Doing things as a 'family' ?

missevolving · 2023-08-13T18:45:58+00:00

Who has ever had the ex of their partner ask to meet up, do activities, play dates, meals, days out etc just the two parents of the child/children? I don't mean normal events like parents evenings, competitions, birthday parties etc Even if they have younger half siblings and step parents etc just doing things on their own as if the parents were still a couple ?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

janeholden · 13/08/2023 19:50

Nope. We have a healthy distance with the ex of 300 miles so no chance of any of those things. Thankfully.

gogomoto · 13/08/2023 19:56

I occasionally have been out to dinner with exh and my DD's, also been for a drink with him and my dp - why not? Don't live close so it's only when there is special circumstances (usually swopping ddog over)

familyissues12345 · 13/08/2023 20:13

Not me, no. We got along for DS's sake, but that was it. I didn't want to spend any longer with ex than was necessary.

I've got a friend who separated from her husband when their boys were 6&8. They continued to be very friendly, regularly doing things as a family, even when they both had new partners.
I think it's nice for children to see their parents getting along, my concern would be giving the wrong impression to the children - is there a chance they'll get back together.

12 years on and they've done a great job, both still with the same partners and the boys have grown into lovely young men

panko · 13/08/2023 20:15

No.

It might work for some if the kids are young and the split wasn't too horendous

Sometimeswinning · 13/08/2023 20:18

If it was an amicable split my friends often do this. They are the goal when it comes to co parenting.

Bethanbee · 13/08/2023 20:30

I think it would be nice for the DC Help them feel like they are a family.

Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 21:01

Nope a chance that would happen here.

BarrelOfOtters · 13/08/2023 21:03

Yep loads. They shared a hotel room a while ago as there was a kids thing on and it was the only way of making it all work.

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 21:13

My best friend does this with her ex but they left each other amicably after discovering they were lesbian / gay, so it isn’t weird. My Pakistani friend tried to do this with her ex-husband and it worked while she was single (and he married) but the minute she found someone else he got extremely nasty.

Chchcheckingitout · 13/08/2023 21:51

Personally, I think it’s super confusing for DC and massively blurs boundaries. Children don’t understand complicated relationships, etc

Original poster

missevolving · 14/08/2023 00:16

Dp ex normally invites him to parties, school stuff usual things but recently started asking him out for meals our saying it's what their dd wants etc and even though he thinks it's inappropriate as his dd would 100% be confused as she's young and still has this want for both parents together totally normal. But she kicked off when he said that he won't be attending as he doesn't want to confuse their child and he would have encouraged his partner to attend too as one extended family. She's not having it as blaming me for not letting him go 🤣

OP posts:

janeholden · 14/08/2023 09:51

Let her. Sounds like she's making a noise because she's losing control of the situation. How long have they been split?

Honestly, I don't think it's necessary to be that enmeshed, especially for the kids sake. Parties and school events sure, but not everyday life. They're not a family anymore, they're 2 separate families that happen to have the kids as the interlinking part.

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 14:15

Parents evening is all I do with my ex, and my DH doesn't even do that with his.

Uptoyou34 · 14/08/2023 14:37

missevolving · 14/08/2023 00:16

Dp ex normally invites him to parties, school stuff usual things but recently started asking him out for meals our saying it's what their dd wants etc and even though he thinks it's inappropriate as his dd would 100% be confused as she's young and still has this want for both parents together totally normal. But she kicked off when he said that he won't be attending as he doesn't want to confuse their child and he would have encouraged his partner to attend too as one extended family. She's not having it as blaming me for not letting him go 🤣

It's a common manipulation tactic to try and use the children to get what they want (both ex wives & ex husbands, it's not just women)
...i.e saying it's what DSD wants, I'm pretty sure it's what the ex wants. Also, even if it is what DSD thinks she wants, it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do...

My DP told me that he split with his ex around 6 months before his daugther's 5th birthday. They did a birthday meal the 3 of them despite him having moved out for 6 months as it's what DSD 'wanted'. However soon after she kept asking when he was coming 'home' and she got upset all over again. I'm not always sure it does help young kids tbh.

panko · 14/08/2023 15:38

BarrelOfOtters · 13/08/2023 21:03

Yep loads. They shared a hotel room a while ago as there was a kids thing on and it was the only way of making it all work.

That is confusing for the kids

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/08/2023 19:39

DH and his ex have done the odd birthday meal, tbh I think it’s DH being a bit lazy as it means he doesn’t have to do a separate one! He spends a few hours each weekend at their house as one DSD has issues which mean she isn’t able to leave the house much. I don’t think they’ve done days out for years since the kids were much younger, and they did find it confusing

Moredrama · 14/08/2023 20:51

It’s nice if both parents are single but even then you have to be careful to not confuse the child/ren.
Doing it too often will make the child feel like there’s a chance you’ll get back together. And if you have a new partner it could cause the child to resent them as they are seen as the obstacle to their parents getting back together.

It sounds like the ex is just trying to assert her place in your DP’s life now he’s met someone else and there’s someone new in her DC’s life. It’s not about the DC at all.

It annoys me when parents make a big thing about spending time together because it’s what “the DC want”, and expect new partners to just get on board with it - if they were so bothered about that then they would still be together. They split up for a reason, and they knew that would change the dynamic and that DC would likely be part of a new family unit.

I say this as someone who did spend some time with my ex when DC was little

Babyghirl · 15/08/2023 23:50

My dp of 7 years goes out every Christmas morning to the ex House for the kids getting up, so he can be there when they go in to see what they got, but not this year as we now have a little girl together who will be 13m on Christmas day, it's her real first Christmas as she was born 5 weeks early and last year was only 4 weeks old, it's OK doing things like that if nothing comes along to stop it, but I know his ex is going to go ape shit when he tells her he won't be there with them this year, so I say don't do something you can't maintain until dc is an adult age.