Differences between households

[sunshinesummers]

So we recently found out that at her Mum's house, SD13 winds up younger SD11, to the point sister gets distressed and angry, then older SD will turn the argument into a physical fight and be quite violent towards younger.

We were already aware of 2 or 3 times it happened at Mum's, but we were sat outside last night with older SD & she spoke about it to me and my husband. She was quite open in saying that she winds sis up on purpose a lot at her Mum's with the intention of it becoming violent & will hit her on purpose. Usually when they're just watching TV. But doesn't do it at our house as she knows we won't tolerate violence and we'll be harder on her than her Mum is.

SD definitely has an attitude sometimes and has become a bit more arrogant recently (what we think is typical teen stuff), but we have never ever known her to be violent or to even really wind up her sister that much, she's so calm and chilled out at ours that my husband didn't believe it first time we heard about it, he thought ex was being dramatic (as she does have a tendency to be) and that it was normal sister fall outs or a bicker, so I think hearing SD actually admit it all last night, and that it can be really quite nasty, was a little shocking for us.

Both children seem to be doing well with us and are happy at our house, we thought they were very settled, we chat a lot and they talk openly with us about their feelings, so this really was a big surprise to find out how different they can be at their Mum's house.

I've wondered if it is different personalities of the parents, or if it's the structure of how we do stuff, different routines (I know we can be a lot firmer on screen time and phones), or if we are a little more present when we're at home as Mum WFH at lot and often out of normal hours so maybe they're more 'supervised' at ours, could even just be boredom.

Has anyone else experienced similar or seen how their SKs or even their own kids can be different when going between two households?

It could be that they’re on their best behaviour at your house and when they feel more comfortable at home they slip into this pattern of behaviour.

My DSS is completely different at our house to his mother's yes. I've always put it down to differing expectations.

@uneffingbelievable fgs the post was never meant to come across like that, I was only asking for other people's experiences. I absolutely don't think it's some sort of competition or point scoring exercise or that we're 'better', I was just trying to show examples of how the households are different. Sometimes the way their Mum does stuff has worked 'better'.

Obviously my DH has spoken to SD about it, I put in my OP that we were discussing it last night and that she was very open so of course he said to her that sort of behaviour is not on. He has discussed it with her before too.

@Papernotplastic yes I wondered that too. It's a 50/50 split if that makes a difference at all.

My ds's had no rules or boundaries at their df's house.. Girls, alcohol and drugs. 3 ds's under 16.. All changed when ds2 moved to me ft and brought his 12 yo db with him. .. I tolerate none of that.

This is not a pointscoring exercise on who parents the best - which so many SMs seem to like to do. Not yet seen a post on this forum where the SM says the DM is stricter and parents better.

Well of course not - if somebody thought somebody else parented better, they would do it that way. People do often say their partner's parenting is worse than the ex's, when they aren't on the same page with their partner, but they're unlikely to say the ex's is better than their own as if they thought that was the best approach, they'd follow it too.

It just comes up more often around blended families because that's the only time people "share" parenting.

@sunshinesummers Ignore the baity troll-type posters. Nothing to be gained there. If you had posted this on the Parenting board and said it was your own DD you would not have had such a vile response.

I can see how two completely opposing sets of behaviours were hard to reconcile before this confession. And it is a confession. Did you/DH ask her why she does this? If not, it would be worth her dad following up as this is the root cause of the problem.

More generally, children (and adults) are totally capable of behaving differently in different settings and switching between the two seamlessly. Think school, granny's house, sleepover, restaurant etc. That's what makes me more curious about your DSD's 'reveal'. I wonder if she sees it as a chance to get more support with something.

Couldn't agree more.

I have reported the first commenter multiple times because all they do is come on here and bash OP's, all whilst telling them that THEY are the ones that are vile. I rest my case.

Step mum's post on here in confidence to ask advice, because believe it or not we care! If we didn't, we wouldn't even bother coming on here....

Step mum's post on here in confidence to ask advice, because believe it or not we care! If we didn't, we wouldn't even bother coming on here....

Well said @Uptoyou34

Really interesting point of view and not something we had thought of. She didn't give a firm reason, she was quite casual talking about it & acting like it's a joke, which is where it seemed arrogant. She said she will hit sis but then also was sort of trying to downplay some of it so I wonder if we know more detail about it than she realises.

I had totally forgotten but the point about wanting support made me remember that for the first time that we've ever heard, she threatened her Mum with moving to our house during one of these fallouts a few weeks ago. But we would never have expected this behaviour from her which is why it is so surprising to us that she would behave like that with Mum.

Thank you. And exactly, I was coming to hear from other people's experiences with differences in behaviour between the two households.

she was quite casual talking about it & acting like it's a joke, which is where it seemed arrogant. She said she will hit sis but then also was sort of trying to downplay some of it so I wonder if we know more detail about it than she realises.

I'm no expert but this feels like something DH should pursue gently, and ideally with some thought about individual and/or family therapy.

We have my stepkids 50:50. Their mum's house is vastly different from ours and the kids behaviour is different too. We have rules, boundaries and routine. Mum is more laxed and to be honest a pretty lazy parent. DSS who's 16 is often left to babysit 5yo DSD all day. There's no restrictions on screen time and DSD is put in her room with a laptop to watch YouTube till she falls asleep.

The mum complained to DH about DSDs behaviour and attitude being disgraceful and at drop offs always tells her to be good. We never have any issues with her behaviour at ours and have had comments from family members, hairdressers etc about how good she is. And she really is. She's a great kid. Mum facetimed DH once because DSD was throwing a tantrum about taking medicine. The only time I've saw DSD throw a tantrum was 2.5 years ago. DH ended up having to go pick her up and she took her medicine from him no problem. She cried and screamed every morning mum dropped her off at nursery but never with us. She cried when mum took her to dancing and refused to go in but never does this with us. Mum likes to think it's because she just misses her mum so much but I think she just does it for attention because it's the only time she really gets it.

Mum phoned DH one morning tearing her hair out because DSS wouldn't get up for school asking how he was managing it. His attendance on mum's weeks was just over 70% and the school were sending letters about it. On our weeks his attendance was nearly 100%.

Usually I'd say there's not much you can do and you can't control how the other parent chooses to parent, but when there's violence against the younger sister I think their dad really needs to step in here. Maybe it would be best if the older sister lived with you full time. Maybe that's why she told you. Like "if I'm at my mum's I'm going to hit my sister" so you better do something about that. Maybe it was a hint for you to get her to live with you full-time.

Definitely get him to speak to their mum about managing this better. Speak to SD13 about why she does this and maybe get SD11 involved and talk about how SD13s behaviour makes her feel, while they're in an environment where they both feel safe.

As someone said above, kids are used to adapting their behaviour to different environments. They behave differently in school, restaurants and other people's houses usually based on what the rules and boundaries are there. If they can get away with shit, they will definitely push their luck.

Took the DSC until they were about 11 to realise they had different rules and lifestyles depending which parent they were with.

So the DF and DM co parent and sit down with their DD and make it clear that this behaviour is not acceptable anywhere - not difficult.

Yeah because it's always that easy and the other co-parent is never high conflict or difficult.

@sunshinesummers does the mum have a supportive partner too? If not she may just be tired of trying to do it all herself when DDs are at hers. Sometimes we are all too exhausted juggling everything to be perfect parents and it's even harder when you don't have a second adult there to back you up. Maybe try to support her and all work together to encourage better behaviour from the children wherever they are.

Is the younger sister the mum's favourite? Does she get away with more there? Is the older sister getting her own back/levelling the score?

Or it may be straightforward unhappiness. If the kids aren't happy, they take it out on each other as the easiest option.

Or does she only get mum's attention then?

She had never said anything so blatantly but I've always thought mum shows preference towards younger as younger - maybe as they have more in common & similarities, plus younger can be lead a bit more easily.

Having said that older has been closer to mum in the past year, possibly with going through puberty and the sort of thing we all want our mums for which again is why this was a bit of a surprise.

Good point. She did have a partner that did a lot of stuff for them, school runs etc. they are no longer together and I thought there was a new guy but kids haven't said anything recently and I guess that wouldn't be at the point of supportive partner just yet when it comes to the kids.

Whilst they do have different ways of doing stuff he/we do support as much as possible, we have kids extra days when she needs etc. (and she has helped us out recently too).

It’s good that this has come out now. So sad to think that younger SD is being mistreated like this and that older SD is doing this.
Difficult to know for sure what the reasons are - suspect they are complex and not just down to differences between households. However you seem to have good supervision and a straightforward communication at your house which is helpful to raising tweens/teens.
I hope you can support both your SDs to stop this behaviour. SD13 needs to understand she shouldn’t be choosing to do this and find a way of distracting herself and engaging in some other activity. How would she feel if someone was doing this to her. Be careful that SD’s answers when you question her may not be the true picture, especially if you ask her why she’s behaving badly, as she might well just put the blame on someone else eg her mum, to avoid taking responsibility.
SD11 needs a chance to explain what’s happening from her perspective and share her feelings. She should be safe from violence in her home. She is very vulnerable at the moment.
in an ideal world the sisters would be able to engage with each other in something enjoyable for both….

If there is no improvement then therapy might be needed.
Good Luck.

Sounds like the teen is trying to manipulate the situation. Kids do this kind of thing all the time. Behave better for one parent than another or better for one teacher than another. Rather than muse about whether this is because you are more present or firmer or just better, why not show a united front? Tell the dd that this behaviour is unacceptable and that you are going to be working together to give consequences when she behaves this way in either house?