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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can't do it anymore

52 replies

Mich123x · 14/08/2023 22:06

I've been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2 months. He has 2 children, 5 year old son with his ex-girlfriend and 11 year old (nearly 12) daughter with his ex-wife. We have both children every other weekend and his daughter an extra 2 days a week.

Yes, when I met him, I knew he had children and they would be part of our lives. But my god, I didn't think it would be this difficult. There is no discipline. Well, there is with the 5 year old, to the point where he is constantly moaned at which is quite sad to watch sometimes because I think he is just craving attention because he isn't here as often. The 11 year old gets away with everything. She is untidy, rude, and interrupts every time we try to talk. When I say untidy, it's to the point where she doesn't even put her dirty tissues in the bin. He is adamant that he does discipline them both the same but then, on the other hand, says he doesn't want to always look like the bad guy because they aren't here often enough. I hate to say it, but I believe the 11 year old is treated with favouritism.

When they are together, it is a nightmare. The 11 year old actually winds the 5 year old up more, and when he gets his own back, she gets into a strop, and she is comforted by her Dad. It is getting the point where I dread the weekends when we have them and try to plan things with friends or family so I don't have to be here.

We aren't in the best financial situation and don't have a large group of friends or family we can spend time with so if the weather is nice we just go to a park which is getting very boring now and if the weather is rubbish we stay inside and I just sit on my phone otherwise I'll pull my hair out.

I cook meals when they're both here but they are the fussiest children so I have to always cook the same meals otherwise it will just go in the bin and they are still given pudding! For lunch, all they eat is super noodles!

I guess I'm just having a rant, I don't mean to sound rude, but it is just becoming so difficult. My husband says to discipline them myself, but the 11 year old has said to me in the past Dad let's me etc then she'll go running off to him. The 5 year old does listen to me maybe because of his age and I've known him from a young age.

It's got to the point where I distance myself and if they are playing up I just ignore them and let my husband deal with it.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 14/08/2023 22:09

At least you know what kind of father he is so you can make an informed decision about whether or not you would have a child with him yourself.
It all sounds shit really.

WomanAtWork · 14/08/2023 22:16

Well he is a dad so you are rather stuck, after 4 years you must have sort of known it wasn’t going to magically improve?

have you thought about getting more one-on-one time with the dd? You might be able to find something you can do in common. The five year old should be easy.

and of course you should help keep some discipline- it’s your home too. Kids respond well to praise so try and notice when they do something good.

Regarding cooking - have you thought of getting them both involved? They might enjoy it more if they helped to cook

BreadInCaptivity · 14/08/2023 22:46

SM here.

Imho the problem is that you and your DH are not on the same page.

Whilst that's the case it's never going to work and frankly I'd get out now before committing further by having children of your own.

We have age appropriate house rules and sanctions for breaking them.

Pretty simple. Think respecting each others space and property. No physical violence. No winding up/bullying behaviour. Keep your own and communal spaces tidy. Do (age appropriate) chores such as loading your own plate into the dishwasher or putting your Lego in a box before bedtime.

Sanctions include loss of pocket money and screen time.

As a result we don't get situations where one parent can sanction and the other lets it go, because we all agreed to the rules. If I sanction they know running to DH won't change anything as he will simply say "you knew the house rule and consequences".

You either get your H to agree to a parenting framework in the home that works for both of you or you might as well walk.

IME men who say they are afraid to discipline their children are mostly lazy parents. It's bugger all for most, anything to do with their kids refusing to spend time with them.

Children need (age appropriate) boundaries and it's when those are lacking and where children know they can behave badly without consequences, that the problems just escalate.

As well as boundaries it's also about having fun. I wonder how much time your H invests in thinking about things to do with the kids the whole family will enjoy.

You mention the park - but frankly there are a hell of a lot of things you can do that are fun/low cost if you do a bit of local research; even just making banana bread in the kitchen and basic cooking can be fun. Buy some cheap chocolate/sweets and do a treasure hunt around the house/garden making up your own clues etc. DS used to love helping DH wash the car for example.

I'll bet from what you posted, his time invested in entertaining his children is pretty low/non existent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2023 23:33

Had you not lived with him before you married him? It sounds awful but also like it’s been awful for long before you married him so tbh I’m not sure why you did.

What are you going to do?

Busubaba · 14/08/2023 23:39

By not wanting to be seen as being the bad guy he actually is the bad guy and a bad parent by his ineffectual parenting.

The older girl is spoilt and it's probably too late to change her attitude.

I don't think this is going to work out well in the long term.

He hot with you when his children were very young and the daughter is probably always going to feel resentful about the situation.

I certainly wouldn't bring another child into the mix as it will escalate all the problems you are having now.

I would accept that you've made a mistake and split.

He needs to work on being a good parent before he can commit to another relationship.

panko · 15/08/2023 06:43

That's the way to sort it out really- stop doing the cooking etc and let DH sort it out. Unless mine were actually injuring each other I left them too it and let DH know if he wasn't in the room that they were fighting so I'm leaving him to it

SomewhereWithSomeone · 15/08/2023 06:58

He’s a crap father and has a favourite child. Use that information wisely for your future. I’d strongly advise not having children with him if that was in your plans. It’s not situation I’d stay in tbh because he sounds awful.

Reugny · 15/08/2023 15:27

By not wanting to be seen as being the bad guy he actually is the bad guy and a bad parent by his ineffectual parenting.

Agreed.

Not having boundaries and rules doesn't make children like you any better, which poor parents like him don't realise. It will play out more as the children get older and can physically decide who they can spend their time with.

As PPs have stated as you aren't on the same page parenting and if you want to have children you need to split up. However if you own/have mortgaged joint property with him you need to be careful as you will probably find yourself out of pocket due to marrying him, as it is now his children's home.

Original poster
Mich123x · 15/08/2023 20:37

We're defo not having children together. We're in a 2 bed house and can't afford to move to a 4 bed anytime soon. Plus I have a few medical problems which will affect the pregnancy so I've decided to now have my own even though I'd love to.

I've managed to plan to go out with my friends this Saturday, who I haven't seen in 3 months or so, I got moaned at because we have the children. We have the kids for the next 2 whole weeks and both weekends because of the summer holidays, so I'm sure I'm allowed out one day!

I did dinner tonight but made a separate meal for the 11 year old as she is fussy. He has just got back from the shops with her and moaned at me because I didn't do the washing up, even though he knows I can't do the washing up because I get a really bad reaction from the washing up liquid.

I'm now sitting here quietly on the sofa whilst he is washing up and his 11 year old has no battery on her phone so she is just laying on the sofa in a mood. He said for her to do something or at least talk and now I'm getting moaned at for being on my phone because I'm so bloody bored

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 21:29

OP go out as planned. Being "allowed to" shouldnt come into it. He is NOT your boss. He sounds controlling. They are HIS kids. HIS responsibility His testosterone wont explode if he has to care for them on his own on HIS contact time.

Another fucking user who thinks childcare is for the woman to do even when the kids arent hers. These men always think its the job of the one with the vagina

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 21:30

Is he older than you OP?

Original poster
Mich123x · 15/08/2023 21:32

Yeah he is older than me. I always have to be here when the kids are here, I can never go out. In the past I've also been told I need to use my leave to look after them as he can't always take the time off. I put my foot down with that one. I'm on minimum amount of leave per year and I want some time off for me sometimes to see my family etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Mich123x · 15/08/2023 21:34

Bed times are always fun as well. The 5 year old is good as gold and goes to bed as soon as we say and goes straight to sleep. The 11 year old pushes the limit big time and he just let's her mess around for ages whilst I wait to say goodnight. We then get about half hour to ourselves before we go to bed

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 21:45

OP what are your ages Are you under 30?

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 21:53

What an arsehole And controlling to boot. Coercive control is against the law Perhaps he needs reminding

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2023 22:06

....and now you know why the previous girlfriend walked.

Seriously OP you're not the cook for them, and definitely don't provide separate meals for a spoiled brat. Go out more rather than less, you're not hus childcare. Don't participate in the 11 y old's bedtime, that should be father-daughter-time.

And for heaven's sake, get a dishwasher!

billy1966 · 15/08/2023 23:50

Had to believe you actually married this arsehole.

You must be absolutely mad to have married this user looking for a skivvy aupair.

Quite mad🤷🏻‍♀️

Talk about throwing your life away.

Newestname002 · 16/08/2023 07:05

@Mich123x

Your OP title says "Can't do it anymore".

I don't blame you, I don't think I could do it myself.

What are you planning to do instead?

Also:

I always have to be here when the kids are here, I can never go out.

I've managed to plan to go out with my friends this Saturday, who I haven't seen in 3 months or so, I got moaned at because we have the children.

He is not YOUR parent, to tell you what you're allowed to do or be moaned at because you choose to go out sometimes. The children are there for HIS contact time, not yours. That you are there, sometimes, is a bonus for him but he is their father and he needs to step up and be more proactive and consistent in how he deals with his children, especially his daughter, who is running rings round you both.

I'm glad you told him you were not going to take annual leave so you can look after his children - he, as their father, needs to work out what he needs to do to look after his own children on the days he's agreed to have them. Perhaps HE could take them away on holiday himself or sort something else out which works for everyone.

Watch out he doesn't volunteer your time in this way again because he will try. After all it would make his own life so much easier, wouldn't it? 🌹

ButterCrackers · 16/08/2023 07:19

Say that you’re not cooking of clearing up after his kids. Your leave is not for you to look after his kids. You will be away the next times his kids are staying. He will pay for a cleaner as you will not be cleaning up and he doesn’t clean. If he argues then why stay in this miserable situation. He should do everything to make you happy to have his kids. You don’t have kids with this man so you should be able to leave him easily and move forward with your life. Get legal advice.

Busubaba · 16/08/2023 07:21

What a horrible life you have. It's only going to get worse as the kids get older and even more spoilt and demanding.

You only have one life, why are you spending it like this when YOU DON'T HAVE TO?

You can leave this situation and find a man who is loving and caring as this one is just a nasty piece of work.

MadeForThis · 16/08/2023 07:51

He wants you to parent the kids so he can be the good guy.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/08/2023 08:11

So why did you marry ? You must have started seeing him when his son was a baby ( so he obviously had no intention of being in his sons life as a full time father, and you were okay with that). The poor daughter is now faced with yet another woman in her father’s life,,presumably she used to be ‘ with’ the son’s mother and had to accept her as a stepmother. Now she has you instead. I’m not surprised she’s not exactly happy with the situation.

What I can’t work out is how things have changed since you married? Didn’t you ‘ have ‘ the children before? If you didn’t, it’s only two months ffs, you can’t expect it all to be sweetness and light in that time. If you did, and you haven’t managed to make any sort of relationship with DSD, well, you can’t blame that on a child. I don’t know how old you are, but you sound rather immature, so you could be trying to be at least a ‘big sister’ to your stepdaughter. You sitting on the sofa scrolling ( and complaining about her on MN) while she lies around with nothing to do and no one taking any notice of her is really sad….and it’s not you I’m sorry for.

Oh, and get some rubber gloves to do the washing up. Maybe get a tea towel too, and get DSD to dry up, and you know, talk to her meanwhile.

Tippley · 16/08/2023 08:14

I couldn't live like that either OP, honestly between the children themselves and not 'being allowed' out when they're there fuck that. I do think because you'd love children but have decided not to have any it must be even more torturous to be honest. Please leave if you're unhappy, this is a huge part of your life and he isn't going to change.

LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 16/08/2023 08:17

You're not the default childcare option but he's sure trying hard to make you into it! Why are you putting up with this?!

BarrelOfOtters · 16/08/2023 08:22

He wants a nanny not a partner. Stop doing the cooking, go out and have a life. And frankly, as a SM, I’d say what is the point of this for you. Life is passing you by why you act as nanny for a disengaged dad.