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Step-parenting

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Original poster

They now want contact

54 replies

Namaste21 · 13/08/2023 10:59

So I have raised my son from the age of 7 months with my partner. We are a same sex couple and his birth certificate mum left him at 6 months to move to Australia. He is now 2. She is now back from Australia and wants something to do with him. Everything I do is what’s in the best interest for him. But I can’t help feeling she’s now back in his life because she can’t stay out in Australia and I just don’t want him to be anyone’s second option. He deserves to be everyone’s first option. I have no parental rights at present to my son and she does. I don’t want my emotions to get in the way of what is best for him so just wanted abit of advice on other peoples thoughts on whether this is what’s best for him? I have turned my whole life around to do what’s best for my son and I would do anything for him, he is literally my world and it would destroy me to lose him but in the eyes of the law I am not his parent

OP posts:
panko · 13/08/2023 11:34

Maybe start with her name and let the child decide when they get older?

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 11:35

Agree with others here you have to seek specialists legal advice. Given she is on the birth certificate she does have parental responsibility with your partner, you don't.

Whilst neither of you have biological connections to the child, she has a legal responsibility to the child, including providing financial support. Has she been doing that? Or has she been completely absent and responsibility free?

If she is moving to the UK then her rights are the same as an absent father. Be good to understand her motivations a little more. Can your partner have a civil conversation. With her or is the relationship too broken down?

Mediation would help.

Also I don't think you can adopt the child without this parent giving up parental responsibility, I think.

Original poster
Namaste21 · 13/08/2023 11:36

PrimalOwl10 · 13/08/2023 11:23

How does she have rights if she's not his biological mum? Surely she had much right as you, your both not biologically related to this child.

So anyone on the birth certificate in same sex relationships has an equal parental right which I do agree with but also when that’s the case they should stick around and also be a parent

OP posts:
WunWun · 13/08/2023 11:39

Personally I would find it messed up for 50/50 access to be given to someone who isn't his biological parent and walked out on him at 6 months. Tbh I think I'd let this go through the courts. I certainly wouldn't offer 50/50 without it being court ordered

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 11:39

I'd be careful judging her motivations for leaving too. You say you've raised this child since 7 months old after she left at 6 months old so the timings here are a little dubious. Clearly it wasnt a healthy situation regardless.

Original poster
Namaste21 · 13/08/2023 11:40

LaviniasBigBloomers · 13/08/2023 11:25

Legally you are in such muddy waters here that my advice is somewhat different to that I'd give someone with parental rights.

Firstly you need good legal advice from someone who knows this kind of situation inside out. I imagine it's more common with same-sex couples so a more specialist forum. You need to pay for this, don't think a half hour from the solicitor on the high street is going to cut it. You need a full understanding of your legal position.

Second, your emotions are absolutely valid, of course they are, but that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. Vent on here by all means but the way you feel doesn't affect the fact that this is your child's parent and you have to do what's best for your child. Sadly, this might mean giving your ex the chance to fuck things up. OTOH they may be over whatever it was that made them leave their child and ready to play a more full part in their life.

Note that doesn't mean I'd jump straight to 50/50. They are a stranger to your child, like anyone in that situation they need to start with small, supervised visits and build up.

If you have a baseline of where you want to end up: Ex, let's start small and hopefully build up to every other weekend in a year or so. Then you take the heat out of things while also laying down a line. The aim unfortunately has to be to keep the ex onside as I believe legally they hold all the cards. I'm so sorry, you're in a terrible position here.

Thank you for this advice. It’s a very difficult situation but have read what you’ve advised and I do think that is the route we go down. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Namaste21 · 13/08/2023 11:41

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 11:39

I'd be careful judging her motivations for leaving too. You say you've raised this child since 7 months old after she left at 6 months old so the timings here are a little dubious. Clearly it wasnt a healthy situation regardless.

So she had an affair with a man

OP posts:
tineymouseinswimmingpool · 13/08/2023 11:41

panko · 13/08/2023 11:29

There is no father involved here

Show quote history

The mother then.

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 11:43

WunWun · 13/08/2023 11:39

Personally I would find it messed up for 50/50 access to be given to someone who isn't his biological parent and walked out on him at 6 months. Tbh I think I'd let this go through the courts. I certainly wouldn't offer 50/50 without it being court ordered

The court could order it, as that's what the law says.

Our laws aren't entirely up to date but same sex parenting rights are exactly the same as opposite sex. The only way to remove this parent is for her to sign away her parental responsibility.

That said. It's not right to re-write history for the child. What happened has happened but their origins are important.

WunWun · 13/08/2023 11:43

tineymouseinswimmingpool · 13/08/2023 11:41

The mother then.

Show quote history

The mother who isn't a biological relative and walked out on him at six months old to leave the country for 18 months, but is on his birth certificate.

AmyandPhilipfan · 13/08/2023 11:44

This is quite an unusual situation but as the child's biological mother has full contact of him and the person who is also named on the BC hasn't seen him for a long time I would doubt a court would give her access as she is actually no relation to him.

I have a foster child who has a dad named on his birth certificate who is not his actual dad and there has never been any question about him having contact with him as he hasn't seen him since he was a baby and is not his dad, so why should he be in his life?

If your partner does not want her to have contact I would let it go to court and explain she left him, hasn't seen him for x amount of time, he is being raised with you as his parent and you don't think it's in his best interest to introduce a third parent figure who is not related to him and who has history of abandoning him at whim. I doubt she'd get anything.

WunWun · 13/08/2023 11:46

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 11:43

The court could order it, as that's what the law says.

Our laws aren't entirely up to date but same sex parenting rights are exactly the same as opposite sex. The only way to remove this parent is for her to sign away her parental responsibility.

That said. It's not right to re-write history for the child. What happened has happened but their origins are important.

Show quote history

My take still stands though. I wouldn't give 50/50 on the chance of this woman taking them to court. Let her do it

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 11:50

@WunWun the child is too young for 50/50, but the bio mother won't be looked upon kindly if she isn't willing to negotiate any access gradually.

Its no different to an absent father returning and wanting access. Either because they genuinely want a relationship, or because they want to minimise child maintenance payments.

panko · 13/08/2023 11:50

WunWun · 13/08/2023 11:46

My take still stands though. I wouldn't give 50/50 on the chance of this woman taking them to court. Let her do it

Show quote history

I agree. I would let this go to court.

liveforsummer · 13/08/2023 11:56

he is my child! So 2 parents who adopt their child… that isn’t their child?

This isn't the case here though. You are in a step parent role. Unless you adopt which I agree is unlikely if other mum is back and keeps up contact, he is not your child.

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2023 12:52

Hmmm, not sure of the legalities, I get that she's on the BC, but I agree that someone who left this early on and isn't even the biological parent should not really be considered the parent. I wouldn't offer 50/50, offer supervised contact for building a relationship and see what happens.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 13/08/2023 12:59

Can you apply for special guardianship to give you some say? How have you managed to agree for example to medical care for the dc with no actual rights?

Original poster
Namaste21 · 13/08/2023 14:02

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 13/08/2023 12:59

Can you apply for special guardianship to give you some say? How have you managed to agree for example to medical care for the dc with no actual rights?

Because when I’ve only took him it’s an emergency so they will always act in best interest of child no matter what decision anyone with parental rights has got and bio mum has joined us. Yes I remember them saying something about guardianship when we contacted a family law solicitor but I think she said birth certificate mums needs to agree so may have to revisit that

OP posts:
titchy · 13/08/2023 14:11

So anyone on the birth certificate in same sex relationships has an equal parental right which I do agree with but also when that’s the case they should stick around and also be a parent

Confused Really? I was under the impression that only happened where the couple
we're married/civil partnered, and the insemination had been done through a recognised clinic....

Regardless, do you actually know what your partner's ex wants in relation to the child? Or are you assuming she wants a 50/50 contact?

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 14:12

If your partner gave birth to your child it’s easier. She can actually apply for full custody based on being the only biological parent and ex abandoning the child. But if the ex gave birth to the child then she is legally mum. It gets even more complicated in cases where the genetic material only comes from one / neither parent.

You need to see a good solicitor and contact social services

blackbeardsballsack · 13/08/2023 14:23

There are two strands to this.

  • absent mum's future contact
  • your role in the child's life

Resident parent mum should let this go to court. The other parent has been awol for the majority of their child's life and if I was her I would not be confident that she would be constantly involved with the child in the long term future. I would want contact to be built up very gradually so that the child wasn't disrupted and if the non resident parent didn't commit to this I would want contact to stop.

In terms of your role, I think you and your partner have been too quick to insert you into the role of second parent. You haven't been involved in the child's life for long enough to be 'mum' in my opinion. The child is only 2 and has already had two second parents. At this stage you are mum's girlfriend. Once your relationship has been established for a number of years and if there is not involvement with the original second parent, I would think that at this point you would be more of a step parent figure. I don't just let boyfriends of a year start referring to themselves as 'dad' after they have met my child.

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 14:49

titchy · 13/08/2023 14:11

So anyone on the birth certificate in same sex relationships has an equal parental right which I do agree with but also when that’s the case they should stick around and also be a parent

Confused Really? I was under the impression that only happened where the couple
we're married/civil partnered, and the insemination had been done through a recognised clinic....

Regardless, do you actually know what your partner's ex wants in relation to the child? Or are you assuming she wants a 50/50 contact?

There are routes for on civil partners to have parental responsibility as well, we don't know the status here, OP can you confirm where they legally a couple?

lupinlass · 14/08/2023 07:50

I find it really difficult to think the person who went to Australia is actually a parent. She is not biologically related to the child in any way. I know it says she is on a piece of paper but she is even less of a parent if she buggered off to the other side of the world to hook up with a man (she could at least then have her own bio child seeing as he's got sperm!!)

Flopsythebunny · 14/08/2023 07:52

D3LAN3Y · 13/08/2023 11:13

I'd seek legal advice, emotions aside, what does your DC want?

Dc is 2 years old. How would he know what he wants?