? That’s his job, not yours. If he wants his kids in the weekend he needs to care for them, that includes cooking and washing. My mum remarried too when I was a child, I love the guy but I never saw my stepdad cooking or washing for me, that would have been really akward. Why does society expect for women to be free nannies?

Reugny · 16/08/2023 11:14

BarrelOfOtters · 16/08/2023 08:22

He wants a nanny not a partner. Stop doing the cooking, go out and have a life. And frankly, as a SM, I’d say what is the point of this for you. Life is passing you by why you act as nanny for a disengaged dad.

This.

The quicker you get rid of this deadbeat the quicker you can move on with your life. You are never too old to find someone else (if that's what you want).

JenniferBooth · 16/08/2023 13:02

OP him trying to prevent you going out comes under coercive control Contact Womens Aid

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 21:21

He sounds absolutely bloody horrible. He's a rubbish father and a terrible husband. He is just using you for childcare.

I would get the hell out of there as fast as I could.

Id578 · 18/08/2023 11:32

Sandra1984 · 16/08/2023 11:10

Is this not more divisive, though? Perhaps what the DC need to see is OP and DH working together more, not less - DSD might find it harder to play up if her dad and SM take the same approach and work together. Having said that, OP was definitely right not to use leave to look after his kids - CF!

Marwoodsbigbreak · 18/08/2023 22:10

I don’t understand why you married him when it’s like this. Can you explain?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 00:13

Marwoodsbigbreak · 18/08/2023 22:10

I don’t understand why you married him when it’s like this. Can you explain?

What is the point in daft posts like this?

Maybe you have a crystal ball but most people don’t. It’s spectacularly unhelpful and puts people off reaching out for help

SomewhereWithSomeone · 19/08/2023 00:41

YetMoreNewBeginnings

I’d usually agree, but as she only married him very recently, 2 months ago, and presumably all this can’t have happened in a few weeks, why the fuck did she marry him?

Bouncyball23 · 19/08/2023 01:07

But you have known about them for 4 years only married him 2 months ago was their no issues 3 months ago? Or is it now because your married you think you trump his kids needs?

Why marry him if you can't handle his kids??

TomatoSandwiches · 19/08/2023 03:10

He can't afford a nanny for his part time children and staff to cook and clean so he found a naive younger woman who was willing to go along with the majority of what he wants.
If you get the courage to actually leave this user he will find someone else to fill the role, don't waste your life on a man like this.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 19/08/2023 03:24

You say you can’t do it, but why are you still there? You could leave and live the life you wanted to.

Autieangel · 19/08/2023 05:50

Honestly it sounds awful and you are being treated badly. I'd walk away now.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/08/2023 06:07

Wow

His kids. He can parent :look after :cook for them

Go and see friends

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 08:03

There is nothing daft about asking the OP why on earth she married into a situation like this which clearly hasn't been working for her for longer than two months.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 19/08/2023 08:16

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 00:13

What is the point in daft posts like this?

Maybe you have a crystal ball but most people don’t. It’s spectacularly unhelpful and puts people off reaching out for help

Show quote history

I would agree if OP had been married for several years, or if she had explained that DH behaviour changed radically once married.

In this situation it’s really hard to understand. Sometimes an explanation reveals further understanding of underlying issues. Childhood abuse for example.

I feel very sorry for this OP and if she were my DD I would be encouraging her to leave.

converseandjeans · 19/08/2023 18:12

Tbh the things the kids are doing sound quite normal & I think if they were your own you would just have to sort it out. Fussy with food, late to bed in school hols, sitting on phone all sound quite standard.

However they are not yours & it's madness you aren't able to do your own thing while they are staying. It does seem that he wants someone else to help him out with childcare.

They aren't going to change overnight. Can you find some common ground with his daughter & get to know her better? I can't see why you would get married to someone with two children if you're not on board with spending time with them. It doesn't sound like much fun as a newly wed.

MissyPea · 19/08/2023 18:34

Food issues from withholding pudding if they don’t eat their main? Sounds more of an excuse to pander to wants tbh, allowing pudding when not eating the (hopefully) healthier bit is far worse. Children would eat junk for every meal given the choice, leading to health issues in many ways. Far more important to teach children why it’s important to eat the good food over the junk.

Flip

1 2 3