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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepson forced to keep Mum’s partner secret

22 replies

Anon36823 · 10/08/2023 21:28

Feeling stuck! I recognise that there are parts of this situation that I am totally out of line for and I am desperately wanting to work on this but it’s eating away at me!
I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years and from the start he told his ex (mother of his son) about me as things were very open with them. It seems she was possibly seeing a particular guy throughout their relationship but we have no clear evidence. Whatever. That’s the past.
However, 4 years ago his son mentioned that this guy’s name puts him on his shoulders. He then backtracked and never mentioned his name again for a while. The following year I overhear my son and fiancé’s son talking and he states that his mum has a boyfriend but he isn’t allowed to tell Daddy because Daddy will be cross. This is absolutely NOT the case. We never mentioned this as to not put him on the spot or make him feel uncomfortable. Last year, I was looking at the children’s iPads (I shouldn’t have been, I know) but I saw this same man had sent him messages saying he loved him so much, photographs of himself sending kissing faces and my stepson had wished him a happy Father’s Day. I told my fiancé and he asked him but he flat out denied knowing who this guy was?! Despite the evidence being there. Since then, it has been mentioned again but I have seen several messages from this man explaining he loves him so much, is so proud of him among other things. Yes, this is absolutely not our right to know about, I understand. However, the issue that we have is that this man is married with 2 children and has been married the entire time and my stepson has been asked to keep this a secret. The man has slightly changed his name as well as his Mum announcing a name change herself… bizarre. The messages that I have seen are eating away at me- the fact that my fiancé doesn’t know the full extent to the relationship, the damage of asking an 11 year old to keep this relationship a secret and finally, the poor wife not knowing!! I really don’t know what to do but it’s eating me up! Please help!

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 21:45

No help just 😫😫😫😫

SemperIdem · 10/08/2023 22:33

That is a very unhealthy dynamic for your stepson. Poor kid.

I think it is unusual for a man to message a child not his own that he “loves them so much” etc regularly. There is something about that, that doesn’t sit well with me, possibly because of the additional secret keeping element that is endorsed by his mother.

AuntMarch · 10/08/2023 22:39

I'd have dad ask mum about it. It's not unreasonable for a parent to be checking a child's device but would be unreasonable not to share potential concerning correspondence with the other parent!

"Do you know who this is? I'm really hoping it's a long term secret boyfriend or something, because if not this is something we need to report."

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 22:44

Oh my god. You’ve got to tell your fiancé what you know. Just fess up about snooping, tbh he should be on top of any devices an 11 year old is using anyway, why isn’t he?

Is your fiancé definitely your DSS’s dad?

namechangenacy · 10/08/2023 22:46

Auntmarch nailed it.

The messages make me feel weird but that maybe my past clouding my judgement.

If mum denies it and keeps forcing her son to keep it a secret. I would probably message the wife to tip her off anonymously.

The truth will come out one way or another and frankly having been the wife cheated on, I dammed well wish someone had tipped me off sooner. The more this type of things goes on the more time everyone's wasting in this toxic situation.

I know various people will tell you it's not your business but when you involve innocent kids in keeping a secret like this - I think you lose any right to not have this blow up in your face.

Your poor step son. This is probably really screwing him up tbh.

flowergirl2020 · 11/08/2023 07:53

No other advice only to say the same another poster has about the messages about 'loving him' etc are strange for an adult man to a pre teen he hardly knows. We've had this situation recently with my husbands ex wife's new boyfriend. Messages such as 'love you so much, best thing ever happened to me' literally weeks after knowing him. I'm an ex teacher so it triggered my training on grooming/love bombing as it really did give off paedo vibes. We did some digging about the guy. Clare's law disclosure done. He had conviction for beating up previous partner. If it feels suspect it will be. The guy was dodgy so love bombed his way into their life and has also alienated my husband from his son. Tread carefully. xx they'll definately have an agenda

GrazingSheep · 11/08/2023 07:56

Why do you think you shouldn’t be looking at their iPads? They are children.
It all sounds very weird. Tell your dp.

painochocolate · 11/08/2023 07:59

At 11 DH should absolutely be looking at his ipad

Original poster

Anon36823 · 11/08/2023 09:47

Thank you all for your kind advice and messages. I’ve told my fiancé. He’s probably going to be really upset for my snooping and it finds it utterly impossible to communicate with his son’s Mum but actually, it’s so intense it needs to stop. Equally, not telling his wife is going against my morals so badly and I cant live with it anymore!

OP posts:

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 10:13

hun your not snooping. you have done your stepson a favour. it's for reasons like this we should all be "snooping" on our kids devices, we don't know who the hell is contacting them without our consent.
you have told your partner. now the responsibility is all his.
all he has to say is i was sorting his tablet, he had a lot of crap on it that i wanted to check was legit, eg games, viruses etc and come across this. can you explain.
she will
them come back with either the truth or if she gets totally defensive, raging etc. then there's something going on that SHE is hiding, and your hubby has a right to know about.
your poor stepson has done nothing wrong other that do what he's told.
i ageee with you and the other ops about the love bombing. he is trying to make this kid love him back so he can manipulate him to keep quiet. about what tho??

Crunchingleaf · 11/08/2023 11:44

I have to say I was deeply uncomfortable reading your post. My DH is not my teenagers father. They have known each other 5 years. My DH would often praise my DS and tell him he is proud of him. He doesn’t tell him he loves him. The messages are full on tbh and I wouldn’t be happy if this was my child as it just doesn’t feel right especially with the added element of secret keeping.

Hopefully your fiancé gets somewhere with it.

Mumof4plusbonus · 11/08/2023 11:53

So a man who your son apparently doesn’t know is sending these messages? I would be messaging the man, his wife, the police? Obviously all after talking to his mum and dad of course.
Also why shouldn’t you be snooping on their iPad at 11. That is literally your job as a parent.

Who1what1me · 11/08/2023 11:54

I think your fiancé needs to tell his son that he knows ex has a BF. He had always known and there is no reason to for son to keep secrets from him. That he is glad ex is happy and he is happy for her. That it's okay for son to like/ love ex BF. That son never needs to keep secrets from him. That he loves son very much.

The rest of it I think you need to mind your own business. Focus on your partner and SS. The rest is nothing yo do with you and will only bring drama to your doorstep.

SemperIdem · 11/08/2023 12:09

This will sound harsh - but this man’s wife should not be your primary concern here.

That man, regardless of whether he is in a “step dad” role, is sending very full on messages to an 11 year old child who has been primed to lie by his own mother. That is a recipe for a potentially dangerous situation and needs to be the focus.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 22:47

SemperIdem · 11/08/2023 12:09

This will sound harsh - but this man’s wife should not be your primary concern here.

Yup.

Imagine if it's not a secret boyfriend of the mum but that's a story - he might really be a groom we

Melroses · 11/08/2023 23:05

Yes this. ^
If your DSS is happy with this, any problem will come out when he is ready. It sounds like he is under pressure from this man.

Elizadoloads · 12/08/2023 07:57

SemperIdem · 10/08/2023 22:33

That is a very unhealthy dynamic for your stepson. Poor kid.

Agreed ! Haven't read all of the responses but has your husband spoken with his ex wife about this?
If she denies I'd print out all of the screenshots from stepson's laptop and at a time with no children around I'd confront her and ask why the hell is a strange man messaging his son? I'd be concerned that there could be a reason she wants him kept a secret. I know plenty of step dads and not one would send messages like this or even be comfortable that are being kept a secret.. concerning, and a horrible position to put a child in.

SkatieKatie · 12/08/2023 08:13

AuntMarch · 10/08/2023 22:39

I'd have dad ask mum about it. It's not unreasonable for a parent to be checking a child's device but would be unreasonable not to share potential concerning correspondence with the other parent!

"Do you know who this is? I'm really hoping it's a long term secret boyfriend or something, because if not this is something we need to report."

Absolutely this

Original poster

Anon36823 · 12/08/2023 09:07

They recently ended up in a court situation for access as she had moved 200 miles away without so much of a discussion and had demanded that if my partner wanted to continue seeing his son then he would have to do all of the travel (that’s a story for another day and thankfully settled in court after a year or so of him driving after work on a Friday evening to return his son on a Sunday evening). Possibly her move was to support her affair?!
Anyway, as part of this case my fiancé raised a safeguarding concern to her and stated that he was aware she had asked him to keep her relationship a secret to which her response was “sons name has lots of positive people in his life and there are no secrets being kept”. He is nervous to raise it again as she always has a smart answer. But the problem is, it is very clearly a secret!! Very frustrating. My partner still doesn’t know how to raise further as he raised once before and didn’t get anywhere

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 12/08/2023 09:33

He says " Who is X? Are you aware he is messaging DS? I'm concerned about the content."

BudgetBuster · 13/08/2023 11:42

There's so much to unwrap here. Absolutely at 11 an adult at both homes should be periodically monitoring messages, gaming, social media etc. That's part of parenting. I think your DH needs to sit your DSS down and ask who this person is contacting him, and how long it has been going on. If your DSS continues the narrative of I don't know, then I would have your DH contact his ex stating that he has found very concerning correspondence on SS ipad and SS has admitted not knowing this person and as such your DH will be filing a police report for potential grooming.

painochocolate · 13/08/2023 11:45

DelphiniumBlue · 12/08/2023 09:33

He says " Who is X? Are you aware he is messaging DS? I'm concerned about the content."

This is good. Or even "just checking you know someone called x, he's messaging ds and some content is concerning me"

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