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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DH struggling with DD and bio dad

20 replies

Canwedoit4 · 05/08/2023 11:47

I will try and keep this brief and am looking for opinions from both parents and step parents.
I had DD from previous relationship, she never met her father and when she was 2 I married my DH. DD always knew DH wasn't her biological father and has never called him dad. DD is 14 now and we have a DS6 together. My DH and DD have had their differences however he has provided and parented DD for 12yrs. Recently DD wanted to know about bio dad, I facilitated contact and they met for the first time. I stayed with them and it all went well, nerves on all sides but was a success I would say and bio dad seems keen to maintain relationship.
Here is my problem - my DH (understandably) is feeling a bit pushed out by it all, he is being supportive and DD knows non of this but l can see he is struggling. Firstly with me now having contact with an ex, which I just want to point out I didn't care too much for when I was with him 14yrs ago and have zero feelings towards him anyway, it was more a fling. And secondly, because he feels as though DD is essentially going to go off into the sunset with new father and he will be forgotten about after having raised her for 12yrs.
I expect all adults to put their own feelings to one side for the sake of what DD wants and would like there to be a friendly relationship with ex for her sake, DH isn't so sure.
Any advice on how to navigate this would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Jamtartforme · 05/08/2023 11:49

Why haven’t they met before now OP? Was there a sudden change in circumstances on the bio dad’s part?

I can understand your DH’s hurt but he’s going to have to rise above it, basically.

cansu · 05/08/2023 11:54

Your dh is just going to have to deal with it. I think it's unfortunate that your dd hasn't known or had a relationship with her dad before now but presumably there was a good reason for this. It also sounds like her relationship with your dh is not what it should be. It is odd for a 2 year old who has never known her bio dad to not have a close relationship with the man who brought her up.

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 12:00

Your last paragraph answers your question. The adults in the situation should be doing what they can to help and support the child to navigate this new relationship. I completely understand that he is going to have complicated feeling about this, but parenting is about supporting and nurturing little humans, not owning them.

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 12:09

From your post it sounds like you have discussed it with him. You've said he's not so sure - but what does this mean for him in reality?

Keep your daughter's relationship with her bio dad separate from your family time. Let her know that you are both there if she needs to talk about anything to do with her dad or their relationship. If your daughter and stepdad would have spent time alone together, encourage them to keep doing this.

And if he is still struggling then counselling might help him to manage his own emotions without alienating your girl.

Original poster

Canwedoit4 · 05/08/2023 12:10

It was bio dad's choice not to pursue a relationship but I will say that we have probably been pretty uncontactable, we have moved all over and we were both very young when we had her so it was just one of them things. DH and DD do have a good relationship, he has given her everything she has ever wanted however I told her when she was quite young what the score was with him not being her biological father. I always used DH name and I suppose calling him dad just never came because of that but essentially he has been her father pretty much all her life. I will do what's right for DD and DH will too, I just don't want to hurt anybody and am not sure what boundaries I should be putting in place.

OP posts:

Laurdo · 05/08/2023 12:17

He must have known there was a chance this could happen but I understand how hard it must be for him having put in the work and love all these years for essentially the guy who was sperm donor to now come along.

The thing is, kids remember who was there for them and although they don't always show it they appreciate who put the work in and showed them love.

I think it's only natural to want to know your biological parents. I'd just reassure your DH that no one can take away the what he's done for your DD and there's no reason why she can't have 2 dad's in her life.

toomuchlaundry · 05/08/2023 12:21

Is bio dad paying maintenance? Do you think he will disappear again? Is he local?

Original poster

Canwedoit4 · 05/08/2023 12:27

We always knew there was a chance it could happen, in fact we actually expected it because who wouldn't want to meet their bio parents? It's just now its actually happening I think he feels a bit pushed out.
Bio dad is not and has never paid maintenance, and as for hanging round permanently I'm not convinced of that but I can't make any predictions on that. Maybe DD herself will decide she doesn't want to continue the relationship, she doesn't know him yet and I don't know what kind of father her will be.
I know these are all consequences of my actions when I was younger and I feel terribly guilty.

OP posts:

gettingolderbutcooler · 05/08/2023 12:29

I'd sit down, the three of you, and talk about how you all feel- including excitement etc from DD and anxiety so dh's anxiety not being her dad. Everyone acknowledge and validate each others feelings. X

Lordlanky · 05/08/2023 12:31

I think your dh needs to talk to someone impartial about his feelings here tbh. He needs to be able to voice and explore his new role without hurting or pushing anyone away.

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 13:42

I don't agree with this. Your child doesn't need to be sat down to hear about her stepdad's or her mum's feelings about her being in contact with her dad. Those are the adults feelings to take responsibility for. The danger in this approach is the child takes responsibility for her parents feelings and doesn't continue with the relationship with her bio dad - at some point in the future when she looks back at this time she'll remember how she was made to feel guilty for pursuing a relationship with him and will resent that.

All she needs to hear from the grown ups is:

We love you and support your decision.

You can change your mind at any time and that's ok.

If there's anything we can do to make this easier let us know.

You can talk to us about this anytime you like.

Do you want to hang out with me/stepdad today and do something fun.

Teenagers can be a bit selfish OP so assure Stepdad that their relationship might change but it was likely to change as she got older anyway but as she matures and understands better the reality of the situation she will be happy she had his love and support in her childhood.

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 13:44

The quote didn't work but when I said I disagreed it was about the comment where someone suggested sitting your daughter down and discussing everyone's feelings.

Original poster

Canwedoit4 · 05/08/2023 19:51

Thankyou for all your feedback, I'm sure it will all work out for this best. It's just so new and raw and I guess emotions are a complicated thing!

OP posts:

Rathouse · 05/08/2023 19:57

I think you will have to support your DH on this one. Explain to him it's early days, he is not wrong for feeling this way and its probably come as a shock that BIO dad is back on the scene. Your position is different OP because you are mum and always have/will be. Tricky because he's not your DDs actual dad!

Original poster

Canwedoit4 · 05/08/2023 21:25

Yes I fully intend on doing what I can to support DH, as long as it isn't at DD detriment. I think he is actually more concerned that if this relationship doesn't work out betwen DD and bio dad that she will be left hurt and rejected and he doesn't want to see that which I get but it's nor our choice it's hers and all we can do is be here to pick up tue pieces.

OP posts:

TryingToBeLogical · 11/08/2023 22:18

Obviously your DD should be encouraged to meet her bio dad with no guilt and with adults approaching it in an adult and supportive manner, but I do hope your DH has support, too. Perhaps he has his own unique family he can turn to, to help support particularly him? It's an awful feeling to invest years of work in a relationship and to help steer a young person through the hard parts of parenting to competent near adulthood, then have someone else show up and reap the benefit. No one likes feeling left behind, or that they simply served a work purpose for someone else who shows up after the work is all done then brags about the child that they did not raise (that's kinda a little bit what my dad did to my lovely stepdad, not this severe sort of case but he sure did take plenty of credit he didn't deserve TBH). I'm not saying this is the situation at all, but I do understand your DH's feelings. He's now on the outside of a triangle you and your DD are part of. In his place I might be tempted to be supportive as possible on the outside, but shut myself off emotionally going forward.

TryingToBeLogical · 11/08/2023 22:45

Also OP I would not too quick to emphasize to your DH that your DD bio dad was just a fling that you had little feeling for even at the time. Your DH may be wondering (irrationally or not) if he might be just as easily dismissed by you at some point or what your true feelings are towards him. Better maybe to just say he is no threat whatsoever and someone completely in the past

NewNameNigel · 11/08/2023 23:14

I feel for your dh. I can imagine he feels as if he's been discarded because someone shiny and new has come along. Her bio dad has done fuck all for her when she was hard work but gets to walk in and be a hero now she's old enough to be somewhat independent.

I agree with the poster who suggested some kind of counseling. It's really important that your dh can talk honestly with someone about this without fear of it impacting your daughter.

GiddyUpH · 11/08/2023 23:20

It's a novelty now but she will realise your DH was there for her and her bio dad not.

BasicDad · 11/08/2023 23:38

I'd be uncomfortable and very wary of someone that didn't support his child and suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

All you've said is he looks like he's struggling, and it sounds like otherwise he's trying to put a brave face on.

Sounds like he's doing OK to be honest.

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